SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am 5.5 months from D-Day and doing well all things considered. I want to share something with those of you who are in the early stages.

My H was determined to make amends. He owned his behaviour from the get-go, answered questions (many times over/still does). He was doing extra around the house in terms of chores and with the kids. He wanted to be a better man. He wanted me back.

About 4 weeks in he voiced to his dad that he was doing "everything possible" but it didn't seem to matter to me. Clearly he was still in a fog. His dad told him to pretend I was holding a bucket. He said, that every kind act, every attempt at making things right, every sorry by word or action was a drop in the bucket. He explained to him that my bucket was empty. It was going to take a lot to fill it.

He never voiced this again and set about to fill the bucket. He's doing very well.

Keep this in mind when your spouse is wondering what it will take. Pull out a bucket if you have to so they get the picture.

Tell them they need to fill it.

[This message edited by LA44 at 2:18 PM, May 18th (Saturday)]

Thank you for that analogy. Your FIL is a very wise man.

Thank you so much...that was perfect. I am glad things are going well for you. It really fantastic to see us. Who joined at about the same time and have similar D-dates move through this. I too have found some happiness and peace.

My H liked the analogy of holes in the fence.

Wow, I love this. My W has been acting exactly this way since DDay. She's trying very hard but I am afraid that she is going to burn out if I don't heal as quickly as she thinks I should. I am going to share this with her. I think it will help. Thank you.

Unexpected....I sometimes think my H is going to "burn out" too. We have talked about this. He is determined that this is now the way for us - rather then something temporary until its "all better".

I am following you too hopefulmother. Glad to hear you are finding some peace. Always hoping all us BS's are getting what weu need to move through this brutal time.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250&HL=25460

Thanks LA44; that's great. I think it is amazing that your FIL had that much insight! Hope he passes some of that lasting wisdom to his son!

Well, yes there is a reason for my FIL's insight. Sadly infidelity runs in the family (his father cheated too).

My FIL had many ONS as a young husband. My H was aware of the first one at age, 14. My MIL knew about them. Fast forward many years later...my FIL knew he would leave the marriage once the kids were gone. It was a matter of time. This is what he told us this past year.

He was out of love with my MIL when he met his now wife of 20 years. It is a shame that he didn't leave the first marriage before he met his current wife. He wasted my MIL's time that is for sure and she grieved over it for more than 15 years. I cannot tell you the pain that my H and his sister experienced from all this. The division.

But when my FIL learned of his son's affair (he caught them in a kiss in Oct 2011 - how perfect eh?) he went to the office the next day and layed it on the line for him. Asked him what he wanted (H said, me). Well then start acting that way! he said. He then listed off every single thing he stood to lose. My H said it was a moment he will never forget and "woke him up".

I see my FIL as a hero in that regard. I imagine what would have happened had he NOT seen that kiss. I find it amazing that someone who stumbled for so long (FIL) ended up being a life-saver for our M.

So, yes. While my FIL made mistakes, I love him for what he did and will always be grateful.

[This message edited by LA44 at 3:42 PM, May 19th (Sunday)]

I can't get to the link jjct has posted in this thread.

If anyone can - just let me know who was it written by and I can find it.

Thanks!

Things Every WS Needs To Know - as reposted by HUFI-PUFI

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250&HL=25460

In case there's any confusion, you have to cut and paste the URLs here.

I can't get to the link jjct has posted in this thread.

If anyone can - just let me know who was it written by and I can find it.

It is in the Wayward forum it is Hufi-Pufi's Things that every WS needs to know post

Thank you!

I think that is awesome for you. I"m glad you are getting your bucket filled!

I had been reading the 10 habits of highly effective families and he talks about filling the emotional piggy bank. Tonight the husband sent me a picture of a piggy bank overflowing with coins and told me that he was going to fill it up for me.

I"m looking forward to that.

I love posts like these in JFO

My husband is trying to fill my bucket, but I think it has a hole in it.

Wow!!!!

Thank you!!

He keep asking me what does he have to do to make this right (personally I don't think he can) however I need to see him try. At this point I know the relationship is over but something in me need to see him try. Right now we are sleeping in the same bed with a whole space for another body in the middle (I.don't want him touching me) I couldn't sleep last night and I just watched him and the More thoughts I had the more angry I became I didn't know whether to wake him up and talk about it or take a bottle and hit him in the head with it. There I said it its out, I wont hit him him I'm just saying its crossed my mind for sure.

A bottle, that's a good idea, I keep having the desire to just reach out and pinch the hell out of my husband while he's sleeping, or slap him; maybe I'll try a bottle instead.

(((broken)))