SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This time I'm writing with a new beef and question with it.

I am "hearing" these complaints from Perv about the gas money he is spending to visit DD. But he's also complaining that he doesn't have enough time with her.

The hairs on the back of my neck stand up when one of these comes across.

So I am writing a question that is, perhaps, two-fold: does it mean anything? i.e., could he be considering trying for custody? or is it just being a jacka..? This is a guy who says hardly anything all day so often when he says anything, it means something.

Maybe it's smoke, but I'm a little worried.

Any adive on 1) what it could mean? and 2) best ways to respond-or not? and 3) has anyone dealt with this before?

Thank you!

Probably means he's going to go for increased custody & visitation.

Just as NG said. He is trying for increasing his time with her so its at minimum 50/50 or full custody so he doesn't have to pay CS.

My SAWH started doing all kinds of things for the kids when he never did before. I have enough activities that I have done their whole life and not just because we are in divroce proceedings.

This is right out of the D playbook.

I was surprised at the beginning when he wasn't arguing about it.

I am really scared he will try to take her away. He's taking everything else.

Sorry, I'm in a bad place in my mind and it's breaking my heart. It's like I am being stripped of everything I worked for in my entire life.

We have a neighbor who did this (NL, of course!) and he sent the kid packing back home when he got in trouble.

He made a very bad time this weekend and is not cooperating with mediation. He is not finishing making the plans and just doing. And she hasn't called me as I asked for goodnight or this morning to check in.

Yet he has no residence that he will yet name, a p.o. box and no job.

I am scared. Why won't this man just go away and leave us alone?

These twisted mf-ers have such a skewed reality that WE are the villians. WE are the evil ones that must be punished & ruined & destroyed. My STBX bragged to people that he would destroy me financially as payback. He's accomplished this. He also said he'd make sure he got 50/50 custody to hurt me. He did not accomplish that. However, I somewhat expect him to abduct the kids or some other similar move once the divorce is finalized. I've learned there is nothing you can legally do pre-emptively to protect your children from someone who is psychologically damaged and out to ruin your life.

I would think his L is telling him how much CS will be, so he's thinking he wants more visitation for that reason.. My POS only asked for 5 overnights a month until we went to mediation, and he got 3 overnights a week and CS based on that.. I think the worst you are going to get is 50/50, and I know that's scary. I'm living it right now, AND I HATE IT!! But if you can start to accept that situation, then maybe some of your nerves will disappear.. That really is the worst that's going to happen..

As Nature Girl said, you can't really do anything preemptively. He has to actually hurt the children in some way to get less than 50/50. Or really, if he doesn't have a place of residence (with rooms for the children), no job, etc., I can't see a judge giving him any overnights..

For responding, I wouldn't do anything with threats. Just ignore. If he asks for specific days or times, I would be inclined to give him up to 50%.. My STBX tried to say I was keeping the kids from him, but there is not one message or email he has from me where I refuse him, and I think that burns his case up right there that I'm trying to keep them from him..

I'm just thinking if it does come to a custody battle, you want to look the the reasonable parent who encouraged the relationship between the children and the other parent. I don't think judges would like to see you refusing him up to 50% of the time..

I was lucky he wasn't asking for much visitation before (and I'm up shit creek now that he is), but maybe your ex will continue to not ask for them. You will just have to wait and see. I would respond to specific days and times, but not to the overall threat of taking them more often..

Good luck girl. Perv is a real asshole if you ask me. He can't even afford gas money to see them?? How's he going to actually afford having them live with him, food, clothes, toiletries, etc.? These dipshits never think..

Hugs to you. I hope baby to be and momma are feeling well

It's also possible he's whining, and that's all it is, shortly after having filled up the tank and disliking the money spent afterward.

I live with a relative who cannot see the Big Picture of anything. She reacts to the discomfort of the moment, like an 8-year-old. She will complain about having to cook for guests, talking about them freeloading and eating all of her food, when she was the one who invited them, and they are just coming over not to freeload but to appease the old lady relative who can be horrid when she wishes to be.

Quite a few WS'es seem to be 8-year-olds. They react at the moment - have affairs - then act like babies when caught and consequences mount. So it's par for the course for your WS, I would think. He may have just figured out that dividing family income into covering two residents, two sets of utility bills etc., is expensive and his life won't be the same.

His unicorns are starting to fart and his rainbows are turning gray.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 2:47 PM, May 19th (Sunday)]

Thank you, BG and Heavy Sigh. All good things to think about and different angles on the same thing that I wouldn't have come up with.

The crazy making was working yesterday and the night before, but I'm a little stronger now, thank you.

@Butterfly Girl, this is a hungry baby!!! I'm not super big yet but not enjoying getting around, either. I went to a concert today and there was a whole bunch of movement...I'm so sensitive I got teary when I felt it. Some people invited me to dinner, but they take so long my patience would have popped and I would be late for DD getting home.

Yes, what you said about his not having a place-that is known-is something that my L keeps in the front of his mind. And Perv is unemployed, has been over a year now. So maybe those points of view will be sour for a judge?

@Heavy Sigh, thank you too...he is one of the whiniest people I know when caught in a wrong-doing and I think that maybe a bunch of it. The bully rises bigger when he's wronged someone and it's the person he wronged who suffers, not him.

He tried to say that he never complained about gas money, "It was my lawyer, not me", and then he tried to say that he complained about something else-sharing DD time on "his" weekend, which wasn't even approved of!!

I can see why people make such messes of things, when emotional it's sooo hard not to spew. I keep an image of a windy road in mind when I get emotional so I can attempt not making a fool of myself.

I feel bad for DD, who tells me she doesn't trust him and sometimes is worried being with him. She also has fear of abandonment and worries he will leave her somewhere when he's mad. So it makes it all the more difficult to think of more time there.

Again, many thanks. I'm through the emotional storm again.

I really like Heavy Sigh's thoughts...I think the whole consequences thing is getting him down and if he could combine fantasy island with DD he thinks he could have less bills? Does it ever work?

@ Nature Girl,

Yes, I've even done research and can't learn why we become the villians, but that's how it makes me feel, yes. But we didnt' DO anything!

I suspect it's the consequence issue and he's out to ruin me because he got any, even though he made them happen. How can a person not see this? I and some counselors suspect PA/NPD(SA/Porn is there too and this could be both PA and NPD rearing their ugly heads.

Everything is my fault and not the fault of what he did.

& TTB, that's a real fear I have. There is supposedly a kid "over there" the same age as DD, so for all I know, they could be planning some horrible happy family crap. I don't pray often and am not religious, but I pray this doesn't work out long term for him.

He thinks it is very, very real. Thank you.

Keep your ears/eyes open, but don't panic. Ok, he's complaining about money and gas to get DD. Has he actually said he wants more time with her? I'm guessing no. It could be as simple as he thinks you should be picking up/dropping off.

If he doesn't have an address, then I wouldn't let him have overnights. If I don't know where my kid will be, they can't go. Period. Most divorce decrees state that the custodial parent must have an address for the other parent. Talk to your lawyer. He must pony up.

Glad you are in a better place today.

My guess it's whining that he GIFTS you too much every month.

A lot of times they don't follow through, so I wouldn't worry about a custody fight, but it's more a pre-emp to 'I'm a little short this month' possibility.

More time with kids doesn't equal less CS unless the time is drastically changed and even then, it's not a guarantee.

It's him fishing and/or hoping you'll say - gee, STBX, why don't you just not pay next month because I want to help you out.

That's a really good point about the address, thank you! He's never revealed truly living at OW's but claims or acts like it. He has a p.o. box so I have this image of a camper at the post office with a big colored umberella and him.

That's a really comforting idea about having an address or not, I will make a note of it. I thought he lived with OW but it may be more a case of shacking up.

Those are comforting thoughts. I notice a pattern when he "bullies up", where he will do one of several things-he will end up whining and looking for self pity if truly in a corner, or he will dismiss me very coldly, or swear and electronic yell. I tell you, all caps were flying for sure.

I am feeling better, thank you everyone. I got a call from L (extra on a Sunday, lol?) who was helpful. He told me this was sheer bullying on Perv's part and that the visitation was not set as Perv yelled at me that it was. It was his lawyer trying to push it on us because of the money or whatever else, but L said that what I did was okay.

Omg, I am so relieved to know that I wasn't flying off the handle.

But now, is Perv going to retalliate? Or rather, how? The NPD/PA stuff is veering its ugly head and what will he do/say if I got him in trouble with the actual law people?

But, how else do I stand up for myself and DD? I am fighting for self-respect besides other things and finally have a little, but have a little fear, to.

@ devestated mom, yes, he has mentioned (all electronically) that he wished for DD to live "there with him." And he complains about the lack of time he has with her, but you know what? He is getting far more than me, in reality. This just occurred to me today.

A relative who I trust and is my diffuser had a thought. She said, "What if he has Memorial Day weekend plans and is trying to ditch DD but wants to be the big man and pretend to do everything right, so took her for this one without permission for the whole thing so next weekend, when he dumps her for the holiday, he can feel that he did his part?"

This is another person who's known him for 20 years, so I didn't think that was a terrible thought and seems very possible. I can imagine OW getting impatient to have the D all done and rid of me so she can snag him.

Wow, you know what? Good luck to her. Took a long time to be able to say that!)

Thank you, everybody.

My lawyer & I forced STBX to provide us with his physical address. At first he lied & tried to insist that the address he gave us was where he was living. Wrong! It was a PO Box. After several more months he finally gave us his street address, many miles distant from that PO Box. He also was forced to tell us who he was living with. Oh joy, it's another sex addict.

My point? Keep pressing. He does not have the right to be secretive when it comes to your children.

That's terrible, Nature Girl.

STBX got a P.O. Box a few weeks ago. I told him I was suprised his mail wasn't already to OW's place and got no comment. I wonder if it's protection of her and still trying to hide?

For a little update, he is lately trying to justify and minimize the comment. I keep hearing "It wasn't me! I never said it!" I told him that I thought his L represented him? and let it go at that. The damage has been done, if you ask me, no matter who said it.

And I finally decided to just go through with the ever-other-week crap. Maybe it'll be some consequences, maybe not, but I realized DD could have weekend time around here and with family that's asked for her and friends...and we get a big space without him in it!

I politely reminded him that he's going back on more promises he made both of us and I will be all done trying to help clean up messes he makes.

It's kind of sad to hear him trying to make a scheister (his lawyer) look good. And he's trying to be "Model Citizen Perv" again and be treated like normal people...when I questioned some contradictions and called him on them, he said, "Oh, I just can't talk to you anymore straight, you don't listen!"

He didn't try to give the truth, no real surprise, or apologize for bullying or backing out on promises...but yes, I do know it's too much to expect.

On stronger days or times, it's almost fun to push his buttons and then watch the squirming. And you know...no matter what he or anyone who did his behavior does to try to change it, they can't...his L knows and mine and every single person we know.

Why does he think he can rebuild the glittery suit of his image? He wrecked it himself and I don't know why he thinks it will all sort of be blown over and out comes OW as me?

Ok, he's complaining about money and gas to get DD. Has he actually said he wants more time with her? I'm guessing no. It could be as simple as he thinks you should be picking up/dropping off.

That would be my guess. In most cases the cost of doing the exchange ("the gas money") won't change if the custody amount increases. Whether he keeps your child for one weekend or one whole week, either way SOMEONE has to do the drive between your places. I bet he wants it to be you.

I can buy that idea, Hope.

It's this "man's" way to put his problems on others and he's trying to get out of a bunch of other things, as well...promises with words that are really noise like tv snow.

We're at the point where I have to decide what to live without because it's not really working in mediation. He says he'll think about making changes but really will not.

What I won't bend on is the money and luckily it's law. Thank you for your note, it helped, because the comment messed with my head as it was meant to.

I've heard the L he picked is a bullier and he's already steamrolled over me, but I've spent two weeks pointing it out to Perv and won't be stuck or tripped up by the man.

Luckily (or not) I was a legal secretary for six years and get some narcissism stuff, so it's helpful.

How come "these people" don't think of their consequences when they fool around? I know, it's kind of rhetorical. I have no pity for this part for that man. And he's trying to say it wasn't him, it was the attorney. Bah!

You know, his L said in the meeting, "He will do the driving." I asked if we are going to get something like minutes and both L's said yes, but I do remember hearing that.

For the first time I disagreed with IC, she said, "will you drive half way or pay someone?" WTF? No.

Document, document, document EVERYTHING!! I wrote down every time my STBX cancelled his scheduled time with the kids because of work (just in case), and I'm certainly glad I did because now, nine months later, he's saying I am keeping him from the kids because we moved 20 minutes away from our marital home. I am also facing a possible court date so he can fight things, but I am feeling somewhat comforted by my foresight. It could also be nothing, and just another way for him to complain about things with that, 'poor me' attitude they like to possess. Sometimes the worst thing is not knowing what these suckers are going to do next, but it'll be okay because you have the strength to get through anything; I just know it!

(((Ashland13)))

[This message edited by stronggirl72 at 5:03 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]