Backstory: In an earlier post I spoke about X-NPD girlfriend lashing out at my DD16 for making a pit stop at their home with a friend and eating a few snacks. DD16 has been scapegoated by x-npd since she was 9.
Counselors called social services, neighbor called police called on him, and many, many incidents of emotional/physical abuse toward this child by him and DD18, and recently now GF, (this happened in the beginning right after the affair for several years.) GF is not OW.
My DD18 is the golden child. Seldom disciplined by him and acting out by stealing from me. Started with forged checks at age 14, and moved onto taking electronics without permission while I was on vacation, and other thefts of my things. I also had a post about the family videos she took. NPD would not give them back for a year until contempt charges were filed against him, and then he played the system for a good 6 months. My gut tells me to take a firm stand with DD18 and set firm and clear boundaries and a way for her to repair the broken trust. SHe is always welcome here, but currently has cut me out of her life.
My Dad treated me like NPD is treating his kids. However, 7 years ago my father apologized and we have been reunited, and my father is doing a great job with my kids. I never hated my dad. I was hurt and devastated, especially since my mom died when I was 13. I went NC and set firm boundaries. To NPD boundaries=hate.
Here is a transcript of a text exchange between my wonderful DD16 and him.
I am posting so I stay no contact with NPD-asswipe because I am fighting the urge to rip him a new one.
DD16: Don't be the guy who chooses his girlfriend over his kids we don't like her don't.... be that guy.
FT: not fair at all young lady. And by hanging up before I finish talking, not fair also. That keeps things very one sided, not even listen to the other person is very selfish behavior.
DD16: and constantly picking GF over me isn't selfish? Choosing what makes you happy all the time makes ME the selfish one?? I asked mom if she would care if sister brought her friends over to eat snacks and she said she would love it because she would get to see them all. I guess You don't feel that same way. And I'm positive GF isn't the one in tears. for once can you put your kids first?
FT: GF is in tears. And if you didn't know OR remember your mom was going to call the police because DD18 had her jacket.
DD16: It is blatantly obvious you prefer GF over us. The sad part is you don't even deny it.
FT: I love you both. Why would you want to put me in the position of one or the other? Is that fair?
DD16: Because I have been your daughter for 16 years. DD For 18. That's a long time. GF can waltz in and be here six months and suddenly it's only about you and her. I've only got one year left before college and if you keep acting like I'm not welcome in your home I just won't come over.
FT: But you won't visit or stay or try being here with us, but want to swing in and grab stuff and leave. Not even any notice or hello or thanks. And believe me, your mom would throw a fit if DD18 came in her house took something and left.
No matter what your mother is saying now, she called the police last time that happened. If you didn't know she called the police over the missing VCR, WII, and the curling iron.
DD16: I said hello, thank you, and goodbye. GF was rude. Ask my friend who was standing there. My friend was appalled. Why would I continue going to your house? I have to be crazy to subject myself to that kind of treatment. And you're still choosing to ignore the fact that DD18 and I are your kids.
We will always be your kids. We always have been. She will not , and never will be an "always" in any of our lives. Yet she still matters more to you than us.
FT: Honey, you are playing the guilt game and I ain't going to play. If you were here on a regular basis this would be a whole different ballgame.
DD16: No it wouldn't. I still wouldn't like GF and neither would DD18. So have a blast with GF because as long as she's around, I'm not.
FT: I am sorry you feel that way.
DD16: That is a copout. If you really were sorry, you would do something about it. But you won't.
FT: And what would you suggest? I send her away? I am alone, and you continue to not come here for whatever reason? Why wouldn't you want to celebrate and encourage my happiness?
DD16: Because she is not kind to me. Your kids should matter more to you than your girlfriend. But whatever. I don't need or want either of you in my life.
FT: That makes me sad, and hope one day that will change. The culture of bad feelings, That is perpetuated by your mother, has to be broken. I know your mother openly talks down about me.
DD16: No she doesn't. Nothing will change until you do.
FT: Your mom hated, I mean hated her father. Didn't speak or visit with him for more than 20 years, ask her if it was worth it.
DD16: Don't tell me you love me because you do not treat the people you love the way you've been treating me.
Can I go barf now? Me: BW- 53
DD-18 and DD-16
Together 20 years
Don’t get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.