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As a BS I want to caution other BS's to be careful what questions you ask. You probably already have many triggers that will haunt you for a long time, but be aware that the questions you ask will most likely provide even more. So if you know you are the type of person who will always be haunted by certain pieces of information then think twice before you ask.

As for me, I have a hard time with every "place" I know they have been. And I only know a handful for this very reason. When my husband said they met once in the same city where we courted, where he lived at the time and where we first looked at wedding rings it crushed me. While he never once even thought of these things until I reacted the way I did, it hurt me so deeply and now the mention of that city haunts me. I can't hear the name of the city or drive past it without triggering. That would be true even if he and I didn't have history there, but our history makes it all the more painful. There are events associated with that city that I can't have anything to do with now. It would have been better for me to not know about that specific place.

It can be very difficult to weigh what you think you want to know and what you would be better off not knowing. It's torturous wondering what and where and how and when and being in the dark about something he shared with someone else. Secrets they have together. Yet after my reaction to that piece of information, I only wanted general information in regard to "where" they went. He says they always met at areas away from where we live and never places he and I go to. So that was one way of being general, while still giving me information. My mind can wander and wonder what places those are and a big part of me wants to know . . . but I'll never make him tell me cause I know it would just torment me.

Also, be careful how you respond when your WS gives you an answer you asked for. If you fly off the handle, you may find it difficult to get any other information out of them.

[This message edited by Patchy at 6:28 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

Patchy - this is very good advice and something I'm struggling with personally too.

The day my H confessed about his affair I asked a lot of questions which are really quite general - things like: do I know her, did you ever come to our house, our bed, do you pictures of you both, did you use contraception. And, since that day I've asked a few more things.

I have found out where she lives but that was only because she tried to contact him by guessing where he lived and sent some theatre tickets (to Madame Butterfly - think Fatal Attraction here!) to two houses up from us - the house owner came here and the tickets she'd ordered had her home address on. Now I have real feelings of hate for that area of the city and would avoid going there at any cost so I can relate to your advice.

You might like to look at my first post which is in the Reconciliation forums (I believe that is where I should spend most time cause my H and I are determined to heal) which is entitled '1st post here - plagued by details and own images'. Some other members have given their thoughts about knowing details and it may be of some comfort xx

I completely agree, you can never unknow something. Sure there is much information that BS feel a need to know but this is subjective and I think the important thing is to evaluate if the pain of knowing will be greater then the pain of not knowing for YOU. Of course not digging for answers is hard, especially when you are hoping that the response will offer you a degree of comfort of reassurance. In my experience it rarely does though!

Also be careful that you keep some questions open.

I asked " Do you have any photos of OC,say in your wallet?" He said "no" I then discovered some photos at the back of the filing cabinet. is response " you asked me if I had any in m wallet, and I don't so I wasn't lying".

If you don't know the answers, they might answer exactly according to the exact request rather than in the spirit of the request.

We are in R, so can laugh about this exchange. Didn't feel like laughing then.

I tried just asking certain questions, and leaving out tons of detail. For me I discovered that my imagination was taking over and driving me insane. I had to know the truth. And I wanted details. Now that I have them all, I don't regret it because I know exactly what I'm healing from and exactly what happened.

I don't think I could ever really heal with all the ??'s out there still hanging. The details were excruciatingly painful to hear, but I think I can get past it now.

Since my WH#2 had a 3yr LTA with OW if I asked everything I would never go out of the house again. I already don't like my own house anymore because she was living in it when I was out of town. Everything I own already feels tainted. I have been very careful about the questions I have asked WH#2. OW filled me in plenty on DDay#1 and I decided he could keep the dirty details. I know enough to trigger me for a lifetime already and it makes . If it was a ONS then yeah, I would want to know it all and did from XWH#1, but this would be too much for me to live with. I would need a padded cell.

I am the type that holds onto things for a very long time. However I HAD to know the details, each and every one of them. I was able to process everything much better this way, and there were no monsters hiding in the closet to jump out and spook me later.

I have taken back everything that H had ever done with anyone else while we were together. They are mine, they no longer cause mind movies, and they haven't for a VERY long time. People shouldn't be scared to ask for details, they should just be aware that they can't unknow what they get an answer to.

I can also tell you that in my experience, having the details was a great thing because the details were SO much tamer than the wild mind movies I had going off of my imagination. It also helped me know what things were still mine and still special between H and I, and helped us make those other things special in different ways.

Just sayin.

the details were SO much tamer than the wild mind movies I had going off of my imagination. It also helped me know what things were still mine and still special between H and I

Agree! The ugly details have freed me more than imprisoned me no matter how hard they are to face. My initial reaction was that EVERYTHING about our 13 years together was now a lie. The mind movies were/are excruciating, but some of the movies made in my mind where even worse than the reality. I realize in some cases that the reality is really really brutal much more brutal than I have to face, so maybe its not the right path for everyone, but it was for me.

I needed to truth to make me realize not everything was a lie, and that some things in that 4 yr A were still sacred to only me and my WW. The OM wasn't always present in our marriage, no matter how slight that is its still a branch to grasp too. Especially when your desperate for anything to grasp too.

I wanted to know everything. As difficult as it is, I want to see him for who he is so I can make an informed decision.

The hard part for me were the new sexual "things" introduced while my WW had her affair.

Of course, I didn't know that was going on at the time, but she came clean later, that she did those things with the OM.

The thing that sucks for me is that those are things she said she was "shy" to do with me and I always respected that.

Sigh...

People are really shi**y sometimes.

I was one that wanted details but often got more than what I wanted to know. WS was in a LTA with a neighbor, friend and ate dinner in our home during the SA. Spouse and I had been married 35 years when A started. When Dday came, he said words that he and I both regret....but still did TT for 2 months. When all it was all out in the open, it was and is hurtful, but he could not help himself in sharing too much...the shame was killing him. He wanted to fess up. If I ask a question about the A, I now start with just a yes or no answer, no more and we went thru a period I wrote questions that he only had to answer with one or two words, so I controlled the impact on me.

Would I have done it differently.....Yeah, 5 years ago when I first suspected, but never thought he would lie to my face and never thing twice about it.

I didn't need details. The only fact I needed to know is that an affair happened. Details didn't mean anything to me.

I didn't need to know how often, if she gave him a bj, if they did it 2 or 3 times each time they saw each other, or even if it was multiple men(which it was).

The only detail I needed is that a physical affair happened(although an EA would have weighed the same to me).

Thats all I needed to know.