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Newest Member: EnoughNow (44278)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Disrespected
somanyyears
♂ Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


..CALL HIS BLUFF>>!!! get a lawyer.. it shouldn't cost you a dime for a first consultation about options and advice..

..let him know that you've gone to YOUR lawyer but do not give him any details..

..see what his reaction is to your first step..

Besides, it can't hurt to get some advice on the subject so you can be prepared if things really do go south!

..sounds like he is trying to stonewall you until you back down.

..show him you will not!

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4101 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
brokenblackbird
♀ Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there a possibility you could 'apologize' and continue surveillance? Maybe he would let his guard down and you could get the information you feel you need to make the hard choices you are facing.


Posts: 725 | Registered: Sep 2010
NoMorDeceit
♀ Member
Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Time to lawyer up. He thinks he holds all the power in your marriage.

You don't get to have girlfriends, nor do you get to stay out until 1:45 AM with other women and then drive one home...when you have a wife and children at home. That is behavior you simply do not have to tolerate. You also do not have to tolerate someone telling you then "we are over my dear"...FTG.

Time to take your power back. The looming spousal support and child support and losing half his stuff will help clarify things for him and perhaps help him fix his prickish ways.

He needs the hefty bag treatment.

Oh and I would absolutely notify ever other H of the women he is always texting/talking to in the middle of the night...that is BS and I'm sure they have no idea.

I'm so sorry.

(((somanyyyears)))

[This message edited by NoMorDeceit at 10:08 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]


FBS, been through the D marathon too.
Many D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)


Posts: 467 | Registered: Apr 2009
somanyyears
♂ Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


..thanks for the hugs there MND..

..but I think 256shute needs them more than me!!

..I know you meant them for her..anyway!

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4101 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
NoMorDeceit
♀ Member
Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OOPS!! That is what I get for posting without my glasses on!!...glad you didn't mind the hug Somanyy!!

(((256shute)))...I wish you strength, you deserve so much better.


FBS, been through the D marathon too.
Many D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)


Posts: 467 | Registered: Apr 2009
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, June 4th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I told you we have nothing to talk about unless you apologize. You can chase that goal all you want, the truth has been told and I will not discuss it again. Two choices it's pretty simple. Other than that we are at our end my dear".

I am sorry, this is cold and rotten.

You have a spouse completely unraveled because they suspect something is going on...you love your spouse, but are innocent. Is this how you would respond?

I dont think so, to see hurt and pain on a loved ones face is heart breaking, he doesn't care and is a lying POS.

Get an atty, ASAP and call his bluff.

(((hugs)))

[This message edited by karmahappens at 10:46 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3773 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
256shute
♀ New Member
Member # 39308
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As always, I appreciated the advice given here from everyone so much. I'm not sure if I'd have gotten through these past few months without this site.

I like the phony apology idea but I just can't get myself to do it. I am simply going to tell him that he can't rush me and if he doesn't like it then he can leave. I agree that a resolution either way would be nice but I am not ready for that and especially want to see if any more information comes to light.

I am fortunate to have a couple of good friends who are attorneys. They don't specialize in divorce law but have referred me to someone who does that will give me some good advice.

He truly believes that he is smarter than me (and everyone else) and would love me to rush into things and make agreements that will make his life easier.

And you are all right. He is and has been treating me like shit for a long time and is very mean and hateful. I never in my wildest dreams imagined that I would EVER put up with this crap from anyone. Sometimes I feel like I am making things worse in my own mind but as I think about things more and more the reality is hitting me. I am absolutely devastated.


Posts: 22 | Registered: May 2013 | From: USA
brokenblackbird
♀ Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It looks to me as if he is going to make your life a living hell until you make some kind of decision. Not making a decision will continue things as they are.

But we all know what is really happening, right? HE is making the decision by making your life hell, he gets YOU to decide to divorce him.

You can wait him out - but at what cost to you emotionally? He isn't going to be honest. He isn't going to be remorseful.

I am really sorry you are in this place - and I totally understand not wanting to compromise yourself by 'apologizing'. You just seemed to need more proof and from the way its been going, you aren't going to get it this way.

Good luck!


Posts: 725 | Registered: Sep 2010
256shute
♀ New Member
Member # 39308
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks brokenblackbird. It would be nice to get more information but the whole situation is really making me physically sick and you're right i'm not getting anywhere.

I think i am going to confront him with some ( not all) of the cell phone detail that proves he lied and see if he will fill in the blanks without me having to visit the possible women involved and raise hell. The cell phone isnt a bad source to reveal because he must have a pretty good idea that i may have some information from the phone records because he rarely uses the phone now.

Then it may very well be hefty bag time. I'm anxious and scared but i know in the end i will do whats best for me and the kids. I've just about had enough and i believe that whatever story comes out will not be something that i would be able to forgive. This really sucks.

Big thanks for all of the support from everyone.


Posts: 22 | Registered: May 2013 | From: USA
Broken1Again
♀ Member
Member # 32211
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, June 5th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

256shute,

I could have written some of your story (mind you I've been through more cheating then I care to remember).

Hubby coached my son's team and the next year son was no longer on the team but hubby kept coaching. Found that extremely odd. But figured he liked coaching...NOPE Turns out he liked one of the mom's on the team more then he liked coaching. I never realized until my sons started playing rep sports how much this stuff goes on, that women will throw themselves at the coach because of what they think they can get or what they think the coach will/can do for their child. It's sick actually. (Mind you I think my hubby pursued her, but it happens alot.) Many women would text/call my hubby when he was coaching. COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE.

Anyways, my point to you having been in this situation before, I can tell you from exact experience, that the woman he was calling and texting at 1am was probably the woman he was with. He could very well be interested in these other women too because they are showing interest in him.

I would NOT confront yet, again I'm speaking from experience. He will deny deny deny and leave you feeling like you are wrong and your resolve will weaken (kind of like what he's doing now by demanding YOU decide about the divorce. WHY CAN'T HE DECIDE???) That is exactly what I would say when he asks that question. Mess him up. Say "I'm fine with the way things are, if you want a divorce then you need to do it, but I'm ok thanks." (You can always get a divorce if you want, you just need to say this to him to start messing with his mind). Then go into investigative mode. HE WILL MESS UP with the VAR. You just have to get it into his car. When he is asleep, or before he gets in the shower in the morning, grab his keys and go place the VAR. You need more proof then that otherwise he will make you question what you know to be true.

[This message edited by Broken1Again at 10:17 PM, June 5th (Wednesday)]


BS: 40
WS: 42
Two boys 13/11
Married 15 years
Dday: too Many to remember. 3 significant OW and many "less"'significant OW. Believe WS has bad boundaries and craves the attention.
In R.

Posts: 859 | Registered: May 2011
256shute
♀ New Member
Member # 39308
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, June 6th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Broken1Again - Wow such a similar story. Sorry you had to deal with this crap too. I was absolutely bullshit the whole year from the time he decided to coach at the end of the previous season through the last game of this season. And he knew it. We had many arguments about it but his mind was made up. I was so upset that he took that kind of time and energy away from our family. I have to say that he truly spends all his time with the kids and always put them first so I was shocked with his decision. His big excuse was that when my daughter, who had originally played for his team and was at that point signed up for another team for the next season, had free time she could still play with his team giving her more playing time. Of course with the demands of hockey those times were few and far between. His other excuse was that he had just gotten the team to where he wanted them to be and really wanted to see it through one more year. Ya right.

He had a man-crush on one of the assistant coaches so I thought that was one of the reasons he wanted to coach along with the obvious attention and "adoration" of the mothers - all of whom are married BTW. It never even crossed my mind that anything like I suspect now could have happened.

The woman who he was talking to and probably with on the night in question is last person that I would think he had something going with. I don't mean that because of looks or anything like that just because of who she is. Everything about that night pisses me off. It was his last game coaching and he was SO emotional. He missed our daughter's playoff game to be there and then went out to dinner with the team which is where the bullshit story began. Unbelievable.

I was up all night last night struggling with my decision to confront him and I am not going to do it. I know I need more information to feel comfortable with my next move. Thank you and everyone else who has been trying to get that through my head. It's just my temper and lack of patience getting the best of me.


Posts: 22 | Registered: May 2013 | From: USA
completeshock
♀ Member
Member # 19334
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, June 8th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I told you we have nothing to talk about unless you apologize. You can chase that goal all you want, the truth has been told and I will not discuss it again. Two choices it's pretty simple. Other than that we are at our end my dear".

I'm so sorry, reading this just made my stomach turn. My xWSO used to say things like that too. Nasty stuff, but then he'd say "dear" or "sweetcheeks" to make it sound cutesy.

You need to get away from this. He is toxic. You do not want your children exposed to this kind of behavior. Start getting your ducks in a row and make that call to a lawyer. I think this type of cold behavior indicates something really bad inside of him that goes so much deeper than "just an affair". You need to get out of this situation.


Sometimes you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 1735 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: East Coast
Jospehine85
♀ Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I told you we have nothing to talk about unless you apologize. You can chase that goal all you want, the truth has been told and I will not discuss it again. Two choices it's pretty simple. Other than that we are at our end my dear"

Disgusting. Not the way you speak to someone you love.

So here's what you do. Nothing. Make no decision. That's what he is pushing for. Don't give it to him.

If he is NPD, that will push him in to a rage. Just watch. The longer you go doing nothing, the pissier he will get because he is NOT in control of you.

Also NC with him. Politely answer any necessary questions regarding children but otherwise don't engage him.

Meanwhile, without his knowledge go see a lawyer. Find out your rights and what you can expect for alimony and child support. Consider getting separation documents drawn up.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 811 | Registered: Jun 2012
256shute
♀ New Member
Member # 39308
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are all so right. I am having a hard time thinking clearly. Yesterday he texted me about making some decisions and I told him I'd get back to him which really pissed him off He then got nasty and called me a selfish f___ing pig for putting the kids through this.

I do believe there is something wrong with him other than being a lying POS. He has a bad temper and it has always scared me. The only time that I have cried throughout this whole situation was one night very early on when he became completely enraged and screamed in my face. It really shook me up.

I am meeting with an attorney tomorrow to help me understand my options. Thans to everyone for the continued support.


Posts: 22 | Registered: May 2013 | From: USA
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He sounds real controlling. It seems like his "shit or get off the pot" ultimatums are just ways for him to control the situation... then when you respond with "I'll get back to you" he gets mad and hits you below the belt, where he knows you will be affected... the kids. I think you are doing great. Don't let him bully you!

Now when it comes to the children, I know a lot of people stay in some pretty miserable marriages for the sake of the children. At least you recognize that the kids are not happy under the conditions. I know way too many people who have said that they were relieved when their parents got a divorce because the fighting stopped. Good luck. Hopefully your situation won't end in divorce... hopefully he will come around.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 3:53 PM, June 9th (Sunday)]


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1174 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
Jospehine85
♀ Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck tomorrow 256. I am glad you are seeing an attorney. The idea of separating or D is a lot less scary when you know exactly what your rights are.

Your WH sounds so much like mine. I totally get how you feel.

Just know that a normal man would not text his wife a message calling her a selfish f&8king pig. A normal man would not get in your face screaming. A normal man would not be throwing around ultimatums.

Your WH is not normal. Not even close. Don't let him suck you into defending yourself against his emotional tirades. Just don't even engage. Walk away.

In fact, if you really want to irritate him when he is raging, tell him "you have decompensated. I will speak to you when you can pull yourself together".


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 811 | Registered: Jun 2012
Topic Posts: 36
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