I agree with your MC in that what you were doing was having an impact on your behavior at home. I don't agree that it left your wife vulnerable to an affair. It was her job to handle her unhappiness in the marriage in a constructive way.
If she had said these same things to an AP that wasn't your xbff would it bother you to this degree?
If that makes sense.
I imagine that leaves you wondering if she can turn them on and off so easily, meaning her feelings, what is to stop her from doing that again?
Have you asked her to stop saying it since it is triggering you so much?
[This message edited by tired girl at 6:43 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)]
I like what tired girl has said.
When I found about the A, and told a close friend at work, he asked me if I thought that one was only capable of loving just one person.
Also, are you afraid of being happy? I wonder sometimes for me that I am afraid, and that it is easier to just look at my WWs issues and be angry at her.
I remember seeing your posts in ICR over the winter now that I think about it. Is your WW acting with love to support her words? Maybe look at her actions and loving choices.
I've often thought it would help to have him write out a retraction of those feelings, to put down in black and white that even though he meant it in the moment that he has rejoined the real world and is no longer thinking with his brokenness and hormones. I would love for him to tell her that it was an infatuation and forever has already ended and that he does NOT love her and probably never really did, and furthermore that she was in love with a fantasy and never even knew the real him. That's what I want him to tell her but NC is NC so we're instead working on erasing her from our life.
Is it that she said the words or is it that he believes she still loves him? And does she still love him? If she does, then you have bigger problems than the words she said.
I decided my children's happiness and well-being was of far greater importance than my own. I"m an adult and can deal, they are kids and cannot. I remind myself of this whenever hurtful memories or suspicions pop up.
If my children's happiness and well-being meant I should leave a rich man who was an emotional or physical abuser, losing social status, working at a crap job and living in a boarding house, then I'd certainly live in a boarding house and protect them by removing them from the damage that living with an emotionally or abusive parent would leave on them.
On the other hand, that isn't my situation at all. My kids are happier with a dad in the home who loves and cares for them and in an intact family, financially stable life that provided them college and carefree except what peers dished out to them per usual teen crap. Someone is going to get damaged from this situation and it isn't usually the cheater who can compartmentalize and be in denial that he/she caused any damage at all, and can even act like a martyr for staying with the old spouse who isn't hot stuff. That means the great sacrifice will either be the kids making it or me, so it's going to be me. I'll take the hit.
I believe when you bring kids i the world you protect them and care for them at nearly all costs. Protecting them can mean leaving or it can mean staying. It all depends.
So how do I get through those demeaning hurtful things I read or remember? I remind myself that "(Kids names) happiness is greater than my own, soldier through it."
Your situation is tougher because you seem to be going through the "whose affair was worse" and on that one, it's a lose-all game.
[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 9:27 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]
I had way too many of those issues and did what I suggested. It didn't work right away and those words still come back to me sometimes but I tell myself that I cannot change the past so I will focus on our present and future.
Remember those words were said in a "perfect" relationship. Nothing about affairs is real. Of course she wished she met him sooner, she only saw the great parts of him. So, don't take it as you are not good enough.
How could she, why would she......you may never know. She may never know.She wasn't thinking of you when she said that to him. Sorry but that is the truth. The whole concept of the affair is very, very selfish. In their minds the only two people who matter are them so they will say just about anything to each other.
Work on the present. You can do it.
Time really does heal.
EA D-Day May 2008
PA D-Day May 7,2010 (same A)
Did your W pine for him at all after Dday?
Also, is it possible to move away from where you live now, so you don't have to see him anymore, especially given the attitude you just said that he has.
In the end, only you can decide if the words that were spoken are a deal breaker for you.
For me, I had to look at the actions that Hlessons was taking this past year and weigh them against what he had done. I sat back and didn't put myself back in the M, I just watched. I needed to know that he was making himself into a person I could trust. Maybe that is what you need to do at this point. You need to know that at some point she will be a person that you can trust to not give her love away to another man. That will take as long as it does.