I don't really know how I feel toward H right now. I don't hate him, that I know. But I definitely don't feel the same kind of love I used to. I feel kind of detached, I guess.
I mentioned this in IC and she thinks it's a coping or defense mechanism. If I'm not vulnerable, he can't hurt me again. Which makes sense. But then my question is, how do I get back to that? I don't WANT to be detached and void of feeling toward him!
We mostly avoid talking about it, but I am at a point where there are some things i need to tell him about what this did to our marriage. There are also a couple of relationships that he had with other women that he has continually insisted were not sexual, but I am still unsure. Of the two infidelities I do know of, one he said was just kissing, the other he was trying to come on to a co-worker, told her repeated times he was attracted to her and wanted to have sex with her. She denied his advances and sued him for harassment.
Where we are is not healthy. We need to renew our love for each other or just separate. Of course, having a 10 and 12 year old doesn't make it easy for me to just leave, and we have a very complicated work and home life. I do love him, but this whole thing has put quite the strain on us.
The idea of the love bank is really resonating with me. I don't think he's making enough deposits, or the right kind of deposits, or something. I don't know. Maybe I'm just being too impatient and thinking we should be farther along than we are. Sometimes I feel like I'm staying because it's easier than leaving.
[This message edited by Uneek at 3:19 PM, May 20th (Monday)]