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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: cheating - coke and alcohol abuser
sri624
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, May 20th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my husband just completed rehab for drugs and alcohol. as part of his aftercare he attends the weekly AA meetings. yes, i know...all bad. my dday consisted of not only learning about him cheating but that he was an addict as well. can you imagine?

anyway....i see his cheating and his coke, xanax, and alcohol abuse as a separate issue.

but i do have my ic saying things like...."you can never expect your husband to be the husband you deserve if he gets high on coke and alcohol everyday."

i get that...but i am sure there are many addicts who dont cheat.

i feel like i am chasing my tail about this all the time. but in the end..none of it matters....nothing makes me feel any better about the cheating. he did that, you know?


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bi

Posts: 916 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, May 20th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((sri)))

I'm sorry. It must be difficult to process so many different types of betrayals all at once. Do you go to Al-anon meetings? Sending you strength.


Posts: 33800 | Registered: Mar 2011
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, May 20th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You might want to check out the I Can Relate forum- For Those That Love An Alcoholic.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3151 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Loyalty2Liberty
♀ Member
Member # 36714
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, May 20th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, there are many addicts who don't cheat, and many cheaters who don't abuse substances. Yes, the cheating and any other forms of abuse he may have committed are a completely separate issue from his substance addictions.

However, due to the truly horrible context of your situation it can be easy for you to not quite process the fact that a perfectly loyal addict still makes a very, very poor spouse in other ways that are too important to ignore.

You deserve better than a non-wayward addict. You deserve better than a substance-free wayward. Taken to the logical conclusion, you deserve better than a lying cheating coke head.

There's just no two ways arround it. Your spouse betrayed you in some exceptionally nasty ways, and now to make matters worse you're stuck with abysmaly less than you deserve in life as a direct result. If you ever discover a way to feel any better about that, please inform the rest of us at once!


me:BW
him:stbxWh


Posts: 236 | Registered: Sep 2012
TXwifemom
♀ Member
Member # 37945
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, May 20th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here is a thought.....

Child protective services willTAKE your child if there is a drug user in the house, evenif you are clean.

This problem goes beyond just marrying a narcissistic asshole. It is about losing your kid.


Posts: 231 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: texas
sri624
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 1:53 AM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks for the replies...i needed to vent and know that i can come here and feel safe.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bi

Posts: 916 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 5:46 AM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my husband just completed rehab for drugs and alcohol.

Time for 90 meetings in 90 days


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
idiot85
♂ Member
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 6:14 AM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sri624- I view them as separate issues that can (not alway) exacerbate a problem.

My wife loved/loves coke, ecstasy, alcohol, acid, pethidine, speed oh you name it the list could go on! I see cheating and drugs as 2 forms of chasing a high- I'm no expert, I don't do drugs and I don't cheat.

Cheating and drugs are both choices and bad choices at that. Both put families in jeopardy- you're not alone though.


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
Bobbi_sue
♀ Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sri624,

Did it come as a surprise to you that he was an addict in the same a way a D-day happens because of a sudden revelation he is unfaithful?

Did he completely hide all of his substance abuse from you, or did you see it but not think it was "addiction" or abnormal until it was somehow pointed out to you?

I would divorce an non-sober alcoholic even faster than I would a cheater, but that is just me. I won't even address the coke use (unless you mean Coca-cola and I'm assuming not). I would not be any where near somebody who uses that stuff, even occasionally, let alone live with them, but that is just me.

These may be separate issues from cheating, but for me, cheating is not the only deal breaker in marriage. Many other things would be dealbreakers for me including substance abuse, physical/verbal abuse, criminal behavior, joblessness that was due to not putting enough effort into getting a job, and more.


Posts: 5682 | Registered: Apr 2006
RockyMtn
♀ Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out the extent of my husband's addiction on d-day as well, sri. Some of it positively blindsided me and I had no clue, for example, that he had taken prescription drugs.

anyway....i see his cheating and his coke, xanax, and alcohol abuse as a separate issue.

What do you mean by this? I agree, in the sense that my WH doesn't get any sort of pass on cheating because he was under the influence or anything. However, I suggest you be open to seeing the ways in which addiction and cheating are very intertwined...and your WH may very well have gotten involved with other women for many of the same reasons as he did booze/drugs. If you eventually want to know his "whys" or his history - I just don't see how you can totally separate these two.

I am sure there are SOME addicts who don't cheat physically/emotionally. But all addicts are cheaters in other ways - they cheat their families of stability, money, safety, and availability. Its really not a huge leap to cheat in the affair-sense. Again, this is where I see the relation. The utter selfishness is present in both situations. The . compartmentalization. The justification. The denial. These kind of coping mechanisms often originate in some of the same places

But, I agree, you have to approach these as two separate issues at times as well. They don't have to be one big muddled story and there is value in examining each on its own.

Good luck, sri. I know how tough this is.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
Topic Posts: 10

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