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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Perspective from 2 1/2 years out (long)
tryin2havefaith
♀ Member
Member # 37165
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, May 20th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here is where I am at 2 1/2 years out:

* I haven't totally forgiven him. Not sure if that will ever happen. Having gotten an STD from his A makes this more difficult for me. A constant lifelong reminder. As of right now, I am on semi-annual visits to gyno for checks.

* I have let go of anger/hatred towards OW. Well mostly anyway. Yes, 'it' was predatory. Yes, 'it' waited a half-dozen years until I was sick. But have decided not to let 'it' take up space in my head anymore. Maybe I am finally moving towards indifference. Plus the knowledge that the karma bus has run 'it' over, backed up, and run over 'it' again has probably helped a bit too.

* I am focusing more on me. My healing, my needs, are foremost for me. The old funny-line "You can't fix stupid" kinda reminds me at times---I can't fix him. HE needs to do that for himself. HE has to own/want that one. HE has to face himself in the mirror daily and face the demons and destruction of his own making.
He is there for me and me for him. However, he needs to go down this path for his own healing. All I can do is provide a safe environment for him, and him provide the same for me. A fine balancing act that I have become accustomed to.

*Triggers, triggers, triggers. They are still there. However they do not paralyze me as they once did. I don't break down into a snotty mess anymore. They have become a dull ache now. Maybe it is the ADs or maybe I have just gotten used to them as a constant companion in this. Not really sure. Sometimes I still grieve a little for the life I 'thought' I had. But then I snap back and realize that will do nothing to help me move forward.

*ILYs. These are still difficult at times. He says them to me often now, like when we were first wed. I can't let the thinking of "Well if you love me why or how could you have done this to me" get a foothold. It took a lot of soul-searching to figure out if I still loved this man. Then I realized.....I'm still here. I am fighting for this. I never stopped loving him. He isn't perfect, but then again neither am I. But he IS here trying everything he can give right now to this reconciliation. To repair the damage he caused.

*Mind movies...ughhh. Mind movies still happen. But just as with triggers, they have become a dull ache in my heart. He is definitely more tuned in to when they are happening to me. If we need to stop, we stop. He gets that I do not want to have them. He is quick to comfort me when I am having one. I try to remember-- HE is with ME, it is just US, 'it' is irrelevant to our life moving forward.

* Vulnerability. This is a hard one. At one time, he was the one I was most vulnerable with. I mean, he is my husband. The one person in the world whom my guard was totally down for. The one who swore before God to love, honor, protect, and forsake all others for. But also the one I swore the same as well and also in sickness and in health. Now I know his FOO issue and the mental break that was 30+ years in the making. How to get this self=protective wall to come down that was built after DDay. Now that my illness has recurred. This time requiring a surgery and making me even more vulnerable than ever before. It took me agonizing weeks to finally give the doc the okay for this procedure. But then I realized---it is not my illness that opened the door to his A. It was his issues, be it what they are. He had been hit on before by women, but it was never given a second thought. He is working in ICC to dig and find out why he collapsed and gave in when he never had a thought of doing so ever before. I have to let control over this go. If he were to cheat again , he knows very well there will not be another chance. I am not a guard, or God help me, his mother . Worrying or waiting for another A, that does me no good. He knows the consequences, so I have to let go of being an ever vigilant watchdog. Once again, be vulnerable, be willing, be open to him. Put the wall where it truly belongs, around us....not just around me.


So, there it is. This is where I am almost 2 1/2 years into this roller-coaster ride. What most veteran SIers say is true about TIME. It does help. So does having a remorseful and willing WS. One that owns their $hitstorm and is not afraid to get their hands dirty to work at cleaning up the damage in the aftermath. Without that, I don't believe I would be at the point I am today.

[This message edited by tryin2havefaith at 4:43 PM, May 20th (Monday)]


ME- BS
HIM- WS
DDay 1/2011
4 - 6 months of TT'ing
Fully R'd
"Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects. " -Dalai Lama

Posts: 265 | Registered: Oct 2012
redrock
♀ Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, May 20th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Put the wall where it truly belongs, around us....not just around me.

Like this^^^

No real advice. You seem to be well on your journey and have a great handle on where you are and where you want to go.

I wish you the growing peace that comes with the work+time of R.

[This message edited by redrock at 6:42 PM, May 20th (Monday)]


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3156 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
tryin2havefaith
♀ Member
Member # 37165
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Redrock.

Sometimes I just need to pull off the road at a rest stop, take a look at the map and look at how far I have driven down this journey. I think it helps keep me centered a bit and focused on my own healing so I can stay strong for this reconciliation.

Who knows....maybe it is offering some solace and strength for other BS's as well.

(((SIers)))


ME- BS
HIM- WS
DDay 1/2011
4 - 6 months of TT'ing
Fully R'd
"Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects. " -Dalai Lama

Posts: 265 | Registered: Oct 2012
sodamnlost
♀ Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad to hear things are getting better for you. Sorry you are facing more health issues :-(

It took me agonizing weeks to finally give the doc the okay for this procedure. But then I realized---it is not my illness that opened the door to his A. It was his issues, be it what they are. He is working in ICC to dig and find out why he collapsed and gave in when he never had a thought of doing so ever before.

THIS. UGH. My WH started his affair less than 3 months after my spinal fusion, less than 6 months after my brain surgery and within weeks of us moving to a new city after losing our home. I am facing another major surgery very soon. TRIGGER CITY. Nowhere near as bad as the last two but still major enough. It just sucks so bad. I was alone emotionally for the last two, he had already emotionally checked out. I am alone in this one. Trusting him with these fears went so well last time. NOT. I *CRIED* because I was so worried he felt like he made a mistake with me being so sick and he would replace me. yeah. I was sorta right.


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 766 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
tryin2havefaith
♀ Member
Member # 37165
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump for bellecatprincess


ME- BS
HIM- WS
DDay 1/2011
4 - 6 months of TT'ing
Fully R'd
"Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects. " -Dalai Lama

Posts: 265 | Registered: Oct 2012
mamak
♀ Member
Member # 35969
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Put the wall where it truly belongs, around us....not just around me.

I need to start working on this. Right now I have a solid 10 foot deep brick wall around myself with a little itty bitty door in there for him to get in.... but sometimes I feel like sealing it up...


Me - 37, Him - 34
Married - 12 years
Three kiddos (oldest is mine) - 9, 11,13
DDay #1 - 4/21/2012, Discovered 3 mo. EA (texts, phone calls, nude pics, sexting, 1 kiss)
R - 4/24/12. R going well

Posts: 287 | Registered: Jun 2012
tryin2havefaith
♀ Member
Member # 37165
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mamak- I know that feeling too well. I was behind my wall for a long time as I passed thru the plain of lethal flatness. But I realized there was no true rebuilding that was going to happen if I kept him out.

Nothing I do will keep him from cheating again IF that is what he wants to do. I have put the consequences out there clearly for him. There is NO way I will R if he were to do this again. He knows and understands this. It is then that I began taking down my wall and we began building ours. To me, this is the only way we can R. By being COMPLETELY open to each other. It's a huge and truthfully scary step to take, but necessary to truly rebuild stronger. (At least to me anyway)


ME- BS
HIM- WS
DDay 1/2011
4 - 6 months of TT'ing
Fully R'd
"Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects. " -Dalai Lama

Posts: 265 | Registered: Oct 2012
Topic Posts: 7

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