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Hello everybody. This is my first post and this would be long. I badly need help and I came to this. I need opinions.

My GF and I have been dating for almost 7 years. She's my first GF. I'm her first BF. I already offered marriage to her in Feb 2012 and she accepted. But then something happened with my income, so I put it on hold.

Then, on March 15 2013, she removed the ring and told me she wanted a breakup after a fight.

I've been working hard because I already wanted to settle down. I felt pressured because we were planning to migrate to the US. And I must admit I did not give her enough attention from February 2013. But throughout all those times, we were seeing each other almost every other day so I can't understand why she said I did not have enough time for her.

She said she wanted a breakup but she wanted to still continue our visa application to the US. So that was what I did from March 15 until April 7. We were still then in constant communication even after the "breakup" that she wanted. We texted everyday from March 18 but I already gave her all the things she gave me.

I still continued to woo her all those times although she told me not to expect anything anymore.

Her reason for the breakup: She wanted to be independent from me. She said she had already depended too much on me and she needed space. And we always had fights in February and March 2013.

Then, something happened on April 3. I accidentally saw her Facebook chat with another guy that we met in Dec 2012. And damn! They were very long! Since Feb 2013, she's been chatting with him DAY AND NIGHT! I think the only reason why they stopped chatting was because he was sleeping or working, or she was sleeping, or because I was around.

Around the time that she was breaking up with me (March 15), the guy was suggesting to her that they have a long distance relationship. Although she jokingly refused it, it was obvious that she was entertained by what he was doing. I discovered that this has been going on since January/February 2013. Maybe that was the reason why she was so uneasy every time I got hold of her phone. She wanted to hide everything from me.

I asked her on April 3 who the guy was. She explained that he's just a "friend". And that he's not the reason why she was breaking up with me. But I felt that she was lying.

And so I continued to woo her. But I always doubted.

On April 7, I went to their house to talk with her about our application. When she went to the bathroom, I installed a spy software on her laptop. And then I left. She did not know what I did. I wanted to confirm things.

While they were chatting, she did not know that I was seeing everything. I could still recite them all in my head now. I've never been so hurt all my life by what I read. I do not want to go into details anymore but this is what I can say: She was head over heels for him already at that time.

In that conversation, the guy said something like: "Please don't tell me that you won't talk to me anymore. And then you would just talk to me again just hours after". She replied with: "I can't resist it." At the end of the day's chat, the guy asked for a good night kiss. She was already about to tease him to "Come here. I don't want to kiss just here on chat!" But then she backspaced it. And then she typed again: "You have your good night kiss if you come here!" And then she backspaced again and told him "#noflirting hahaha". Although she backspaced it, I already knew the level of "high feeling" she was experiencing with him with that kind of message. She also hinted at him about the US application - that they might have a chance to see each other there (anyway, the 2 of us would just be friends by that time).

After reading that, I immediately went back to their house. And asked her how and why she became like that, why she lied to me, and who the guy really was. I let her choose and threatened her that I would leave her if she chooses him. She chose me. She promised she won't talk to him again. So I took her Facebook and Instagram accounts from her and blocked the other guy.

But after I left, she used her mom's FB to send a "goodbye" message to the other guy. And then she gave her email address there - another chance to contact each other. And so I blocked him from her mom's FB account. And she was searching for him all night and she couldn't find him. It was like a magic spell was cast on her by that other guy.

She made another fake Facebook account with a fake name at that time - which I again blocked.

And then we saw each other again the following day. And we had another fight. I was mad at her because she still sent a "goodbye" message and then gave out a new email address! And then made another facebook account! And so I threatened her again - not only would I leave her, I would also have my revenge (that other people would know this story) if she does not stop it. She told me that she would make up.

The "magic spell" lost its effect on April 9 I think. Since then, she wanted to make up.

I know now more than a month after that she's changed. But I can't forget what I saw and read. Whenever I remember it in the middle of the night, I still feel chills all over my body. And then I won't be able to sleep anymore throughout the night.

Here's what I feel:

1. Disappointed: How could she flirt hard with someone else while I was working hard for our settling down? To the point of really trying to break up with me? Although she says she wasn't trying to breakup with me because of him, I find it hard to believe now because she was searching for his name everyday from February. It was obvious that she was entertained by the sweet messages he was sending her. We already talked about that kind of behavior in 2010 and I thought that won't ever happen again. This is not the 1st time that she had texts/chats with a particular guy day and night. But this is surely worse. I just thought she stopped it already when we talked about marriage.

2. Betrayed: How could she even think of using me and my resources to get closer to that guy? If she really wanted to breakup, she should have told me to stop what I usually did for her.

3. Confused: How could she say I did not give her enough time - that all I ever cared about was my business? We were seeing each other almost every other day but I admit I did not have time for texts/chats. It seems like she would choose texting/chatting over personal visits. On Valentine's Day, I asked her out but she strongly refused and said it was corny. And then I saw her browser history after confronting her - she was just chatting with him all throughout that day (Valentine's)! WTF?!

This is our situation now:

She's got over with it already. She wants to forget about the whole incident already. And she is truly sorry. She's making up. She's saying now she really did not want to break up with me at that time because she can't stand to see me meet somebody else eventually.

I've not yet forgotten the whole incident. I still remember their conversation - word for word... still causes tremors. Although I told her I already forgave her, I can't forget it. I've been bringing it up again and again since April 7. And she did cry hard so many times.

My questions to you people are:

1. Am I just overreacting? (It was just chat! And that's what I'm wondering about... how did she become almost head-over-heels for him even if it's just chat?!)

2. Is this already cheating? - chatting with another guy day and night and then hiding and deleting his messages. (Well, it was not like they had sex but it still hurts me so much.)

3. How do I forget what happened and get over with it? I really want this to work out. She said she wanted to start anew. She feels uncomfortable whenever she notices that I remember it.

4. How long should it take for me to get over it? I know cliche answers like "it depends on you". But please give me a specific time frame. :)

Any opinion would be great! Thanks!

[This message edited by YvesB at 6:08 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

Hmm, I'm a little conflicted here, but I'll do my best.

1. No, I don't think you are overreacting. From the timeframe of Jan 2013 to March 2013, she was having an emotional affair with this guy. But after March 15, she "broke up" with you, so I don't think you can be very upset about things after that. You were wooing her at your own risk since she told you not to expect anything..

2. Yes. She was cheating. This was an emotional affair. Some people who otherwise might have gotten over the sex part do not ever forgive the emotional betrayal. Who knows which one hurts worse, because they are both very traumatic for the betrayed spouse. Some people would argue that the emotional part of the cheating was actually more hurtful to them..

3. How you forget it and get over it is the magic question. I think a lot of it will have to do with her. Is she gaining your trust back? Is she answering all your questions? Is she being truthful now? Is she figuring out why she allowed herself to cheat on you? What promises is she making that it won't happen again? And what actions is she taking to prove those promises? Too many people "rugsweep" the affair and don't talk about it, just hoping the issues will go away. That does NOT work. You have to get to the root of the problem and figure things out so she doesn't just use and manipulate you over and over again. The fact that you continued to woo her even after she broke up with you seems like you allowed yourself to be a doormat. You must stand up for yourself and be willing to lose this relationship if she doesn't do what you need to heal. You don't want to find out she did this again years down the road. I would definitely put marriage on hold with this woman.. Her obsession with contacting this guy through extra Facebook accounts and such would make me very nervous. There are SOOO many ways to cheat nowadays, drop phones, texting apps in smart phones, secret emails, etc. If she wants to cheat, she will find a way..

4. The timeframe I hear the most is 2 to 5 years. But that's with a remorseful spouse who is dedicated to your healing. Say she does this again a year from now, then the 2 to 5 years starts all over again. It worries me you already had some issues before, so it might be time to cut your losses. I know you guys have been together a long time, but you deserve someone who can be more honest with you..

I give her some props for breaking up with you in March when she knew her emotions were taking her elsewhere, and I don't know that you really had a right to put the keylogger on her computer since you guys were not together at the time, but I understand you wanting to know the truth behind the demise of your relationship and wondering whether it was worth fighting for. Had you told me about the messages when you found them, I would have told you to stop looking at them and give up on her.

My example I like to use a lot is that waywards should be shown the door. Then they can fight like hell to get back in the door or walk away. It really does no good to grab a hold of them and bully them into staying (like you threatening revenge on her by exposing her). That does NOT lead to a healthy relationship. If she walks out the door, you have your answer. Otherwise, she needs to fight like hell to get back in, really working on herself and doing whatever you need to heal.

Good luck. Welcome to SI. No matter what you choose to do, there's so much great support here, so I hope you keep posting. If you didn't read the healing library yet (up on the left in the yellow box), it has some great advice.

None of this is easy, and I'm sorry for what you are going through. Hugs..

Wow!

That was great!

I just thought I would just be like this for some months. When you said 2 to 5 years, it actually made me nervous. I don't want to wait that long.

As regards the breakup after March 15, she was just saying that we were already broken up. But her actions were showing otherwise. We still went "intimate" (I hope you know what I mean) twice during that time. So for me, we weren't really broken up. Plus, she told me she still would like to continue OUR plans for the future (the US application).

Well, anyway, right now, I really believe she does no effort anymore to contact the other guy.

And I really think she wants me to heal. She removes everything that would make me remember. I also do the same.

Kudos to her for her efforts.

But I feel they are not enough.

Right now, I'm trying to rebuild my trust in her. But everytime I realize she lied to me, trust levels immediately plunge to zero.

Like when I asked her about the other guy's last name after we "reunited". She said "I don't know. We don't talk about that." Well, when I saw her logs (while deleting them), she searched for his full name several times without mistake after I confronted her.

When I asked her about his age, she added 5 years to his real age.

When I asked her about his relationship status, she said: "I don't know. We don't really talk about that." And then days after, she told me about one of his exes.

I know these lies are minor, but if you want to rebuild your trust in someone, a small simple lie could destroy it all.

And how do I tell her to answer all my questions?

She really wants to get over it already. And she does not want to remember anything about it anymore. She wants us to be happy again.

But then I still have so many questions which I need to be answered.

But she does not want to talk about it anymore. According to her, we have already talked so many times about it (it's been over a month). And she is already tired of talking about it.

But I still have many questions. And I'm not satisfied with her answers since the start. That's why I'm asking her the questions over and over again.

How do I ask her the questions in the way that she would be able to seriously answer them point by point?

She was having a long distance affair.

You deserve better.

How long have you been together, not even married, and she has already done this to you twice? To be blunt, it sounds like you are her meal ticket, her way into the US, maybe her financial provider? She is using you.

You deserve better.

She has done this twice, before you're even married. What makes you think she will change, or that she won't do it again in a few months or years? She didn't respect a relationship, why would she respect marriage?

You deserve better.

She wants to stay together because she doesn't want you to be happy with anyone else. Yet you don't sound very happy with her. Her reasons and excuses are all about herself. She doesn't sound like she values you. She sounds selfish.

You deserve better.

Can you reread your posts but pretend that they were written by someone else? Because I'm reading them thinking, "why on earth would he want to stay with this person?"

It sounds like you are young, and you don't have any kids together. I don't know if kids are in your future plans, but do you want to live life wondering if your kids really are yours? Having to get paternity tests and then constantly worrying about getting STDs, her taking the kids away (especially if international moves may be involved)? Giving her half of your money and working like crazy to pay her alimony to live with another man? Because that's what's in your future if you stay with her.

People rarely cheat only once. There are many people here who married a cheater who promised to change. The cheater then cheated again years or decades later (or never quit but the betrayed found out about it years or decades later.)

As Ama said, you deserve so much better. It's quite amazing how much better life gets when you're only surrounded by good, trustworthy people. Good luck!

As regards the first time that it happened, it wasn't really serious. I knew the guy a bit. She wasn't breaking up with me at that time so I just shrugged it off - although she told me he was her crush when they were in college.

We already talked about that behavior (constantly texting/chatting with another guy). And she promised she would already stop it at that time.

And I believed her.

My point to her was this: whether there is or there isn't any intention to cheat, having a behavior like that when you're in a steady relationship is wrong.

Her usual excuse was: "We are just friends."

And I explained to her that.. yes, they may really be close friends. But that kind of behavior of constantly communicating with another guy is not right.

And now, this second case happened. She did not stop it. It just became worse.

She now believes what I've been telling her the first time it happened. After all the damage!

Thank you for your opinions on what I'm going through now. It helps a lot.

[This message edited by YvesB at 8:38 AM, May 21st (Tuesday)]

And how do I tell her to answer all my questions?

She really wants to get over it already. And she does not want to remember anything about it anymore. She wants us to be happy again.

But then I still have so many questions which I need to be answered.

But she does not want to talk about it anymore. According to her, we have already talked so many times about it (it's been over a month). And she is already tired of talking about it.

But I still have many questions. And I'm not satisfied with her answers since the start. That's why I'm asking her the questions over and over again.

How do I ask her the questions in the way that she would be able to seriously answer them point by point?

She, She, She, She... that's all I heard in this whole post. What do you want? What do you need from a partner? Do you want someone who you can trust, who will do everything in their power to make you feel respected, loved and cared about?

Actions speak louder than words. And her actions are screaming that she doesn't care. She doesn't care enough to not hurt you, she doesn't care enough to answer your questions, she doesn't care enough to show you respect. Like Ama said, You deserve better.

It sucks think that you wasted 7 years but it will suck even worse realizing that you wasted even more. She's showed you who she is, believe her.

She's showed you who she is, believe her.

This ^^^

All those excuses she gave you (I want us to get over this, I'm tired of talking about it, let's just be happy), are all extremely typical of a spouse who is NOT sorry. As I mentioned, she is trying to "rugsweep" this affair. Let's just forget about it and move on.. This proves she is NOT doing whatever it takes to help you heal. If you need to talk about it a hundred million more times, she should be willing to do that.

Honestly, all those lies about the other man should raise some huge flags for you. She is protecting him. She doesn't want you to find out more about him or look him up or talk to him, hence the lying about his age and name, etc. You can think she isn't talking to him, but there are a lot of ways for her to be doing this behind your back..

I really think she is just using you (for migration or a plan B or some other reason), and you are letting her. You really make it too easy for an unremorseful spouse when you dig your head in the sand and let them get away with this crap..

Of course she is going to say they are just "friends." Believe me, we have all heard that one. Even my kids are hearing that one. It's complete bullshit.

I wish we could turn an unremorseful spouse into one who is remorseful, but we just can't. There is no magic trick for changing them. There's just nothing we can do to make them love us as much as we love them. We have no control over what they do, how they think, what they feel. We can only control ourselves.

Her lies are NOT minor. They are manipulating and very damaging to your relationship. But you need to ask yourself what you are going to do about it. As Amazonia said, "YOU DESERVE BETTER. YOU DESERVE BETTER. YOU DESERVE BETTER."

You said the first time it happened wasn't really serious? WRONG!! It IS very serious. She is manipulating you into thinking it wasn't very serious. And she's trying to do that again now. Seriously, I would try to let go of her. I think it's going to take 2 to 5 years whether you are with her or not. It takes a while to get over a break-up, especially when you have been treated so poorly. But I think your suffering is going to last A LOT longer if you stay with her. The ease with which she lies is very disturbing, and YOU DESERVE BETTER!!

Hugs..

She's going to ruin your life if you stay with her. She will hurt you again, and it will be worse next time. Get out, treat it like a death, mourn and later you'll be counting your blessings. I'm so sorry you are in such pain.

Hello again everybody.

She already agreed that she will be totally honest with me from now on.

I usually had so many questions going on in my mind every night which made me lose so much sleep.

And she is very sorry for having lied to me for so many times.

She admitted that:

1. She told the other guy that she liked him already on the last days of Feb.

2. They started constantly chatting in the last days of January.

3. She felt that he liked her on the 2nd week of Feb.

4. She started deleting their facebook conversations the day after I discovered them.

5. She felt guilty during all that time because I was still being the same to her and she was already liking another guy.

6. She already talked about her menstrual cycle to him in March.

7. She felt that he understood him more than I did in mid-Feb.

8. They started talking about our relationship the day after she wanted to break up with me.

9. She fell for him because he was very kind to her. He was always there. And that chatting with him was generally more fun than talking with me at that time.

10. She doesn't miss her now anymore.

11. She doesn't want to meet him someday anymore.

12. Whenever she remembers what happened, she feels uncomfortable. She said she wants to disown whatever she said to him during all those times.

13. Regarding the US application, she said she planned to reunite with me if we really pursued it.

14. She said the "magic spell" lost its effect on April 8, the day after D-day.

15. She did not lose her feelings for me during the breakup time but they lessened. And then guilt was added.

Well, these are just some. I'm typing them here because I lost sleep upon realizing that she lied to me many times. I just slept for 1 hour tonight. But I'm also somehow thankful that she's now totally honest with me.

My question now is:

Should I still continue asking her questions about the specific details of their emotional affair? Especially now that I know I would lose sleep again whenever I find out a lie that she told me before? Or is this necessary for healing?

Thanks.

Hi Yves,

It's good you got a timeline, at least it's information to begin working with. Do you think it's real information or fabricated?

I worry for you and fear that you will continue to get hurt, like the other post said. You've been really kind to this person, who is not treating you in kind. This is what I had to face. EXH was using me as a situation til he got a better one.

I'm not saying that's going to happen to you and would never try to predict outcome for anyone, but her going back and forth doesn't make me feel warm and fuzzy and convinced her answers are sincere.

I will say that it took me forever and a day to tear away the blinders from Perv, while everyone we knew was "onto him". I was being married by myself, while he was off in a whole entire universe, even while in the same house, while he still was.

Then when confronted with me, would tell me any old thing I wanted to hear, just to make it and me pass by and go away.

I don't read that your GF's behavior has stopped, has it?

And yes, I hear much about her in your posts but not about you, you are very focused on her, as I was once. If there's a way to take a step back from her, even if it's hard, maybe you could see the forest through the trees.

The Visa is an interesting thing, is it a Visa for her?

I just don't want you to be the back up plan, while you give it your all, for that's what I did for 20 years.

I am glad you are questioning the things you are.

And yes, it's cheating, very much EA and I hope it won't "progress" with anyone.

The vague answers sound like protection and hoping to throw you off track, this is even a little bit common.

I wish you well and hope that you can make some decisions. I think the answers are there but we don't always want to know them in our heart.

Good luck.