In any case, I’m full of grief, fear and anger again – less grief, more anger and fear than before. (Strangely, W just told me she started a thread on WS called something like ‘Waves of Fear’. We'll talk about her post tomorrow, if not tonight. I told her about feeling lousy, and she asked if I posted.)
Ironically, we had an MC session scheduled for today, because my W was nervous about going to the St. Louis g2g, and I’m the one who’s discombobulated – and our MC had to reschedule, because she preferred oral surgery to seeing us. (Well, maybe she preferred oral surgery to a painful tooth....) Until I speak to our MC, I’ll go with feeling my feelings when they come up, but …
Is this just another one of those things that take time to heal? Does anybody have any tips?
It gets tiring and frustrating, I know. But you know as well as I that it will pass.
"Knowing is half the battle"
Expecting progress not perfection
I am of the opinion that healing hurts more than the initial wound itself. At least, that seems to be the case with physical injuries, and I think that applies to broken hearts as well.
I don't know if this helps at all, but when I go through these stages, I feel like I am in an airplane, looking down at the 30K foot view of my life, and I can clearly see the extent of all of the damage that was done, and it is all magnified through a small 12x12 porthole with neatly rounded corners. Sometimes the view from that height and that magnification through such a simple window can be overwhelming.
I think it's okay to give your mind and senses a rest, and find comfort in your immediate surroundings, whether it is burying your nose in a book, putting on your headphones and listening to a favorite musical piece, adjusting the lighting or air conditioning with the controls above you, or even holding hands with your wife, who is in the seat next to you, watching you go through what you are going through, or even talking with her. Whatever can help you find peace in the current moment.
This healing bit is a day by day deal, and during the times when it hurts more, it is a moment by moment deal. Either way, it these are all steps in the right direction. I think you are on the good and healthy path towards that destination of healing.
Wishing you and your wife the best.
Hang in there, and take care.
When a BS first arrives here with an unrepentant WS(I am not suggesting yours is), usually one of the first suggestions given is the 180. It is given with the intent that the BS work on themselves while the WS works on pulling their head out. Part of that is beginning the process of mending our broken heart ourselves I think. Somehow finding the things that make us(the BS) happy again.
Once we have begun that process and are in a 'safe' place IMO there's another decision to be made. How close are we willing to let the WS get to us? That of course is dependent on many factors. How badly did they hurt us, how remorseful are they, how well do they really know us? You know the routine.
How close are you willing to let her get?
One last thought. You use two tenses in your question.
I’ve realized my heart is breaking
it’s my heart, and she broke it
I do suspect time will be your answer.
Again apologies for a poorly worded answer.
Have you at all found peace with yourself? Your insight and guidance has been invaluable during my time on SI, but I have noticed you've been focusing a lot on your wife lately and how she's handling what she did and her feelings. What are you doing for yourself? Are you taking a proactive role in your own healing or are you waiting for her to have a turning point and make the changes you want?
I've gotten the impression you're stuck because your wife is stuck. My heart was broken as well and is in many ways still broken. It's being mended, slowly, in large part because of my own healing, but also my wife's constant vigilant efforts to do anything it takes. Should I, or she, become stuck in our individual work I'd think about trying a different process and seeing if that works for me. Much like in weight lifting and exercising when you plateau. You may need to change up what you've been doing and try a fresh approach to yourself to get unstuck. Or there may be the sad reality of, this is it. As good as it gets.
Surrender to the truth of life.
I don't know the answer to your question and am only a year out further than you, but do remember year two finally accepting that this is my life. Accepting that my marriage had broken and changed forever and that my H nor I could ever really 'fix' the break in my heart......it would always be there. I remember the overwhelming sadness that accompanied this acceptance and when I tired of grieving, I made a decision I needed to move on....that I don't have many years left and I want to be happy, with or without my H. I know I can make it without him now and that was freeing.....I don't want to live without him, but if I have to I will be fine.
I don't know if acceptance is a place you might find yourself right now.
It was also at the end of year two that H asked if I would agree to a trip the following year with the whole family to celebrate our wedding anniversary. In 2009 I didn't think I'd ever celebrate another anniversary.
But I threw myself into the planning of it and instead of dreading it all year, I started to look forward to it. We had a wonderful time with our kids and friends and I am so glad I agreed.
For us, travel and new things seem to bring out the best in both of us. We enjoy exploring and it's a time that brings us closer together.
I don't know what works for the two of you bringing you closer together, and this may be a silly suggestion. But maybe it's time for the two of you to go off somewhere new and just play...explore, try something new and feel insecure together conquering it...
Time is a wonderful friend and things will change....again.....take good care of yourself and know you will not only survive, but thrive.
It passes. I find that if I treat myself to something I like or do something for myself it helps. I usually get a haircut, buy some new clothes or something I looked at in a store, but never bought before.
80s comedies seem to lift my spirits for a little while.
Lastly I share with my W and explain how I am feeling and by doing so can sometimes zero in on what exactly has me down, so I/we can address it.
DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.
Sorry to hear that you are hurting. Your wisdom and caring come through in so many of your posts to so many people.
Do you know what is underneath this fear and hurt? Is it something new? Or are you afraid to take that next new step in the rebuilding of the M? Could it be that things are getting to close to normal and that scares you? Is your wife displaying any new behaviors that are setting off alarm bells for you?
I hope that you get to the bottom of what is going on and you can restore your sense of peace and balance.
Your balanced wisdom here in recon is always so appreciated.
..realistically, i don't ever think my heart will get over the double betrayal..
..the damage is done and permanent.. i'll hate the bfOM till the day i die, even though he is long dead and ashes buried.
..the marriage to my HS sweatheart destroyed.. it was corrupted and violated from before we even married and all through it..
..nothing was as it appeared ..whose heart 'wouldn't break', learning that after 40 years..
there is no chance to mend a heart that has been mutilated. or a mind that has been tortured..
..i've quit trying to pretend that it can!
I guess the roller coaster ride can dip even a couple of years later. Hang in there, it should go back up again. Take care.
I am sorry you are hurting. You have helped so many along the way.
I still can feel all those thing, 4 yrs out. I have learned to just acknowledge whatever I am feeling, let it stew for a bit, and then see if I need to work with it. I just went thru the "phase of flatness", which surprised me this far out. But our hearts and minds have their own agendas.
Feelings are feelings, and just can't be rushed. Take some time for yourself.
Sorry to hear that you are hurting. Your wisdom and caring come through in so many of your posts to so many people.
sissoon, you have also ever been a source of wisdom and insight for me. I know that the four-letter word "time" is hard to comprehend, but I believe that you will work through this and be the stronger for it. We all have some "funk" days, but hang in there!
Honey Badger don't care. - Randall
Well that sucks. I do think that only we can figure out how to heal our own heart. I think I am doing it in the following manner...
- yes feeling the feelings. Sit with them, think them through objectively and share them with people you trust.
- Broadening my world view. This one has been critical for me. Reading about and practicing meditation has helped me tap into a whole new world of understanding the human condition is all its hurtful and wonderful states. Simply put it helps me feel not so darn a lone in the world when I am feeling hurt and down.
- taking care of my heart physically. Water, Wine, physical work. I play sports and walk with nature, but you have a path to find there.
- Stop looking back. Your W is where she is now...not back there. Feelings are important to work through but just make sure you aren't working through ones from the past....
Get into IC if you need it, hit the local yoga class, walk with friends...engage with world in all its horror and light...
take care of yourself....
It's ok to still get mad sometimes. Go be pissed off for awhile, and then have your wife tell you that you look pretty (or whatever love language you may prefer). Then go do something fun. This was a lather/rinse/repeat process for me for about 3 years.
Your gentle words and wisdom have always helped me sort through whatever has been plaguing me at various times.
I am sorry to see you struggling.
I tried reading your back story and your WW's comments as well.
I really wonder if your broken heart is broken because of your WW being stuck.
She seems to be paralyzed by what happened, what she did and who she was... This is pure conjecture, of course, but based on the few posts I have read.
You've written that your WW was seduced and blackmailed into her A with OW. Your WW describes fear as being a constant block for her and even now at 2.5 yrs she only feels well for short amounts of time (minutes) in a day.
It really seems that the fear is rooted to something and the fear, or at least identifying it and its source, would help both of you.
Could this be the key to mending your broken heart and easing her fears? Is this something you have discussed in MC? Is she in IC trying to get to the root of the fear? Just thinking out loud, I guess.
Hugs! I am wishing you peace!
When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl
I heard a song last weekend that really hit me - 'When I fall in love/ It will be forever...'. I think that's me (though the rest of the song isn't), and it changed my view of what I've been doing over the past 2.5 years.
I've always seen myself as making a rational choice of R over D with my eyes wide open. Now, I'm pretty sure that's bullshit – in reality, I chose between giving up Love and keeping it, even under terrible circumstances. Hearing that song made me realize I was a lot more committed to the relationship than I realized. In a sense, I thought I could choose D way back when, but in reality, I couldn’t. I'm stuck with my W until and unless she sends me away or does something egregious enough to walk - and cheating wasn't bad enough.
I'll survive if we split, and I'll do my best to thrive, but I think Love is the reason for my new broken-heartedness - I loved her unconditionally. She knew, and she used me. (I’ve always hated ‘fool for love’ songs. Now I know why – I’m a fool for love.)
I think some unhealthy stuff (poor pitiful me) is mixed up with healthy grief and anger. Up to now, I haven’t dealt with these feelings because of the unhealthy stuff. Now I realize that feeling self-pity may be just the trick for getting to my healthy grief and anger, if that makes sense.
Live and learn … and it takes as long as it takes.
(Meanwhile, W just showed me her post called 'Waves of Fear'. (She showed me her draft - we don't know each other's SI IDs, and we don't read each other's posts.) I don't recognize her from what she’s written. Since D-Day, she has been honest, loving, compassionate, and supportive in any way she can be. If she's defensive at the start of a conversation, she stops. WRT empathy, she usually doesn’t know what I'm thinking, but she recognizes what I'm feeling (mad, sad, glad, scared) and responds supportively.) She realizes she hurt herself terribly by cheating, and she sees that she hurt me. According to her and to her IC, she’s committed to living authentically/honestly with me, and she’s committed to doing the work she needs to do to get there.)
I have seen here on SI often “wash, rinse, repeat”. I think that is sometimes true. I also think that sometimes working through a new wrinkle can sometimes feel the same as it did when the journey started. For me that was black. I could not see anything, and that was a scary place for me. Now I think for me part of it is chemical and the feelings are triggered back to those early days.
I hope that with sitting with this a little some peace and clarity will come for you.