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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What the hell is wrong with me!
stilltrying2025
♀ Member
Member # 39145
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in such a panic mode this morning and it's so, so, SO stupid! Why can't I stop checking the stupid cell phone bill? This morning it tells me that the messaging usage is unavailable and sorry for the inconvenience. NOOOOOOO!!!!! I can see he is texting but I can't see to who! I'm going completely insane! Why can't I just get over this man and move on; that's why I moved out so I didn't have to worry about it anymore! This addiction I have to the website to look at the bill is totally killing me mentally and emotionally. How am I ever going to get myself to stop? I'm so angry with myself.

Anyone else have this "obsession" or is it just me? Any ideas how to stop it? Man, am I a mess or what!?!?!?!?!


Me: 38
WH: 43
DD: Thanksgiving Day, 2012
Status: Separated

Posts: 184 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Minnesota
SeanFLA
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You will stop when you tell yourself to stop. At some point you will become indifferent and just not care anymore. For me it was like a "surrender" switch clicked on in my head. Once I surrendered to it the pain began to let up. It was more replaced with anger then finally indifference. You WILL get to that point I promise. But for now your mind needs to process it and the panic attacks that come with it. Many of us have been there. I know Xanax helped me get through it when it was so overwhelming. Now I look back and say to myself.."Why was I like that over her?" I'm more embarrassed at myself now for acting like that. Never again.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1459 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
heartbroken_kk
♀ Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, BTDT.

Substitution and a mantra was the trick for me. What alternate thing can I do when the urge strikes to check?

For me, puzzles was one of the tricks I used.

And my mantra was "Focus on MY life, forget about his.

So, it went sorta like this...

Urge to check pops up. Ok, noted. There's that damn urge again. "Focus on ME and MY new life, forget about him." Hey, how about a sudoku puzzle, cup of tea and a moment of distraction and relaxation instead? "Ok! Fabulous idea. Peppermint! Hypersudoku here I come!"

And then when I finished the puzzle I had often forgotten about the urge.

Oh, and delete your bookmark for that page, and clear it from your browser history. Delete the saved password. Make it harder to get there. More steps between you and that totally dysfunctional "fix" and you have a better chance of interrupting yourself when the urge strikes and redirecting yourself back to YOU and your new life.


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1121 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
Jayne Doe
♀ Member
Member # 32664
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sell on ebay. asshat does too, but not so much... every now and then.

One day I decided to look at his ebay profile to see if he was selling things. He wasn't but I saw what he was buying. A 6 foot teddy bear, earrings, expensive sheets, a nice nice camera.
I was on the road to healing when I saw that. I cried all nite.

Then I had an epiphany. Snooping was doing nothing but UPSETTING ME! It wasn't changing the outcome. I knew he was done with our marriage so what was I trying to prove? Did I really need to know that he bought her a 6 foot tall teddy bear? Nope.

I decided to stop torturing myself. I decided to stop hurting myself.

You will get there. Ask yourself BEFORE you snoop - why am I doing this when I already know the answer? Am I doing this just to upset myself? And if so, don't I deserve to treat myself better? And then walk away from that computer.

It's one thing to snoop when they are telling you they want R and you are trying to decide if they are sincere. But you're posting this in the D/S forum... you know the answer.

Stop snooping, it's not worth it.... sending you strength to stop ST (((hugs)))


Everyday is a blank canvas, and only you hold the brush.
30y M traded in for a POM (pathetic Old Maid 46, 2 kids from different dads. never married)
S 11/11, D final 1/14.

Posts: 1454 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Suburbia, Arizona
stilltrying2025
♀ Member
Member # 39145
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the advice and support everyone! I've been addicted to doing this for the past 6 months so it's a hard habit to break. We are trying a 3 month separation and we are only 1 1/2 weeks into it so it's pretty new yet. I'm still not back to work; needed time to adjust, so that doesn't help. Too much free time on my hands. I usually try to go walking when I get the urge but it's cold and rainy so I can't do that. I have no money so I can't go anywhere. I have a piece of crap car (thank you WH) so I don't dare drive very far and with the price of gas, $4.19 a gallon, I don't want to go anywhere. So, I sit in my apartment listening to music, playing on Facebook, stalking this website and the cell phone website. Ugh....I need to get back into a routine so I don't have so much time on my hands. I also need to get some money so I can go and do something! And I need the weather to get nice again.

I know this will pass; just really hard right now.


Me: 38
WH: 43
DD: Thanksgiving Day, 2012
Status: Separated

Posts: 184 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Minnesota
Jayne Doe
♀ Member
Member # 32664
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still - I can relate to that as well.... the worst of times with us were during the 110* degree beautiful weather of an Az summer

A couple things I did was to make a list of things I wanted to do. Projects, etc around the house. And started doing them.

I started drawing again. Blasting music and drawing.

Reading a book. Magazine.
Online gossip magazines - anything to force myself to think about anything else.

You've just got to retrain your brain. And it works. Everytime I get that snooping urge, I can tell myself NO, and I am a woman that has zero willpower when it comes to anything else in my life.

You can do this! Rooting for you!


Everyday is a blank canvas, and only you hold the brush.
30y M traded in for a POM (pathetic Old Maid 46, 2 kids from different dads. never married)
S 11/11, D final 1/14.

Posts: 1454 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Suburbia, Arizona
ErinHa
♀ Member
Member # 10138
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You will get to the point where you don't care at all...until then it's a daily process. If you need to look, look. Someday I promise it won't be interesting at all...


ME--BS 46years old
HIM--WS 48 years old
3 Kids--DS11, DS13, DD15
Married 13 years, together 15 years
1st Dday 6/7/04
2nd Dday 3/13/06
From 2006 on too many to count (gave up)

Divorcing


Posts: 799 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Happy, peaceful
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Substitution and a mantra was the trick for me. What alternate thing can I do when the urge strikes to check?
This ^^^

I did it with "Stop. Breathe. Refocus." Whenever I caught myself with intrusive or unwanted thoughts, I would stop myself. Breathe deeply. And then force myself to refocus on something else - something healthy for me.

After a while, it becomes second nature. And with more time, it becomes automatic. And before you know it, the focus has shifted completely, and you no longer feel the need to look because it just doesn't matter to you anymore.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25018 | Registered: Aug 2011
FooledtwiceTX
♀ New Member
Member # 39167
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have the same obsession with the phone bill. I just try to remind myself that checking it isn't going to change him or get him to stop doing what he is doing. I need to focus on me, not him. In addition to some of the ideas mentioned, I do the rubberband on the wrist thing. Everytime I think about checking the phone bill I snap it.


Me 39 BS
Him 39 WH
2 great kiddos- 9 and 5
D day 4/02/13
Divorced 11/11/13
He is living w OW

Posts: 9 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Texas
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had that obsession with contact/no contact. It became like an addiction.

The word "threshold" comes to mind with this, where my tolerance for amounts of pain we are able to bear became too much and like you others, I had to turn away and to myself. I was going down a slippery slope.

And, realizing that it was me causing my own pain really helped.

One thing I do is turn to SI, because I can work on "it" but my hands have to do something else. And yes, things like puzzles or going for a drive or walk help.

I notice when my mind is in dissaray, if I get out and move myself around, the change of focus that my eyes see helps distract my thinking, as simple as naming the objects that go by. If I'm to far gone, I walk. And I leave the nuisance that makes the problem behind.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2197 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
stilltrying2025
♀ Member
Member # 39145
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for all the advice! I'm just in a rut and can't seem to get myself out of it. I posted a WTF question too because so much happened this past weekend that once again I'm in limbo. I don't know what the F to think! Is this a 3 month separation to figure shit out or a 3 month separation to screw as many people as you want. That's a lot of the reason I watch the phone bill. First it was to watch when he text his OW but now it's to see if he is texting my supposed "best friend" to see if he can get sex from her. I'm just sick to my stomach. No wonder I can't eat, sleep or function. Dumb....


Me: 38
WH: 43
DD: Thanksgiving Day, 2012
Status: Separated

Posts: 184 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Minnesota
time2Bstronger
♀ Member
Member # 34715
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im on my cell, so pls. Excuse spelling. I had the same cell pnone obsession as u and was actuallu relieved in a way wen wh got his cell chamhed to a work phpne and I cohldnt check. Really, if he knows u check there r a zillipm ways around it, so K rid come to tje realization that my checking was futile. Wat comcerns me is fhat u dont seem to lnow wat to expect from this "trial separatjln". I think amy info u get regarding bis behavior during separation ie the amazon purchases says vwry clearly wherw he is and may help u make the best decision for u.

Posts: 356 | Registered: Feb 2012
LifeIsBroken
♀ Member
Member # 27071
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whenever I think I want to do something that I know isn't good for me, I tell myself: ok, you can do it after you do this.... then do 'this.' Then, I would tell myself: ok, after you do THIS, then you can (do whatever). And, after I do whatever, then it's something else that needs to be done.... It's like stalling it off till the urge is gone.


BW: 59
XH: 60
Married 34 yrs, LIBerated: 2/17/11
MOW: 50 (she said she wanted a sugar daddy; xh said, "I'M HIM!")
Actions ALWAYS have consequences. Too bad cheaters don't consider the consequences BEFORE they create so much damage.

Posts: 453 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Missouri & Massachusetts
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've started to realise that I am causing some of my own hurt. WW has left me for good; therefore I no longer need to snoop or ask the children what she is doing or whether the POS is doing all the things that I supposedly wasn't doing.

Last night was a real low point for me which made me realise I need to stop. I felt like a stalker. WW told DS in front of me that POS was still at work. He never works that late, I thought! I took a drive to his work and his car was not there. Is he already lying to WW? Surely WW would be suspicious because that is exactly what she would say to me when she was actually sneaking off with POS. I then drove back to their house and his car still wasn't there. I smiled but then I rationalised that it is probably totally innocent (although I hope not).

THEN IT HIT ME. It's none of my business. I cannot and should not give a shit what they do. She is no longer my problem. I am not verifying her story for my benefit because we are not in reconciliation, we are not a married couple anymore (legally but not in any other way)

The only thing I need to check on is that she is looking after my children, and that POS is not being inappropriate with them.

If she chooses to have a football team round for an orgy, films it, sticks it on FB, gets pregnant and spends all her equity from her half of the house on him - It is NONE OF MY BUSINESS. I have to tell myself this every time I get an urge. It's a habit becuase the WS was part of our lives for so long. I'm having withdrawal symptoms and must go cold turkey.

[This message edited by allatsea at 7:11 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)]


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 659 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sorry double post

[This message edited by allatsea at 8:32 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 659 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
Safeguard
♀ Member
Member # 38899
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate to admit this but... I could not stop my compulsive behavior without professional help. I really tried. I saw what a mess I was, and wanted to stop, but I had developed some sort of "Traumatic OCD. I even took up running because I read that it could be used in place of anti-depressant medication. I ran for MONTHS. I needed medication. Within two weeks of anti anxiety/anti depression medications I was able to stop my compulsive checking up on my ex. Only then did I see how much I was neglecting myself,( and my children!), in my desperation.

Not saying you need meds, just that it was a HUGE relief, and it was QUICK. No amount of mantra's or thought stopping,activities of any kind worked for me.

I am sorry I waited so long to get help. I nearly killed myself trying "other" ways, to snap myself out of it. I was exhausted both physically and mentally before I went to my doctor for help.

[This message edited by Safeguard at 1:18 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]


"since your actions don't match your words, excuse me while I stop believing you."

Posts: 143 | Registered: Apr 2013
tesla
♀ Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, BTDT...big time.

The only way I stopped was when ex-shat cut off my access to the website. Thank god he did. It was such a relief to me to be free of that compulsion.

Get a new account, cut yourself off from that one...do whatever you have to to reclaim a little bit of your sanity.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4610 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used to check it compulsively. Like, every 15 minutes compulsively. And then go back and look at past months and stuff like that. I finally forbid myself from doing it and only had a few small relapses until we split the plan near the end of November.

Posts: 1656 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
tryingagain74
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*raises hand*

I did it too-- the last time I did it, which was about a year ago, was like a kick in the gut. I was almost moved out and feeling pretty good about life, and then I went and messed it up by snooping where I shouldn't have. I think that going from feeling pretty happy way down to depressed and lousy was what did the trick for me.

Try staying away from it for one day. Just one. Once you make it through that day, try one more. Before you know it, the urge will have faded, and you'll start feeling lighter and happier. I probably snooped for a good seven months after DDay until that last time. Believe me, when you stop snooping, you'll notice the difference in how much better you feel. You also need to remember that snooping will not change things, fix things, or improve the quality of your life in any way. Unless you're building a case for court or snooping for some other reason that will protect you, you're just picking the scab so that the wound is unable to start the healing process.

[This message edited by tryingagain74 at 7:57 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3572 | Registered: Oct 2011
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That makes so much sense that it's a form of OCD, thank you! I never associated it with that!

I also did it with checking social networks and every time I saw something "they did", it hurt me more...but I couldn't stop. I deactivated my stuff and it really helped and now neither has access to me. And the realization of OW having access to me helped, like shock.

I think we have to be shocked out of this sometimes? For me it resembled a version of a fog.

And yes, I had to realize it was really none of my business and that really helps. I finally don't want to know-not a damn thing about him or them or her, though still comes to mind.

I notice when we go a long while and I show no interest, Perv will throw some tidbit about himself. I ignore it now, am finally able to and realize it may be a hook?

It's a form of self-inflicted pain and sometimes we have to get to a certain point, I think, to do it ourseves.

Another thing that annoyed me about myself doing those things has several points-he is out living while I am chasing a ghost and my life is going by. And he may have been leaving trails for me to see and then he wouldn't have to say in words, the true coward's way out.

I'm sorry for everyone's pain that brings them to do it.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2197 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Topic Posts: 21
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