Thanks for all the responses everyone. I feel like a bad soap opera sometimes, but it really helps to put it all here and get it out.. Thanks a million times over to the lady at JCPenney who told me about this site..
Involving your kids like this is pretty damn low.
I agree. I think that's my biggest problem with this. He like to accuse me of telling the kids too much and using them as pawns, etc., but he doesn't realize that it's him doing it. I've ignored tons of his crap, but I just don't know if that's appropriate when it comes to the kids. So now it's not just responding to kids and finances, I have to decide what to respond to when it comes to kids and finances..
He told me a few months ago to "ask DS9" about the schedule and who he wants to spend more time with. I told him that I will not ask DS9 about that, they are too young to make decisions on visitation, and that I'm upset he keeps trying to think of ways to put them in the middle.
He says that they see me being rude to him and see my hatred for him? That's not true unless he tells them what is going on with us. And I haven't even BEEN rude or hateful to him. I don't tell the kids about our issues, and they don't even see us together anymore, so how would they know how I feel unless he is assuming how I feel and then telling them lies about what I've done??
This really started with him involving the kids in his affair for over a year and having them lie to me about it. I couldn't believe my kids knew her and her son so well and never told me about all the times they had spent together. I never even met her! Right there I see him mind-fucking them, but I don't know what I can do about it. I do my best on this end to reassure them that I love them, they can tell me anything, how secrets are not okay, etc., but I feel like it is all continuing. Like things are happening over there that he's telling them not to tell me about. Doesn't he see how it's him that's fucking with their heads?? He's forcing them to keep secrets FROM THEIR MOTHER.
If this was all just directed at me and my feelings, it would be easier to ignore. I feel like there are HUGE issues when it comes to the kids and alienation and secrets and mind-fucking, so it's hard for me just to ignore that stuff. The momma bear in me feels like sitting on the sidelines and letting it all happen is just wrong.. I know he doesn't respect me at all and won't even admit to what he's doing, so I don't know where to turn. I realize it will not help to discuss with him all the mistakes he is making when it comes to the kids..
My former attorney had mentioned requiring family counseling as part of the divorce. STBX always lied his way through IC and MC when we went in the past, so I don't think it will really be helpful, but I feel like something should be done. My new attorney and I have discussed a parental alienation case against him, and I have some pretty good proof, even some text messages from him to my son where he calls me a liar and tells my son I can't be trusted, but my lawyer said that to prove alienation, his tactics actually have to work. Luckily my kids and I still have a great relationship with lots of love, so I can prove that he's been trying to alienate me, but not that it has actually worked..
This is why I don't even feel like I can deal with the cheating aspect of this heartbreak yet. I'm too worried about my kids and what they've been through and are going through to really care about the actual sex and love that my husband is sharing with other women. It's just not nearly as important or as hurtful as what he's doing to my poor kids.. Now if I could just think of what I'm supposed to be doing about it..