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Newest Member: brierpatch (45434)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Blown Away
Forever_Sorry
♂ Member
Member # 23167
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I went to IC today like I do every Tuesday. We spent most of our time discussing Mrs FS and how I am torn between wanting more out of life and not wanting to leave her. She suggested (for the second time) that I approach Mrs. FS about having an open marriage...WTF? Isnt that why I was there in the first place?
I am just beside myself blown away. I've been seeing her for years and dont really want to change counselors.. We've made some real progress... But this? She suggested that it wouldnt be the same as the A because I would be open and up front about it. OMG, I couldnt put my BS through that.. what a huge betrayal IMO.. I'm not sure what I should do. Advise?


When the pain outweighs the fear, thats when you make the changes.

Posts: 334 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Michigan
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Change IC's. She is going against what you are comfortable with and there are better solutions.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5091 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
PurpleRose
♀ Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No stop sign.. I'm wondering if you asked her why she thought that was good advice?

Is she seeing something in you that leads her to think an open marriage is a good idea? Or perhaps the only option?


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3618 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
SandAway
♀ Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you are blown away by this suggestion, I would think she would have realized that the first time and not suggested it again.

What did you say when she suggested that yesterday?

As TG said, change IC's. You said you have been going there for a while, sounds like its time to talk to someone new.


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 439 | Registered: Dec 2012
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am torn between wanting more out of life and not wanting to leave her.
So what's preventing you from having more in your life with your wife?

To make statments like the one above and then express shock at the suggestion of an open marriage don't really line up.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6321 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Forever_Sorry
♂ Member
Member # 23167
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We've been working on one of my many personality flaws that has been a detriment to my heart. I tend to be an all or nothing, black and white kind of guy so she's trying to help me learn how to find a middle ground. I'm not so sure that there is a middle ground in marriage.. you're either married or you're not and all either of those entails. Is it possible that I misunderstood this?


When the pain outweighs the fear, thats when you make the changes.

Posts: 334 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Michigan
Forever_Sorry
♂ Member
Member # 23167
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So what's preventing you from having more in your life with your wife?

Aubrie, its a lot to explain. Read my previous thread Help needed Here.


When the pain outweighs the fear, thats when you make the changes.

Posts: 334 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Michigan
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll check it out Forever_Sorry.

Been out of the loop here lately.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6321 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
SandAway
♀ Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So what did you say when she suggested it??


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 439 | Registered: Dec 2012
Forever_Sorry
♂ Member
Member # 23167
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told her that I couldnt hurt her like that again


When the pain outweighs the fear, thats when you make the changes.

Posts: 334 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Michigan
She-Ra
♀ Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

An open marriage? That's a terrible suggestion for your IC to make to you. The problem is your BW is suffering from depression and PTSD which she CHOOSES not to get help for. You mentioned she knows she needs help but doesn't get it. That is her choice.

Agree with the others.. Get a new IC. Sounds like she has run her course and its time to call it quits with her.

As for your BW, you can't force her to get help. Maybe it's time to consider a separation. It's not working and maybe your A was a deal breaker but she's too stuck in her problems to admit that to you :( I'm sorry that your BW is in so much pain. Your previous posts remind me of my mom. You can't force someone to get help when they don't seek it themselves.


WW/BW 33 BH/WH 34
1 year old beautiful daughter

Posts: 862 | Registered: Jul 2012
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After reading your other thread, I tend to agree with MUC.

You can only help your BS if she will let you. I have a dear friend who is a FWS. They are 2 years out and their marriage is more than 99% likely to end in D because the BS is stuck and the situation is getting terribly toxic.

And yes, new IC.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6321 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know that his wife is stuck because of his A anymore. It sounds like there are some significant physical issues.

Is your W willing to do anything about her physical issues at this point in time?

I realize that you are frustrated with how things are, but if you saw your W start to make some effort at getting herself a better life, would that help?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5091 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Forever_Sorry
♂ Member
Member # 23167
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I realize that you are frustrated with how things are, but if you saw your W start to make some effort at getting herself a better life, would that help?

That would help tremendously!


When the pain outweighs the fear, thats when you make the changes.

Posts: 334 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Michigan
Forever_Sorry
♂ Member
Member # 23167
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So the general consensus is for a new IC. I feel the same. It sucks cause it took me awhile to learn to trust her. I'll have to start the process all over again.


When the pain outweighs the fear, thats when you make the changes.

Posts: 334 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Michigan
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Will she go out and take very short walks with you? Like ten minute walks?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5091 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Forever_Sorry
♂ Member
Member # 23167
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Will she go out and take very short walks with you? Like ten minute walks?

I got her to go on one last Saturday. First one in over a year.


When the pain outweighs the fear, thats when you make the changes.

Posts: 334 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Michigan
Forever_Sorry
♂ Member
Member # 23167
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Will she go out and take very short walks with you? Like ten minute walks?

I got her to go on one last Saturday. First one in over a year.


When the pain outweighs the fear, thats when you make the changes.

Posts: 334 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Michigan
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This has helped me quite a bit. I do two ten minute walks a day, and I try to increase it if I am not in pain. Alternating days I go for a fifteen min bike ride. Slowly but surely it is getting easier.

Chronic pain is so depressing.

I can say, it is more fun when we take our dogs out on the walks.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5091 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Topic Posts: 19

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