How do I self-help my way out of self-sabotage?! I did make some tiny improvements to my pattern (I saw a counselor a couple times). So, that was a step in the right direction, but still... *sigh*
I would love to hear some success stories!
Doesn't it just suck? I think the worst thing about it is when you realize that you are a self-sabotager and you can see yourself in the process of sabotaging lol...KWIM?
I had always gotten just one step away from everything I wanted and I would do something to ruin my goal. I never thought I deserved better and I just wasn't good enough.
It took a hell of a lot of therapy and conversations with myself. Because I got to a point that I could tell you the day I would "decide" to screw things up I was very aware. I had to make mini, mini goals. I had to change what I called them too. Like with weight loss. Once I would be 1-2 pounds from any goal I would binge...eat and eat and eat. So instead of weight loss goals I now have goals to not abuse/hate myself with food.I have the number still that I want to lose, but my focus is off the food and on my feelings.
It's working for me. I have to love myself with each little goal I want. It's difficult to do when you have spent 40 years thinking you are no good.
It all falls into place when you believe you are good enough and worth it. I had to put myself first for a long time and it has finally become more of a habit.
I do think for me, therapy was key...
While there is definitely a lot to be said for IC, support groups etc. to help you change the negative tapes playing in your head that support the actions of self sabotage, letting go of perfectionism and letting go of self shaming when you do it is a good start too.
That's what I mean by manage. I have hiccups. Sometimes it's just a day, other times it goes on longer. I know enough now to look around and see what the trigger is, and to forgive myself for "falling off the wagon", & that sanity will return.
The other thing you can do is really examine the triggers (as opposed to the why/tape changing). There are situations that I just don't put myself in in order to avoid the triggers. Sort of like don't touch that hot stove since I know it will burn my hand.
Does that make sense?
For example: One of the things I have been beating myself up about is my return to school. My fun class was Spanish. I really like studying languages and it was meant to be an easy class for me to balance the hard class.
So, my first test I got a 99%, my second test I got a 93%, and my third test I got an 89%. See the downward trend? I started feeling really negative about my grades and capabilities, so I didn't even bother to turn in the writing assignment which was worth 10% of the grade.
Then my homework (online assignments) started slipping and I finished those up with a 62%. These are the type that you can redo until you get the answers correct, at least until the due date. Ugh.
So for my grand finale in failure, I skipped the final exam! I figured, I was doing so poorly in class anyway, and I won't be returning to that school later (ensured by my self sabotage), that why should I go through the stress of taking a test that won't matter anyway?
God, I'm such a loser.
So, really... I should accept that life gets in the way, I'm busy as we all are, and I should be more deliberate about positive messages. If I study a little bit, I can do pretty well, but I always have messed it up in the past. *sigh*
So, yes, I completely get it.
Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron
It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling
Right now, I'm sitting on a letter from the IRS...for a month...you think I should open it?? Shit.
That reminds me... I haven't finished my taxes, either.
so I didn't even bother to turn in the writing assignment which was worth 10% of the grade.
I skipped the final exam! I figured, I was doing so poorly in class anyway,
What would have convinced you to do the assignment or the final? A parent not giving you a choice in going to class? Doing well already?
Are you afraid to fail or afraid to succeed?
I can tell you right now, I'll be putting off that work until midnight. And then it will take me 2 hours to do. And when I finally fall into bed, DD will wake me up, telling me she can't sleep. And I will suck wind tomorrow like nobody's business.
"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
Definitely more afraid of success. Unclear on why. Maybe I like the self drama of feeling sorry for myself? Maybe I really don't believe I am capable of succeeding at life. I could explain it away at age 20 as fear and immaturity, but now approaching 42... it's just pathetic.
I have so many friends who are doing work and school and have more kids than me, and they are doing so great! I'm so impressed with them and kind of jealous, too. Maybe I'm just lazy? Maybe I'm not cut out for academia. (I think that's a cop out answer, though.) Probably all of my excuses are just that... excuses. One of my favorite quotes is: If you want something badly enough, you will find a way. If you dont, you'll find an excuse. I guess that defines me.
Thanks for the input!
And now that I'm up against the drop dead time limit, there are shiny things all around me.
I totally get this!
And now that I'm up against the drop dead time limit, there are shiny things all around me
I got this disease too... I call it ADOHPD - Attention Deficit Oh How Pretty Disorder.
I need to pull out my copy of Journey from Abandonment to Healing. I read it a long time ago, but I think it's worth a reread at this point on my journey.
I call it ADOHPD - Attention Deficit Oh How Pretty Disorder.
Definitely more afraid of success. Unclear on why
Do you think that if you don't succeed (by self-sabotaging), then people will not pressure you to succeed?
Are you more afraid of disappointing others than disappointing yourself?
[This message edited by UnexpectedSong at 9:18 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)]
I flunked out of Purdue, i had a full ride scholarship. Why? Because if I couldn't get every assignment done perfectly, I just wasn't going to do it. And, if I gave up, then I could at least convince myself that I could do it, I just didn't.
Then, I flunked a semester recently (a year ago?) , had to retake it all. Because, if I finished, then I had to think about what I wanted to do next. I have no idea what I want to do next, but, I retook the classes, got As in all of them, graduated and still have no idea what I'm going to do.
I spent several months trying to sabotage my relationship with Aussie back when we were dating, because if I could push him away then, than it wouldn't hurt later.
One thing that helped was finally accepting perfect wasn't getting me anywhere. I could either be a college drop out who had the potential to be perfect or I could be a college graduate, which one did I want more. And, I kept telling myself, ANY grade is better than a zero. When it all adds up at the end, even 20 points out of 100 is better than 0 points.
AND, worst comes to worst, you fail. If you have to explain to the college so you can retake the class, you can show you were at least attempting to finish the class, you didn't just give up.
Mini-goals help too. The end goal doesn't look so overwhelming when you break it down.
ETA paragraphs instead of a wall of text.
[This message edited by Weatherly at 12:38 PM, May 24th (Friday)]
It will all be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end
Happily remarried to a wonderful man (Aussie). I think I found the right guy and the right finger this time.
I still kinda want to blame all this on my ex-husband, somehow. It's really a stretch... I know.