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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: how do I make this work
lostandconfused4
New Member
Member # 39315
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I accidentally found out about my husbands EA's and his attempts at PA on my birthday. We have two daughters and the emails with girls and asking for pictures and trading stories and texts has been going on for over 2 years starting when I was pregnant with our first daughter. He was supposed to go to a class that was probably going to make him miss the birth of our second daughter, I found emails where he was making plans with an ex to meet him there and take the EA into PA land. He got out of the class so it didn't happen. Also while on deployment he was making plans to meet a girl and kiss but they didn't go though and I found out shortly after and he did a NC with her. I don't want my marriage to end but I haven't seen him in months and it will be months before he comes home. How do I trust him over there? I didn't see this coming at all, there were things that could have been improved in our marriage but I didn't even consider he was looking elsewhere, I really did just stumble into this and I don't know where to go. I believe that he is sincere in his desire to R but how do I know it won't happen again? Shortly after we started dating he did try to get an ex to sleep with him but it didn't happen and we both just kind of swept it under the rug with an I won't do it again promise, we didn't actively try to R just kind of started over from there because we had not clearly defined expectations for the relationship (though I will admit that I was devastated I just didn't feel justified in my devastation because the exclusivity of our relationship had been assumed not agreed on at that point). I'm sorry I know this is kind of all over the place but I am just so devastated and don't even know how to form a complete thought. Am I even justified in being this devastated when nothing physical even happened? So I guess my question is how can I R when the level of trust needed to survive a deployment hasn't been earned? Any tips for a long distance R?


me: 26 BW
him: 28 WH (patientarcher)
2 beautiful girls
D Day April 26th, 2013
In marriage, secrets are as dangerous as lies. Build your marriage on complete trust, honesty and communication

Posts: 16 | Registered: May 2013
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have just a moment to write, but I want you to know that you've been heard.

More important, for most of us, it's not the sex that hurts, it's the betrayal. EA or PA, no diff - you've still been betrayed.

Wait a while - you'll get more support. While you're waiting, check out the Healing Library - link's in the yellow box, upper left of SI pages.

Hang in - you can get through this and thrive.


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9773 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[1] Shortly after we started dating he did try to get an ex to sleep with him but it didn't happen

[2] my husbands EA's and his attempts at PA ...and the emails with girls and asking for pictures and trading stories and texts has been going on for over 2 years

[3] Also while on deployment he was making plans to meet a girl and kiss but they didn't go though

Until your WH figures out why he feels ENTITLED to seek sexual gratification outside of his marriage, and looks at the double-standard of his (non)exclusive marriage vows, you would be unwise to trust him with your emotional safety.

Spend some time reading "The Healing Library" here (link in yellow box, upper left).

Long distance R will be difficult, since I recommend evaluating a person's ACTIONS, not just his words, when evaluating remorse (which is different than guilt).

[This message edited by ladies_first at 10:20 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)]


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
lostandconfused4
New Member
Member # 39315
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I appreciate the support and advice. I definitely don't trust him with anything at the moment. However I'm afraid that with our situation my only options will be to start trusting him or to leave him, the wait and see seems impossible because the truth is I have no way of verification and all he can give me from there is words... He definitely feels guilt but I can also clearly see remorse. I watched his face when he connected all of the dots and saw just what he put on the line and I have seen his progression over the last almost month. Is it even possible to move forward with so much space between us?

[This message edited by lostandconfused4 at 6:56 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]


me: 26 BW
him: 28 WH (patientarcher)
2 beautiful girls
D Day April 26th, 2013
In marriage, secrets are as dangerous as lies. Build your marriage on complete trust, honesty and communication

Posts: 16 | Registered: May 2013
Topic Posts: 4

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