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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Nora doesn't want to talk, think, text about cOW this much!!
NoraLee
♀ Member
Member # 37922
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H and I returned from a beautiful, romantic getaway to Niagra falls, and we had a blast. I feel like it brought us closer together.

I needed that little trip as the weekend was a challenge as well. cOW changed shifts and now works at the same bar as H on Friday and Saturday nights. This past weekend was their first shift together.

H was wonderful - texted me all night and updating me continually.

H: I looked over the ledge and no sign of her

Me:that's good. Maybe there was a runaway bus...

A little later:

H : she's here at work but got moved to a different bar

Me: that's good! How come?

Him: not sure but she might be back

Later:

H: I asked someone and she was pulled to be at a busier bar

Then:

H: she's here - but no worries - I'm far away from her and I'm keeping my head down - no contact!

H: I just saw her grab her purse and leave. I think she got the early-out. NC baby - not even eye-contact!

So here is my quandary - I am glad he's avoiding her AND updating me - it kept me pretty cool and collected ...but I HATE that we just spent that much mental energy on keeping track of her and her whereabouts - that H was asking where she went to a co-worker ...I don't want this to be our every weekend! (and that was only about a third of our texts about her and her whereabouts that one night)

So H says - how about I just text you if there's any attempt at contact? And I'm like NO! I need to know everything - besides - H wouldn't pick up on fishing attempts if she was actually carrying a rod and tackle box.

Can anyone help me see my way through this? It's not horrible - but irksome...is there a compromise I'm not seeing?


Me - BW - 44
Him - FWH - 42
Married 16 years
D day - 1/2 truth - July 2012
Full disclosure - August 2012
EA with skanky waitress coworker
3 kids - 14, 16, 21
In R

Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Canada
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:44 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that in the beginning there's always a heightened state of vigilance - and that's not a bad thing.

Yes, it's crazymaking to give them this much headspace, but at the end of the day it's the stress of the constant texts versus the stress of the unknown. The unknown tends to jack my stomach up more, personally.

Perhaps after time, when your H builds up more trust, you won't feel like the constant check ins are as necessary. If he proves to you that he is truly on the right path and you have been given zero reason to doubt him, maybe just an agreement that the text will slow unless there is actual news to report?

Bigger picture solution - I sure wish he could find a new place to work!

(((NoraLee)))


I bow to those who keep their hearts open when it is most difficult, those who refuse to keep their armor on any longer than they have to, those who recognize the courage at the heart of vulnerability. - Jeff Brown

Posts: 17335 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
HFSSC
♀ Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 5:16 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How about if he posts what's going on with HIM? Something like, "I'm working and thinking of you. NC is easy when I realize what a wonderful wife you are."

"Sitting here on my break and I am alone, thinking of the life we have. Thank you, Nora"

Stuff like that. Reminding you that he knows what he's supposed to be doing, but not all the focus on the OW.


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2735 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 5:49 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand WHY he is doing this...but it would make me uneasy. Not because it sounds as if your WH is in any way looking for her/asking about her because he "likes" her....but for the simple fact that he *is* looking for her...and he *is* asking others about her. It makes him way to involved in what she is doing. Again,I understand the reason behind it. It just seems as if he spent the entire night watching for her...focused on her...yes,to make you feel comfortable and safe...but still.

(((((Nora)))))


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7428 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bigger picture solution - I sure wish he could find a new place to work!

This. . . ((HUGS))


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6736 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bigger picture solution - I sure wish he could find a new place to work!

I think this is the best solution.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8697 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
NoraLee
♀ Member
Member # 37922
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would love it - but not feasible...I'm hoping we win the lottery and he can retire early - lol! Hell - I hope she wins the lottery and retires early!!


Me - BW - 44
Him - FWH - 42
Married 16 years
D day - 1/2 truth - July 2012
Full disclosure - August 2012
EA with skanky waitress coworker
3 kids - 14, 16, 21
In R

Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Canada
Getting to Happy
♀ Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First, glad you all had a good time in Niagra. Having a good time and reconnecting has a way of 're-writing' some of pain out of your brain.

BUT~

Hell - I hope she wins the lottery and retires early!!

ANYTHING!!! Just so that she beats a retreat from your WH!!!

But seriously, I know what that is like, you and him against the cOW...It feels weird because of how he can turn on a dime and shove her under the bus...HUMMM

But really if you must face cOW as couple, joining forces to stay NC...well...it is a start.

Like another poster said, once you become comfortable with his ability to be NC, the conversation could shift to the two of you.

This happened with Mr. Happy and I. cOW worked with him. Stupid had her in his employ for 5 years!!! UGH!

I didn't figure out the A until it had ended a year before DD.

I put my foot down and he had to get rid of her. So He had to bid his time while the job wound down. Then he had to speak to his manager to make sure that she was not picked up for the next job. That was tricky. And too much of our energy for cOW!!

I was crazy while he worked with her!!!!! CRAZY!

We texted back and forth all through that last job. And he withstood all of my crazy and still kept me informed.

Eventually the convo stopped being about her and became about us.

That really helped me see that he was thinking about ME. I needed that. All that energy towards her and the time it took to sneak around was killing him!

He said it is nice to not feel dirty anymore.

I guess what I am rambling about is that your WH really wants you to know that he is following through and is staying NC.

OH, just give him a cookie!


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
NoraLee
♀ Member
Member # 37922
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks gettingtohappy...in our sitch - H didn't turn on a dime to see cow as "bad". It took a lot of my breaking down the dynamic of their relationship and examining it with him. Looking at who sacrificed money - looking at how she was willing to see him lose everything while she still played with man 1 and man 2, how miserable she was after Dday 1 and we were working things out (why wouldn't a "friend" be happy about that?), and her refusal to honor NC. It took a bit but he saw her patterns in her "emotional" affairs and how self-serving they were in spite of the destruction to the men left behind (he was privy to all the gory details of her current 2 long term relationships.)

I believe in his desire to be totally NC with her - RIGHT NOW - but I always fear he might become a douche again and start being friends with her again...it drives me crazy when he says, "she hasn't even attempted contact - maybe she's finally honoring my wishes" like she's capable of a selfless act. No honey, she see her place at the back of the pack and it isn't doing anything for her fragile ego to see you move heaven and earth every night to not be in the same room with her...


Me - BW - 44
Him - FWH - 42
Married 16 years
D day - 1/2 truth - July 2012
Full disclosure - August 2012
EA with skanky waitress coworker
3 kids - 14, 16, 21
In R

Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 9

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