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Newest Member: DisappointedDude (43160)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: not getting along.
hitbyatruck
♀ Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This R is tough stuff.

I feel like we are back to Pre-Dday state. We are getting on each other's nerves and there has been no sex in months.

We need to go to MC. He doesn't want to go at all. I'm honestly not sure if we will ever be ok. I just don't see how date nights, scheduled sex,or any other suggestions for better marriages will help if only one of us wants to.

He is a man... I really do not want to admit this but we haven't had sex since December. Even before December things weren't good in that department anyway.

(Pre-dday)I always blamed are so-so sex life on my low sex drive. I learned during our separation that I had a sex drive that was very much alive and well. Now I am back to ZERO. ZERO drive but disturbed that he isn't trying. Not one attempt.

He is very short with me and generally grumpy. He also spends countless hours playing an online multi player game. He falls to sleep with his 2 ( yes 2) phones on his chest that he plays his game every night on. I'm sure he would have complaints about me as well.

At a loss, not sure what to do. I know I can't work on the marriage alone.



Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3276 | Registered: Apr 2009
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tell him that. Tell him your requirements for R. There is no reason why you should have to live in a sexless marriage. He should be doing backflips and much more to please you and to show you how grateful he is for being given a second chance.

If he knows how you feel but still not care enough to change then why would you want to stay with him?

You deserve happiness.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 657 | Registered: Feb 2012
boontje
♀ Member
Member # 33247
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, May 21st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess my question is this: Why is he against going to MC? Remind him that R takes two willing partners. Looking at your story, you have been dealing with this since 2002.Something has got to give. You need to draw your line in the sand and tell him what you need in order to stay in this marriage. I'm so sorry, ((hitbyatruck))


Me: BS
Dday: June 2011
Working on R, one day at a time

The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.
― Ernest Hemingway



Posts: 915 | Registered: Aug 2011
hitbyatruck
♀ Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He doesn't think we need MC. We still for the most part function well as a family unit. We show affection such as quick kisses, hold hands and sit close to each other. Daily activities with kids, we still do stuff alone (without kids) as well. But we are more like roommates. Roommates who bicker at night over who isn't doing what and disagreeing on household issues. And then we go to sleep, repeat. We aren't intimate. Not just meaning sex, we aren't sharing personal feelings.
I asked him if he was having doubts about our marriage. He said no and didn't really want to dive into that conversation because he wasn't feeling well.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3276 | Registered: Apr 2009
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 6:01 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently,

This doesn't sound like R.

And you are right you cannot do it alone.

I am well aware how a person can be right next to you or in the same house and he might as well not even be home.

You are right to question this and him. This is no marriage. Of course you should be upset that there is no intimacy.

His on lines games are an escape mechanism. It isn't fair. If he isn't willing to stop, what are you willing to do about it?

You cannot control him. I am sorry hitbyatruck. He is really not trying. I am sorry you are hurting.

Are you in IC? Can you reevaluate what you need to move forward? Are you willing to then start the 180?


Me BS 42
Him WS 44
OW Coworker
DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl


Posts: 1298 | Registered: Jun 2012
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 6:16 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im sorry..but do you have access to those phones? Can you check the call log online?

No sex..not even trying...grumpy...glued to his computer...falls asleep with his phones ON him...won't go to MC...

Honey...is he having an affair? Even if he's not, the way he is treating you is unacceptable. It's emotional abuse. He is deliberately shutting you out of his life.

(((((hitbyatruck)))))


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: R? I don't know..ask me tomorrow..it changes rapidly.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 6627 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is your H having trouble sexually? That could be very hard to admit - but admitting it is the first step to solving it.

Can you talk to him about this?


FBH (me) - 65+, FWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together almost 49 (as of January, 2014)
DDay - 12/2010
Almost Recovered
I share my own experience not because I'm a good model but because it's the only experience I know.

Posts: 8881 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
hitbyatruck
♀ Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His on lines games are an escape mechanism. It isn't fair. If he isn't willing to stop, what are you willing to do about it?

I had to ask and then demand that he stop spending money on the game a long time ago, which he did but lied about it twice before actually spending money. I have all but given up on the him ending the gaming. I am not sure what I will do about it.

Are you in IC? Can you reevaluate what you need to move forward? Are you willing to then start the 180

I am not in IC on a regular basis, I go as needed now. I would do the 180.

Im sorry..but do you have access to those phones? Can you check the call log online?

I can check his iphone but imessage does not show up in the details. The other phone doesn't have a plan but he uses to play the game through the wifi connection...which could also be used for texting/calling apps. SO, YES, I do have access but if he wants to hide something there are a zillion ways to do it.

No sex..not even trying...grumpy...glued to his computer...falls asleep with his phones ON him...won't go to MC...

Honey...is he having an affair? Even if he's not, the way he is treating you is unacceptable. It's emotional abuse. He is deliberately shutting you out of his life.


I have checked all I can check as far as him having an affair. I have no proof but I realize an affair in reasonable explanation for all this.

Is your H having trouble sexually? That could be very hard to admit - but admitting it is the first step to solving it.
Can you talk to him about this?

I know he isn't having trouble 'alone sexually'. I caught downloaded porn on the second phone. I asked him about it and he acted more like a kid getting caught. He didn't delete the porn, I didn't ask him to but I thought he would.

I have asked about the ZERO sex drive. He tells me that he isn't feeling good about himself.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3276 | Registered: Apr 2009
Dare2Trust
♀ Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hitbyatruck,

I'm really so sorry. You've put in a lot of years with various levels of infidelity from your husband. This must be so difficult.


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6084 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 9

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