SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm relatively new here and have been buoyed by the warmth and support here at SI.com. My story is in my profile - I think I worked out how to do that!!

So, the roller coaster I've read about on the road to reconciliation/recovery.... I'm wondering if my complete meltdown over the last 3 days has been just one of those down moments where it has descended after a long climb up and into a dark, underground area?

I'm just over 4 months from D-Day and with a WH who is the most remorseful and broken man determined to do everything in his power to mend us, mend himself and make our relationship better than ever. He's had NC since he confessed, has been totally transparent in all his actions and as loving and caring for me as he possibly can.

Over the weekend we had a wonderful time sorting out boxes from our garage from when we moved house in 2011 and we sorted through a lot of him family things. He became very emotional saying how the stuff from his childhood and from his (deceased) parents made him feel even more of a failure for how things are and his behaviour. Although it sounds very sad it was good for him and good for us both as we bonded even more.

Then on Sunday we had to make decisions about our mortgage and have decided to remortgage to lower our payments. For some reason this really upset me as, for the first time, I said how vulnerable I feel in not having enough of my own money to keep the house should something happen in the future and we split. I've never thought like this before - us going forward together has always been a given but this has sent me into a spiral of misery.

The last two days I've been inconsolable just wondering (to myself and aloud to him) how he could have done this, how he could break us and he's been distraught with trying to help me when I'm doubting whether I can heal.

I do want to heal, I do want us to be together but I'm just so damn scared of trusting him with my heart again. Is this just a dip?

Yes, it's a normal dip. Reality has inserted itself in your life and you are facing possible outcomes you never thought about before.

You can get through this but it takes time. This may be a good time to make preparations financially that will make you feel safe. Some people do a post-nuptual agreement. Some put money in the bs's name only. It's your choice but I think feeling safe in that area is important for R. The safety of your m and your future was threatened, it's only natural to feel this way.

[This message edited by hardtimesinlife at 7:19 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

Yes, this is the roller coaster! Your husband sounds a lot like mine. Of course his remorse helps me, but it's not enough to heal me. I still have to wade through all these awful feelings and face all the hard questions.

Because my husband is completely committed to R, the process may be smoother, but it's still a really long haul. Keep voicing your doubts to your WH! Mine burst out in unhelpful ways if I try to suppress them. If it makes him anxious that you will leave, he should communicate his feelings. But this is part of the consequence of his actions, and he needs to ride it out with you and not rush you or blame you for his insecurity.

You sound very strong, caring and healthy. I'm your marriage can make it if it's first in your heart and your husband's!

UKLady

--very gently --

Could your apprehension come from the first paragraph in your profile?

That your fear comes from him cheating on his then wife with you?

So you already know he is capable of cheating?

hardtimesinlife - yes that reality thing really sucks doesn't it? Perhaps that is it. We've had some totally amazing fun times since D-Day and have bonded and become stronger than ever so I'm confused as to why I'm feeling the way I am right now. He's trying everything he can to make me feel better and, at times, I feel mean in the way I respond - closely followed with 'wtf should I feel mean when he caused this?'

sailorgirl - yes we are hopeful about recovery. Both determined but I'm having a few days of doubting the future - it was never an uncertainty before but now, I believe, it is.

Can Not Believe - yes I think that has a very large bearing on my feelings. We were on an equal footing and said over and over again that we would never cheat on each other as we knew what evil, terrible pain it caused. I have stuck to our agreement - to our wedding vows - but he broke them and yes, there is an element of me thinking, well if he's been able to do it to me once why not again....

Hi UKlady- I feel like you do. I've never cheated on anyone but I had got back with an ex when I'd made friends with my wife- I wanted to be with my now wife but didn't do anything about it until I broke up with then gf.

My Mrs on the other hand- she got about a bit and everyone told me she'd cheat on me, not gf material, not wife material... I trusted, I've gotten hurt BUT I want to trust again because I want her.

Stick with it, I am. Chin up mate

[This message edited by idiot85 at 6:55 AM, May 23rd (Thursday)]

UKlady,

Very gently, I did not realize this is not your H's first time cheating. I would not have been as positive, because his history means something is even more wrong with him. He really needs counseling to find out why he can not seem to be faithful to a wife. He clearly did not change his mindset after the first time.