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Newest Member: jdubb80 (44703)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Communication Help
Bellecatprincess
♀ Member
Member # 38902
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted yesterday that our MC Pastor told us that he doesn't think that we should be in R. This made my WH panic and he suggested a road trip for the two of us and after the wonderful advice of everyone here on SI. I have agreed to go.

HELP ME!!!

Can you give me some advice on how to communicate better. We are in MC & both in IC but I need something to try this weekend.

We both need to be right. We both over talk one another. We both get frustrated and upset immediately. How do you take the first step to breaking those bad habits? Are there steps, techniques? LOL a step by step guide might be what we need.


D-Day #1 3/21/2013
D-Day #2 5/24/2013
Me BS 38
Him 37
OW 30 (8 months w/the SL*T) found out 5/24/13 more like 15 months
M 17 yrs (5/27/2000)
Together 20 years
2 sons(18,17)
D will be final 6/21/2013 nothing left to save

Posts: 58 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Colorado
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A great book on communication is "The Marriage you have always dreamed of" by Dr Greg Smalley. There are exercises in each chapter. It was very eye opening for us.

Another eye opening book was "5 love languages". It focuses on how to communicate love to each other that can be received.

Communication is the key to everything!!!


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2560 | Registered: Aug 2012
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When your H says something to you, stop. Listen. And repeat back to him what you think he said. This will help you to learn to listen to what he is really saying instead of formulating a response to what he is saying. And if you mis interpreted what he said, he can let you know.

He needs to do the same with you.

This will slow down your communication and teach you guys to really listen to what is being said.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4754 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
jost1125
♀ Member
Member # 38710
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Exactly what tired girl said, and when you speak, he should do the same. I explained this "active listening" technique to my WBF before we started a conversation. We did it and it worked pretty well. If you are like us, you may find that a lot of the times the arguments and raised voices come from misunderstanding what the other just said. By listening and then rephrasing, you can clarify anything that was misunderstood.

Also, use "I" statements. Such as I feel _______ when you_________. Instead of well, you always ________. When you start by saying that you feel something, it sounds less like you are blaming your H and he will be less likely to get defensive. This has also seemed to work for us.

Good luck and have a great weekend!


Me (BGF) 35yr
Him (WBF) 32yr
Children: 14yr (mine)
Dday #1 (admitted to EA) Sept. 29, 2012
Dday #2 (admitted is was PA) Oct. 1, 2012

Posts: 120 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Midwest
GraceisGood
♀ Member
Member # 17686
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What Tiredgirl said !! seriously!!

It seems so easy, and it can be but does take practice. Don't let the tediousness of repeating etc. get to you, it is amazing sometimes how one sentence has to be gone over countless times before what they were trying to communicate is fully understood or vice versa.

Grace


We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3434 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great advice from tiredgirl. Also, taking the 5lovelanguages quiz online is so very interesting and you can both go thru a chapter/book each day on your getaway. Not only do you want to communicate more effectively, you will also want to speak to each other in the language your loved one "hears" or responds too

Happy trails!


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2228 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In Imago Relationship Therapy, Dr. Hendrix says there are three steps couples can practice to help them communicate effectively and heal both past and present wounds:

Mirroring: First, couples learn how to listen and mirror back exactly what they hear rather than an interpretation or reaction to what they've heard. They should use expressions such as "I have something to say..." and "Let me see if I've got that..."
Validating: Once both partners have clearly spoken and been listened to, they can then validate each other without necessarily agreeing. They should use statements such as "That makes sense because..."
Empathizing: At this point in the process, both partners can identify with the other partner's expressed thought process and feelings, Dr. Hendrix says. To convey this new-found understanding, he says they should use language to the effect of "I can imagine what you're feeling..."

ETA: From your recent post:

we have not had sex since May 27th of last year.
Discuss sexual expectations before leaving on your trip; if one of you is expecting sex and the other is not, it's gonna add resentment to the weekend.

[This message edited by ladies_first at 7:16 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Topic Posts: 7

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