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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: He is out mass dating while I go to therapy to cry my eyes out
Exit Wounds
♀ Member
Member # 32811
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How can you have a 4-year relationship when a milestone in your timeline is that your ex left in 2011.

Good question Cat!
Here is the breakdown...

I was married 17 years. The last few years of it he cheated on me. I was completely oblivious to it. I thought we had a great marriage. Found out that he is not only cheating on me but has his gf pregnant!
I gave him multiple chances and believed in our marriage. He lied and I trusted...

Long story short.

We divorced BUT because we had young children together *I* agreed to let him stay in the house but we were done. Our agreement was roommates until kids go to college. He could date freely but no women in the house etc. We kept it from the kids. They literally had no idea. We were nice to each other and it took a lot of discipline NOT to allow my raw emotions show in front of my kids.

I was totally devastated and didn't date for a long time. He was out and about. His pregnant gf ended up having an abortion. He moved on to others.

I eventually dated. I was upfront about my living arrangements and let me assure you my ex and I did not sleep in the same room nor would I EVER entertain the idea of letting him touch me ever again!
We worked through our rough times and ended up good friends, and roommates. When kids started asking about WHY he and I don't share a bedroom, I simply said that "daddy likes to watch TV and mommy likes to read in bed."

Now keep in mind that he was an absent father from the get go. So he not spending much time with the family was totally normal to the kids.
Our agreement was that we split the bills and we can date but the home front does not get compromised. -Ever!
Like I said, eventually I dated. I dated this guy (for the next 4 years). By then I was long divorced. I never introduced my kids to him, he stayed in the background. He knows my situation and we met when we could.

My exh and my agreement was that IF there ever comes a time where living together was unbearable or one of us found "the one" and wanted to move on with their lives, we would give a 2-3 months advanced notice to the other one. Explain to our kids that we love them but choose to live separately. Then do our best to move on with our own lives but helping the other one to find suitable housing. (I already knew that I was not going to leave my ex b/c I felt that the kids needed a dad in the house more than I needed to leave.

All went well and after dating my now ex-bf for two years, on Father's day 2011, ex h just left. He said he is done, and he never even said "good bye" to his DD. He took all the money out of our account (we had a joint account for bills, rent, etc) and he literally walked out. I was at work when he left. He took what he wanted out of the house and never came back.
I begged him to help me move, give me enough money to put down on an apt, help me find movers, help the kids through this tough period, but all he did is laugh and say:He said found this great girl. She lives in a huge house and she has two boys that he will help raise. He had it all figured out. Left me penny less and left his kids on Father's day. I was left with two kids (9 and 11) to pack up and move. We went from a three bedroom house to a two bedroom apt. It was hell. He had taken all our money and just walked out.

Only after my ex-h walked out, did I introduce my now ex-bf to my kids. I told them he was a friend of the family. He helped us pack and move most of our stuff. He helped tremendously. I don't know how I could have done it without him. My kids knew him then as "mommy's BFF" and that is how I SLOWLY introduced him to my kids. I truly don't know how I would have made this instant move (I had three days) to move. My landlord was pissed. I explained that without my ex-h's income I was not able to pay next month's rent. I guess once he found out that my ex just up and walked out he understood somewhat...

My kids only saw their father two more times after he left. He has been out of their lives for nearly 2 years now. He never calls no gifts for birthdays or Christmas, he is just gone.
My kids hung on to my ex-bf almost as a substitute for their father. It broke my heart. (No 2x4's please).
My ex-bf and I became close, real close after my ex-h left. Like I said before, my ex-bf knew in detail about my living situation with my ex-h and KNEW I was not looking for a "future" for myself until after my kids went to college and he was OK with it.

But once my ex-h up and walked out, ex-bf and I became close. Close to the point where he started talking marriage. My kids both loved him. My daughter to this day misses my ex-bf more than her own dad. I believed this man (after all we were together for 4 years). I helped him when he had cancer surgery; I was there for him and he for me. I had heart surgery and he was by my side. We were not just some "teenager's in love." We went through hell and back. But I guess eventually he became a flake. All those empty promises. Those lies of sharing a life together. Being there for each other when we grow old. Having someone by your side...but I guess he didn't want to "share" anything else. So he offered to continue dating without a long term marriage plans. I said NO and kicked him to the curb. He is over 50 (I am 43) and he wants to play house on his terms. I am not going to entertain another liar! He can go play house with someone else!
Well, the rest is written above...

[This message edited by Exit Wounds at 8:54 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2486 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I needed to read this entire thread....BAD today. I've been feeling 100% the same way lately....and have felt isolated and in a rut lately. I love my baby girl with all my heart but I do miss being in a relationship..... its been a year as of last week since I broke things off with her father.... and he was all of the horrible things you all are talking about; abusive (emotionally), alcoholic, lying, manipulative, etc. I knew he was bad for me and I FINALLY got the courage to end things for good while I was pregnant. It was a very hard decision to make and stick with as we were "on again off again" for our entire year and a half relationship! But, he was my rebound guy from my 8 year relationship with XWH.

I have just been feeling so lonely....and wondering if I will be alone forever. I know he is out serial dating and I have only been on one date (which just no real connection was made so no harm no foul). I just feel sad and get depressed because I struggle with bills constantly right now and he is living it up. I'm raising our child alone and on my own and he doesn't care enough to even ask about her. (which is fine.....because he is toxic). But, it still stings a little. I just wish these feelings would subside.....sooner rather than later..... but it does help that I'm in IC.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2722 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know how hard it is to watch while they swagger around like life is just a bowl of fucking cherries all day, every day. It sucks and it hurts. And when they hurt the kids by taking their love away, it hurts twice as much. I get it. I do. It's happened to me and some days I still can't believe this is how things turned out.

But, this is my reality. I raise my kids on my own. Ex douche face lives with that horrible OW. My kids think she's an asshole and have trouble believing that their father left us for her. There is hurt all the way around.

On the flip side, we are coming through it. I still go to IC more than two years later. We make our own memories and even though sometimes I get sad because this is not how I saw my future, I have learned to snap myself back to reality and enjoy the things I do have rather than being pissed off at what he took away.

EW, you have to let yourself work through this and heal. The right way. It's like you are coming toward this reality kicking and screaming. You so badly don't want it to be so. But here it is. You have to find a way to accept it and heal from it.

He's a dirty, filthy liar. No doubt about that. And, he's no one that a strong, smart, healthy woman would want so who cares about the skanks he finds? He's broken and not good enough for you.

Stop trying to either will him back, worry about his thoughts, or replace him. What's wrong with forming a whole new relationship with yourself? You were married for 17 years and then dated this guy for 4. It seems to me that you've never really been alone and never really had the chance to find your own adult voice and your own hopes and dreams, completely detached from anyone else's.

I kicked and screamed too. Believe me. But, i am finding mow that it's pretty cool to be on my own. I have a great circle of people around me - my good friends, my family and my kids. The more detached I get from the ex and his whole mess, the more I wonder if I want anyone else invading my space right now and throwing my game off balance. I wonder if I want to answer to someone or put restraints on my time for someone else. I dont know the answers to these questions yet, but i do know this - I wouldn't do it for just anyone. My world is better now. It will never be the same as it was and sometimes that's hard. But, at the same time, it's mine. And after all this time, reading on SI, IC and healing, I am starting to see that I am very special and it will take someone else who is very special to ever get me to agree to let him in. I'm not saying I don't want another relationship at some point. We are all human and good, healthy, satisfying relationships are important. But, I'm saying that I won't ever settle again.

You settled the last two times. Don't do that again just to mask the pain or replace what you thought you had. Give yourself a chance to fly now. With time, I bet you'll like it.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2810 | Registered: Jan 2011
Topic Posts: 43
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