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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: New message from Stbx-- do I respond to this?
tryingagain74
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's the latest. I can't believe that he actually told me instead of letting the kids tell me:

"I wanted to let you know that OW and I recently got engaged. We are planning on getting married the first weekend in July, which is a weekend I have the kids. I am planning on dropping the kids off at the usual time on Sunday, July 7th, around 5 PM, but it may be a little later, like 5:30. If for some reason we are later than 5:30, I will call you."

I knew this was coming, so it certainly wasn't a shock. However, now that he's made the news of their relationship "official," I'm torn. Do I stay crickets about this? He also wrote about our use of sick leave time lately (the kids have been passing around a stomach virus), so I do need to write back to him in order to respond to that, but do I say anything about the engagement/marriage announcement? If I said anything, it would be this:

I just want to reinforce to you that I want no contact with OW. Your relationship is with her, and although I can't control the time she spends with the kids, I can control my interactions with her. She is not to approach me or attempt to initiate any sort of relationship with me. She is not to contact me in any way (email, text, letter, verbally, phone call). Any and all interactions that are necessary regarding kids or finances will remain between you and me.

Do I bother? Is that falling on deaf ears or stirring up a hornet's nest? I just want to be VERY clear about what will be my complete LACK of relationship with the OW. STBX and I have been communicating about and taking care of the kids for the past year without needing help or interference from her, and although I've tolerated a lot over the past 18 months, I am NOT going to play "happy blended family" with her. Thoughts?


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3537 | Registered: Oct 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't reply. However, do schedule lots of counseling sessions in advance for your kids this summer. (((HUGS))) And yourself, too.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9234 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
tabitha95
♀ Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Until the OW starts butting in where she doesn't belong, I would stay quiet on that front.

Editing to include....being the OW, she's already butted in where she didn't belong. But I would wait for specific's, not trying to pre-empt behaviour that hasn't happened.

[This message edited by tabitha95 at 12:34 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3247 | Registered: Dec 2008
Linus1968
♂ Member
Member # 31243
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you are questioning if you should do it or not, then it is probably not the right thing to do.
That being said, Don't. There is no need. The less drama, the better for you and your family. Talk the essentials (kids and money), but that is it.
(((tryingagain74)))

You're an interesting species, an interesting mix. You're capable of such beautiful dreams and such horrible nightmares. You feel so lost, so cut off, so alone, only you're not. See, in all our searching, the only thing we've found that makes the emptiness bearable is each other. - Contact


Me: Me
Her: Multiple men, multiple times, OC with the latest one
S: 15, D:14
May 27, 2014 DIVORCED!!!
In the words of Dory "Whew, I'm glad I got that off my chest."

Posts: 236 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Hell, and my X is the mayor (FL)
tryingagain74
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, everyone. I sent him a response that talked about the sick leave time but nothing else. I didn't acknowledge his plans in any way, shape, or form.

N_G, thanks for the suggestion. Counseling this summer for all of us is a good idea. I'm quite sure that I'm going to need some coping strategies, and my kids will no longer benefit from their in-school support groups while on break.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3537 | Registered: Oct 2011
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Will the ink be dry on the D by then?


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24372 | Registered: Aug 2011
momentintime
♀ Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also if your kiddos had an accident, you would want to hear right away, and she might be the only person who could call you. Don't burn your bridges over this. You have time to see how this shakes out. Remember choose your battles.


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2896 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
tryingagain74
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NIK, I haven't yet received the divorce papers in the mail yet, so honestly, I don't know!

How do you get engaged to a person who isn't even D yet? Their whole relationship is based on a sea of red flags...


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3537 | Registered: Oct 2011
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry. I know you knew this was coming, but it's one of those things that's near impossible to prepare for. It's one thing to have to endure the pain of the A and their behavior and decisions thereafter, but it's quite another to now have the worst nightmare come true - that the OW is sticking around for a while and that you will have to hear all about her from the kids. It does tend to mess up the co parenting dynamic. Just when you get used to dealing with him in a business like manner, she pops up. The whole thing sucks out loud.

I know this isn't what your post was about, but I just want you to know that it's ok to hurt over this new batch of crap he's handing you and that IC is a very good idea to learn to cope with it. It's helped me tremendously.

The way I cope is to stay strictly NC with him unless it's about the kids. Just like you did today.

Her? She means nothing to me. I'm lucky that I don't have to be around her much, but if she ever creeped around my territory, I would act like she's invisible. That's how she treated me and my marriage and family so she shouldn't expect anything more.

As far as telling him you want nothing to do with her, i wouldnt bother. Dont ever tip your hand with these types of people. If you start something right off the bat, they will eat it up and allow it to confirm his opinion that he did the right thing. They lap up the prospect of jealousy and pain like it's chum in the water.

You are a class act all the way. If this OW is stupid enough to glance your way or try to chit chat, you'll handle it and you will handle it with dignity and grace. Don't ever let them see you sweat.

Bottom line - fuck them. They don't know it yet, but their fairy tale land is sprinkled with shit, not glitter. Just you wait.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2693 | Registered: Jan 2011
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His announcement didn't ask a question so don't answer.

If he ever asks you to talk with OW... you can decline then.

My Xh's OW/NW is like a piece of furniture to me. I just go around her like you would a chair. For a lot of years it bothered her..I don't have to coparent with her. I have to co-parent with him. He may have to coparent with her... but I don't.

Hugs, it isn't easy. But you do find strength you didn't know you had.

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4819 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
realitybites
♀ Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Response would be "Thank you for letting me know you will be dropping the kids off at 5:00-5:30."

But I would wonder are the kids going to be part of a wedding that weekend and won't know? If he has them that weekend are they all going to be in the wedding?

These WS are so stupid.


Posts: 5606 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But I would wonder are the kids going to be part of a wedding that weekend and won't know? If he has them that weekend are they all going to be in the wedding?

That's what occurs to me, too. That he's going to have his kids in his wedding. Honestly? I'd bring this up with the kids while with the counselor and get some professional guidance on this. Most kids would experience significant psychological trauma from having this sprung on them with no warning. Since you DO know in advance that this is going to be happening, you need to provide your kids with an outlet to talk about it. Further, this perhaps will give them an opportunity to tell you any other things which they've been holding back from you (the old "don't tell Mom" trick).


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9234 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
stronggirl72
♀ Member
Member # 37293
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great job on the NC!! I know how difficult it is to not ream my STBX from time to time, but I always feel better if I let that urge pass.

I recently received a call from 'her' because STBX had the flu and couldn't do it (from what I was told). I didn't answer the phone, but she actually gave me the option to come and get the kids, or have her keep them for the remainder of the weekend. I decided to pick them up early. I even arranged for them to wait outside for me so I thankfully wouldn't have to interact with her. I was a bundle of nerves the whole time I was talking with her, but I did it! Have you thought of the contingency plan for something like this in the future? It totally, totally stinks that we even have to think about crap like this.


"Taking the high road, and doing it with class."

DIVORCED!!


Posts: 154 | Registered: Oct 2012
tryingagain74
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would act like she's invisible. That's how she treated me and my marriage and family so she shouldn't expect anything more.

STBM, I love that. I might even use that line if I have to.

As for the wedding (which I previously dubbed the "mudpit" wedding since he talked about getting married in the muddy yard of the marital home), the kids have had it shoved down their throats for months, so this won't be a surprise. They've been told since late February that OW might become their stepmother. They were then told that their dad was buying her a ring. He showed DD (age 4?!) the ring AND a dress he had bought for DD to wear in their wedding. I know it's not like the real thing, but he's been grooming them for this event for over three months now. I'm sure he'll be ramping up the propaganda until the blessed event; this weekend will, I'm sure, be filled with OW waving her ring around, crowing about how happy she will be as their stepmommy.

I told them today, though. I wanted to prepare them. STBX didn't tell me that he wanted to share the news himself, so I broke it to them-- I said, "Dad said that he and Mrs. X are now engaged, and they're getting married in July." DS #2 is too sick to care right now, and DD is really not of an age where she really gets it. She only cares that she gets to wear her "fancy dress." DS #1 told me that he doesn't know how he feels about it. I told him that we were going to get some counseling this summer so that he'd still have a place to talk about his feelings like he does in his school support group. He seemed to think that was a good idea.

What a douche he is. He has few friends and no family that is local, so he has to employ his children (and the OW's, who are the biggest victims in this whole mess) to be his wedding party. Does he think that having the children there somehow validates his crap choices? A smart man would quietly elope, not rub it in his kids' faces so soon after he's split from their mother.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3537 | Registered: Oct 2011
tesla
♀ Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I cannot believe that this stupid fuck of a man is getting married!

Isn't this supposedly happening in the front yard of the house? Can you just see all the kids beaming, happy faces in the pictures?

Idiots. Fucking idiots.

Nope, no response to stupidity needed.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4534 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
damncutekitty
♀ Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But I would wonder are the kids going to be part of a wedding that weekend and won't know? If he has them that weekend are they all going to be in the wedding?

I would hesitate to ask this. God forbid the ass usees that as an excuse to ask you to help him out by taking the kids shopping for wedding outfits.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49444 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
Vulcanized
♀ Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A smart man would quietly elope, not rub it in his kids' faces so soon after he's split from their mother.

^^^^^^^^^ This.

Ugh. FTG.

They don't know it yet, but their fairy tale land is sprinkled with shit, not glitter. Just you wait.

^^^^^^ Also, this. You get to quietly sit back, smiling and waiting. You know what's coming.


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 725 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
Topic Posts: 17

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