I work on myself daily. I know many of us are. I see changes. I'd like to believe that I've let go of the outcome. Of course that's easier said then done and I'm the first to admit that I'm very sensitive to this. Am I influenced by the stories? I don't know. It doesn't change my path. Does it influence my day? I think it does. Positive stories are uplifting. Negative stories not so much.
So here's my question: has anyone taken a break from SI in order to help themselves? I feel like if I try this that I wouldn't be giving 100% to supporting my BS or myself. Thoughts?
Both had DDays and TT
Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.
Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.
You can continue to read books, and see your IC, and work on yourself outside of SI, and that is giving 100% to your wife.
Just my thoughts. Best to you.
Status - Divorcing
I could really go for a positive R story, NH123, if you have any to share.
Want another positive story? I had 4 EAs, capped off with emotional and financial abuse. No prize, let me tell ya. Dday was November 4, 2011. As of today May 22, 2013, my husband and I are healing. He actually considers us R'd. Has for several months.
I still have kinks to work out. Takes longer than a year or two to straighten out a lifetime of crap. We communicate, we are loving, we both work on this marriage daily. When people cross our boundaries, we put a block wall around us. When we feel something is "off", we talk to one another. Our home is thriving, our children are happy, our love has grown stronger and matured.
Doesn't mean bad days don't come. We simply handle them better and in a more healthy way. R doesn't mean daisies and sunshine forever. That's unrealistic. Bad days are going to happen. People are going to test our boundaries. R means working together, as a team, communicating, and facing the up and down times as a united front.
If you need a break, you need a break. SI isn't the cure-all. (As much as I love this place) Sometimes you need time and distance to focus on healing. SI can be distracting to that because you are reading other people's traumas and heartache. Need a break? Take one. SI will be here when you come back.
"We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them."
@20Wrongs - I don't know that I have anything positive to report. We do gave good days but that is my interpretation. She is very hurt. Many describe it as soul crushing and it is. I keep telling myself to work on myself and I do. We had a good day but a bad night. To be expected I know.
I wouldn't say reading here keeps me in the affair. It does keep it front and center. Is that a bad thing? I've done a lot of reading and I'm currently reading The Power of Now which really helps me think about what's important.
I think a break might do some good. We'll see.
The real danger for us is that it's real easy for us to place the weight of other's deceptions on ourselves because we've had similar actions. So every time you read a story about someone else to TT'd, or who advanced from EA to PA, you start apply their actions to your own guilt. When this happens, you get crushed under the weight of the collective SI wrongs committed by WS's.
If that's where you're at, you can do a few things. One is certainly to step away. Another is to set personal limits on what content you will read. Only in the Wayward Forum. Only with stop signs. Only threads you started yourself. There's plenty of ways to go at it.
I've been away as an active participant here for literally years. We've done a ton of healing and I can tell you that R is real and can be wonderful. But that doesn't mean that I don't check in here periodically to make sure I have an accurate lens. It still serves as a solid place to make sure I'm assessing myself honestly, and making sure the real reasons for my actions are dealt with.
I've taken it as pick up what you can, or as much as you can take, then process that information. Rome wasn't built in a day and no marriage can be fixed or ended in a day.
Careful consideration must be given to all options and from all angles to make the most informed decision. That requires "you" time. No one can decide that for you.
Hang in there.
[This message edited by HeartInADustpan at 5:56 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]
Focus on you and your story that you are making right now.
Listening - I agree about self-awareness and that is exactly where I am today. I've made a lot of progress on this front and maybe because of that I feel that it is time to step back and focus more on myself and what I've learned.