I can only imagine the pain you are feeling right now and it breaks my heart for you. Unfortuntely you can not R with a WS that is still in the fantasy love fog. Until he snaps out of it and can recognize the difference between the two kinds of love, R will not happen.
My WH#2 had a 2yr LTA with an old GF of his before we met. He even gave her an engagement ring and had her living in my home when I was working out of state during the week. She was single and was in love with WH#2 and started to get crazy when he wouldn't ask me for a divorce. Luckily I never heard him say he loved her, although I read it in a text. He took the affair underground for almost another year after DDay#1. He wasn't ready to give her or the affair up until she showed him what she really was and he realized what he was giving up if it continued. I told him I would not be an option anymore. If he wanted her, go be with her, but stop hurting me in the process.
No matter how much you love your WH, you can not fix him at this point. He is also not going to be really available to help you heal right now. I do agree with some other posters that say parts of the 180 are not always good for the marriage in some instances. I think with your WH's situation that his affair was based on mutual grief and comforting of that grief that he would not respond well at this point to being shut off from you and his family. He needs to know that you are the ones that are there for him, not this fantasy that he built in his mind of his luvvvv for OW. BTDT
With that said, you must also protect yourself and your children. I did hire an attorney and had D papers drawn up. They are still waiting at my attorney's office to be served if and when I choose to do that. He knows that he is on very thin ice with me. He also knows that I love him and do not want a divorce, but I am also not someone's second choice and neither are you and your children. He needs this made plain to him now. I wished I would have known about SI on DDay#1, then I probably wouldn't have had the other DDays.
It is still very raw for you. Give yourself some time to grieve. Do not make any rash decisions at this point. Keep posting and reading. We will be there for you. (((HUGS)))