Sorry if I'm misunderstanding something, but, it seemed as if this feeling of not being enough and fear of being abandoned pre-dated your h's discovery of his feelings about all this. Is there any chance this is an internal issue that you're dealing with maybe? Maybe something existing which was aggravated by his lashing out? Something to think about anyway. I was shocked @ how much rage I had toward my foo and it came out in response to my h's affair. It took months of ic for me to even know for sure whether I was angry with h or my (long dead) mother in certain instances.
As far as what he actually said, I know I said most of that to my wh during the earlier days, and then some probably. It's all pretty normal bs stuff I think, not dismissing the pain it caused (causes) you, just saying it's pretty common talk I think. I asked for divorce AND moved out as a matter of fact and somehow-we're still here and trying.
Wishing you both the best.
Eta: there's also the concept of the bs rewriting marital history in their own way. Maybe there's a component of that going on when he says he wishes he left? You'd have thought I was married to satan himself for afew months there (with hooves and a pointy tail and goatee and breathing fire and sexual perversions and kitten torture) and I'm definately not. Just seemed like that to me at the time. Could his talk of wishing what he does fall into that category? Maybe in a few more months and with a little more time to heal your h will view that differently? Possible anyway, though I have no advice on broaching that topic with him (or whether you should just hope that's the case and give it a little time). Hopefully wiser members will be along shortly.
[This message edited by thisissogross at 10:25 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]
i edit frequently because i have to
Are there anything you can think of that you have done to make your H feel safe in the M ? And vice versa ?
My IC tell me often how I need to be comfortable taking a few risks. It sounds like you are getting the same counsel.
No fixes to offer you, but maybe something to focus on right now.
DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.
We all have probably said that to our WS. I know that I did. It is because we are so confused and hurt. We are in so much pain from our WS's betrayal, that we state at times that we just want to be removed from our WS. Sometimes, I said similar stuff as a way of lashing out when I was raging from a particular trigger. Sometimes I said stuff in order to protect myself from being hurt by my WH again.
And, I hate to admit it-but, I also was jealous at one point of the carefree life he got to live with his AP while I was a stay-at-home mom. I was bitter and full of resentment for everything he put me through.
We all would love to have that new relationship feeling through our entire M. That just is not reality. The BS accepts that and lives a good M. The WS did not and betrayed us. After that betrayal, we may feel like we have a right to do what they did too. Like you gave us a free pass to wonder and wander. But, we don't. (Unless they become a Madhatter) We stay committed, because that is who we are. That is who your BH is.
It sounds like YOU have the same issues of self-doubt that you had before.
As far as being the "one". I guarantee that he is asking if he is your "one" after you had an A on him still. I know that I do that everyday. Your actions showed him otherwise. His actions of staying with you after the A, show that you are still his "one".
Keep working. He wouldn't still be there after all you put him through if he didn't feel you were worth it.
I can hold my head up high and look at myself in the mirror with dignity.
[This message edited by YoungMistakes83 at 3:51 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)]
So sorry for you. I am only in month 8. I can't relate to what he would be thinking so long after the A. I hope I don't feel like that about my fWH later. He may still be hurt, but doesn't want to tell you. Or maybe he just can't let it go and he really does want out.
Either way, I would be concerned about the amount of time he is spending on the computer. EA? He has withdrawn from you over the last year, since that class. I wonder if he is the one that had that affair.
I can understand not wanting to be with someone that doesn't want you 100%.