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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Advice needed quickly
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NPd-x has been working overtime the last few years to alienate my DD18. I have recently posted some of the details of how she has behaved toward me and her behavior is disrespectful, self-absorbed, lacking any type of loyalty toward me and cruel.

Her graduation announcement came out today in our local small town paper. She was born in this town.

Her announcement says:

I would like to thank my dad and GF, my sister, and my mom

This GF just moved into her dad's house 6 months ago. DD18 had only been around her a few times before that.

A few people at work asked me about it and gave me hugs, with pity in their eyes.

I am eviscerated. This is the worst in a long line of blows. I feel so humiliated that all my friends and associates read this. I feel ashamed and embarrassed and full of grief.

Problem is, tonight is the senior awards night. DD18 intentionally chose to not tell me the time for her prom pictures a few weeks ago claiming I did not like to be around GF (I never met the lady, not OW) and then asked me to pay half of her grad party Npd-x and GF are throwing. I said , "I am not good enough to be in a backyard with GF yet now I am supposed to pay a bucket load of money to sit an dcht chat with them??"

Anyway, DD18 is getting a few awards. But I DO NOT want to go. I have had enough. I am heart-broken and don't know what to say to everyone that will be there. She has cut me out of her entire senior year and I really do not know what has happened in her life.

Please 2X4 me if I am in need.

I am sad.

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 6:45 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2605 | Registered: Jan 2010
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your DD will only graduate from HS once; she will only get these awards once. You raised her for 17 years until the X dug into her (and perhaps picked up on latent NPD tendancies in her, but that's neither here nor there.)

IMO, you should go, hold your head up high, clap when she gets her awards, then go out and treat yourself to a piece of pie or a margarita--whatever works.

You deserve this as much as she does. Look at it as fake it till you make it and big, big hugs (((((Chrys)))))


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 19763 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My initial knee jerk response is that you may never get this opportunity again. Worst case, you go, you paste a smile on your case, say hello to a few people, politely congratulate your DD, tell her you love her and are proud of her accomplishments, and you are done.

Does it suck and is it unfair? Absolutely. But she is young and dumb and you need the memory of you there for the future, even if you have to basically suck it up for the night.

That is just my knee jerk reaction, I certainly respect whatever you decide, but it would be a step in the right direction. She's not mature enough to have any concept of how to do this herself.

((Hugs))


Me: BW-43
Him: XWH-43
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4363 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am thinking of going. Snapping a picture of her getting her award, sending to her with a "I'm so proud of you " message.

I cannot face her or them without crying, and they will only use that against me.


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2605 | Registered: Jan 2010
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Chrysalis))))

I am thinking of going. Snapping a picture of her getting her award, sending to her with a "I'm so proud of you " message.
That sounds like a great approach.


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24350 | Registered: Aug 2011
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like your plan.

Even when you are sidelined by the NPD, you still have every right to be there. GO!

Be proud, you have every right to be. You raised her, he manipulates her.

One day she will see his true colors... that day is coming and she will need you to help her make sense of the nonsense.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4817 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
kernel
♀ Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like your plan. Hopefully, in the near future, she will see him for what he is. Don't let him take this from you. 18 year olds are still sooooo very young and they don't always make wise choices. Unfortunately, this is another one of those deals where you need to be the bigger person. Hugs to you.


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4907 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
scotslass
♀ Member
Member # 39204
Default  Posted: 12:20 AM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Chrysalis)))


I'm so sorry your going through this. I too have an 18 year old son graduating in 2 weeks and I am going through something similar.

I am going to his Graduation ceremony, getting my picture taken with him and then going out to dinner with my best friend, who is attending with me.

Just wanted to send you hugs.


3 wonderful children (sometimes!!)
18 ds
16 dd
14 ds
Me. - moving on and upward !!!

Posts: 102 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Texas
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 2:06 AM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How did it go tonight, Chrysalis?


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7778 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
wannabenormal
♀ Member
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 2:08 AM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope you went and got your picture.

I know it's so hard, but regardless of company, this only happens once.

I hope you had a good night, Chrys. HUGS!!!



Posts: 14310 | Registered: Jun 2008
hemademesingle
♀ Member
Member # 21281
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that is the perfect plan,

Someday she will grow up, maybe even apologize for her behavior, she is young and immature, and we all know how others influence them, anybodies opinion is better than mom's, to a teenager

Don't give these people the power over you, by not attending an important day in not only your daughters life but also in yours, you worked hard as a mom to get her where she is now

Make sure that you are done up to the nine's, hair, make up, rocking outfit, a smile from ear to ear, look threw them not at them, just like they don't exist


Posts: 371 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Canada
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Chrysalis123))


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5382 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
gahurts
♂ Member
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope it went well for you Chrysalis. I know exactly how you feel. My step-son runs hot and cold with me often being very nice when he is getting what he wants but then when he steps out of line becoming down-right disrespectful and cruel. But I am basically the only real father he has had since he was 3. His bio dad only showed up two or 3 times even though he lived 20 minutes away.

I am planning on being at the graduation tonight. As Sad pointed out, this happens once. Once it's over then we can never get it back. I just hope that as they grow up further that maturity will take over and we can develop the relationship that we deserve with each other.

(((Chrysalis)))


"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie


Posts: 3311 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went and sat in the back of the auditorium. I took pictures of her when she received her award and texted them to her.

The I went home. She thanked me by text for the photos.

Next hurdle graduation, and I am planning to do the same thing. I will ask her to contact me if she wants a picture with me. I figure she won't reply.

I feel really down about this, but life goes on. Thanks for all your support.


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2605 | Registered: Jan 2010
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((hugs))))))


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24350 | Registered: Aug 2011
SeanFLA
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow that's hard. But you did the right thing. I think kids go through that phase when they are her age and think they know everything in the world, then eventually they come around. May take a number of years. Just remember that there will be more things...more graduations possibly, weddings, grand children births, etc you will want to be a part of. One thing I have learned throughout all this is that we have to suck it up as parents. It's what we must do now. This is our new normal. No it will never be the same. It will probably never be comfortable. But know by doing it you are scoring brownie points with someone. And someday it will pay back.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1456 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((Chrysalis)))))))

Graduation will be interesting in FL too.

Like you said.

Life goes on.

It does.

More Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4817 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will ask her to contact me if she wants a picture with me.
I think reaching out to her at her graduation is a really great idea. You make the offer and she responds or she doesn't, but you tried. ((Hugs))


Me: BW-43
Him: XWH-43
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4363 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Helen of Troy
♀ Member
Member # 26419
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is difficult for you.

Go to these events anyway. First for your DD. Second is because if you don't that gives alienators more "proof"
that you don't care. DD is behaving in a cruel way, go anyway. This is one step in combatting alienation, even if very tough for you. Buy yourself a reward when it is done.
Yes take pix! first for DD and second to be consistent that you do care, one day when she is deprogrammed from the crap she will realize how much you love her.


Posts: 4677 | Registered: Dec 2009
nolight
♀ Member
Member # 32785
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh how horrible. I think that you should still go, fake it till you make it is right. What she will see is that despite her actions her mother is still there loving and supporting her which I think will speak volumes. If not now then a few years down the track, not going may cause further long term damage to your relationship.

Make sure you schedule something that you've been wanting to do for yourself in the near future too though as a way of compensating and looking after yourself


Posts: 462 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Hawaii
Topic Posts: 33
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