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I have a question about intimacy in terms of talking. WH is overseas and I requested that he calls me everyday. If he skips a day, I do get upset and an argument ensues that he says he doesn't want to feel "required/obligated" to call me. He should only call me because he wants to.

I know one cannot "make" someone want to talk to you, that I should make the calls pleasant, but if I ever try to talk about my feelings or I'm upset with something he did, now he says all I do is make him feel guilty and defensive.

I don't feel I'm doing that.

Am I wrong? Shouldn't he call anyway? Isn't there an obligation to keep in touch if you're married?

Sorry, I think this is a ramble.

..are you 'asking' him or 'telling'him to call?

..is there a lack of trust issue still in effect so he is 'checking in' to you every day?

..does he feel like a child being punished and reminded every day, by having to make the call?

..are you wanting his call because of your own insecurities?

..when he calls, is the conversation of an intimate nature or just "hi, i'm checking in. I'll call again tomorrow at 5pm. bye. ???

..does he have anything important to say to you , or you to him?

..is it just a chance to say I love you and miss you?

..he seems to be saying that the reason for the call is only because you are demanding it rather than lovingly wanting to hear his sweet voice??

..just throwing out some thoughts that I, as a man, may be feeling about calling 'every' day..

smy

smy: Thank you very much. You have given me something to think about.

Yes, I'm insecure, especially when he's overseas for a month or two. Sometimes the conversation is good, but many times he tells me he has to run, and has no time to talk, and I know he does have time, so it does bother me. I really try to make all the calls pleasant and not complain about anything going on at home, but it's hard to be a semi single mother.

You've given me a lot to think about. Thank you

Expecting your spouse to call you once a day while he is overseas is not unreasonable. At all. He doesn't like feeling obligated? Well, he IS obligated! He's married! SMY raised good questions, but the question I would ask is, Why isn't your need to hear from him important to him? Why isn't he willing to do something so easy? And why does he think its ok to make the calls you do have unpleasant for you by complaining or cutting them short?

My FWH can be like this...I finally told him he could be completely comfortable, or he could be a little uncomfortable while making me feel loved and appreciated. He's gotten a lot better!

That's all I want, to feel loved, appreciated and secure. Is it so hard for him?

My H traveled all the time and always called once a day...sometimes late at night waking me up BUT when he was cheating overseas he started skipping a day here and there and sometimes we would go two days without talking....he would say it was the time zones, he was busy, etc.

For us, it was a way to disconnect and one of my conditions to R was daily calls......it's a habit that can be broken and can also be ingrained again.

My H calls every day while traveling now....we say good morning....and we say good night......sometimes that's all we do as he is beat or I'm on my way out...but we connect.

You are not unreasonable at all and he needs to get over the little boy claim "I don't want to"....He's a man and has a responsibility to keep in touch with his wife every day....no matter what....

Mmm, I kind of disagree with SMY's take b/c that sounds like the rationalization of a guy dating around who doesn't want to commit, not a man who loves his wife and misses her while he's away. It's that standard guy claptrap of "don't trap me woman" that I abhor b/c imho, if that's how you feel, then don't get married.

I rarely post in R b/c I did not R, but when the topic is on point I will.

My M was characterized by multiple deployments and TDYs and I expected a call everyday. I too was upset when he didn't, or when he acted as if he was "too busy" or "had to run" or "got mad b/c I wanted to talk about real things rather than superficial things" and looking back on it, I can see so clearly that he called only to show he was a good guy, not because he cared, missed me, or was trying to stay in contact with his wife.

Your expectations are not unreasonable. What's the point of being married if you and your spouse aren't in daily contact when it's possible? Your insecurities, given the A, are not unreasonable. Telling him that you need him to call everyday is not an unreasonable demand. Yes I said demand b/c given the A you have a right to some demands of him and daily contact is certainly one. You're his wife, he's your husband, having to "ask" him to call like he's doing you some big favor is unreasonable and makes it seem like you are in the wrong for feeling the way you do. And no way no how are you wrong about how you are feeling or what you are needing from him.

Baggage Reclaim's latest is on point for you I think: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/being-mistreated-isnt-evidence-that-youve-done-something-wrong/

Good luck sweetheart. ((((honesttoafault))))

[This message edited by cayc at 7:21 AM, May 23rd (Thursday)]

I've been struggling with the same issue. We work opposite schedules, so we rely on phone calls, texts and old fashioned notes left on the counter for each other to communicate. It's been really bothering me lately and I finally realized yesterday that what's bothering me is I'm not getting what she got. Nearly every day, he started a text conversation with her - HE started, not her - and it continued on through the day. That went on for months.

After D-day, he started to do that with me but it lasted a very short amount of time and now I'm always the one to start it and I'm lucky if I get a response at all.

So I have no answers, just wanted to let you know you're not alone. Like you, I feel like "requiring" it defeats the purpose, but I would like him to show that he cares about me in this way.