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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: what made you choose R?
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Karmahappens: this is exceptional. Glad I have your stuff to read.

Thank you LA

I appreciate your experiences as well. It is so much easier navigating through these long months, years even, with people that support and pull for each other.

Being where I am now I want people to know there is real healing and hope to be found.

I was so broken and such a mess, most of my healing, my inside me stuff, really happened over the past year. It's when the pieces all finally fit and I was ok, really ok.

I just want everyone to get here. To be able to truly live a happy healthy life has changed my entire outlook.

I still have things I work on, but I work now knowing there is a solution and life can be sweet.

(((hugs))) LA and thanks for the smile.

Sorry for the t/j runningblind


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3246 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
hurting97
♀ Member
Member # 34263
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, May 23rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In the beginning I stayed because I was not in an emotional state to make that large of a decision. Now, I stay because we have 4 children whose hearts I refuse to break. He continues to try to be a better person every day, he is a better father and husband. As long as he continues to improve himself and our children are in the house, I will stay with him. I still love him and enjoy spending time with him, but if it was not for our children I would not be here. They adore their father and would be heartbroken if they could no longer see him every day. So as long as he is a positive influence in their lives, I will stay. He prays that some day my heart will change and I will stay with him forever, but I am doubtful that it will and some day I will leave.


BS 38
WH 40
M 15 yrs, together 21
DDay EA 12/3/11
DDay PA 12/10/11
Trying R. He is committed. I'm not sure.

Posts: 71 | Registered: Dec 2011
Keepcalm
♀ Member
Member # 36234
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At first I stayed because I loved my husband and I thought we can fix this. Now I see he is broken and not able to do the hard work to repair our marriage. Now I stay because of finances. My mother lives with us, I have been a stay-at-home-mom for the most part working PT low wage jobs while the kids were in school. I have not been able to find a job that pays more than 10 an hour, even though I just graduated from a community college with a 3.8. I have scrimped and saved for 28 years so we could retire without worries. We have no debt (except we still owe 36,000 on our home). I live in a very expensive area where apt rents run 1200-1500 a month. Why should I give up what I have because he is an ass. I never thought I would stay because of money, but at 56 yrs old with an ill mother, you make the best of it.


BS Me 54
WS Him 52
Married 29 yrs
DDay 1/28/2012
Divorcing

Posts: 122 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Virginia
Keepcalm
♀ Member
Member # 36234
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At first I stayed because I loved my husband and I thought we can fix this. Now I see he is broken and not able to do the hard work to repair our marriage. Now I stay because of finances. My mother lives with us, I have been a stay-at-home-mom for the most part working PT low wage jobs while the kids were in school. I have not been able to find a job that pays more than 10 an hour, even though I just graduated from a community college with a 3.8. I have scrimped and saved for 28 years so we could retire without worries. We have no debt (except we still owe 36,000 on our home). I live in a very expensive area where apt rents run 1200-1500 a month. Why should I give up what I have because he is an ass. I never thought I would stay because of money, but at 56 yrs old with an ill mother, you make the best of it.


BS Me 54
WS Him 52
Married 29 yrs
DDay 1/28/2012
Divorcing

Posts: 122 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Virginia
whatdoto
♀ Member
Member # 28555
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really didn't think of choosing between R and D/S. I wanted to R so I stayed. WH went NC once I told the other BS. He has stayed NC since 10/10. He wants to R so bad, but, I've realized that R just isn't possible for me. I've been in denial of my own feelings since then. IC woke me up. Now, I stay for DS. He graduates in 3 years, then I'm gone. I wish I could R, I really do. Maybe between now and then I will change my mind.

[This message edited by whatdoto at 8:52 AM, May 24th (Friday)]


"If your ideal image of yourself is in the future, it's going to stay there".

Posts: 1187 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Texas
so_lost
♀ Member
Member # 7726
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why my gut told me to stay initially:
1. I loved him and he loved me.
2. He was NC, remorseful, and willing to do whatever it took to save our marriage.
3. The fear of losing him and the life as I knew it. Not being able to control anything.

Other reasons I stayed after the initial storm calmed down:
-Why should another woman get my perfectly changed, "born again" man?
-We were practically newlyweds and I wanted to give our marriage another chance. Plus I did think about all the people who contributed to our wedding.
-I didn't want to give up my childbearing years.
-There are no guarantees in life and I could've easily gotten cheated on by another man after my FWH.

Some of these reasons may not be politically correct but they're mine.

[This message edited by so_lost at 9:48 AM, May 24th (Friday)]


D-day April 2005, R.
Me-BS 36
Him-FWH 37, 8 month EA/PA with coworker. Married 2 yrs at the time.
2 kiddos after D-day, Married 11 years.


Posts: 260 | Registered: Jul 2005
SadFlower
♀ Member
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why did I decide to R? One word: Remorse. And a deep sense of shame. FWH broke down when I confronted him, was abjectly apologetic, assured me that he loved me, and went NC right away.

And that brings me to the second important factor: Love. He was and has become again the love of my life. Since D-Day, he has been showing in many ways that he does love me, too. He has been wonderful.

A third factor: I was ready to walk away from the M. I told him that if he could not bear to end it with OW (with whom he had a deep and meaningful friendship in addition to the illicit sex), then I would set him free--that I wanted him to be happy. I was astounded at how quickly he chose me over her. (Note: I did NOT do the "choose me" dance. I knew I'd be fine if we decided to D.)

But of all these things, remorse was the key. If he hadn't shown remorse, I would have initiated D proceedings immediately.


Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 18 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA


Posts: 318 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
hopefullromantic
♀ Member
Member # 16652
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was a gut reaction for me too, to fight for what was rightfully mine.

But the bottom line was love and a remorseful spouse. Both had to be proven over time.


It's not really a fairy tale 'till the witch is deposed and a few dragons are slain

Posts: 1715 | Registered: Oct 2007
ladya
♀ Member
Member # 29184
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After I found out the EA was a PA I told him he had 1 year and I would evaluate every month. I didn't want to rush into anything that I would regret later. I chose to stay in R because he showed true remorse. I also chose it because I fell back in love with him. Our kids are also part of the reason. I did not want to put them through a divorce until I felt we had tried everything possible first.

It's not always easy though. There have been millions of times that I wanted to just leave. I knew I would be fine financially and felt like the pain would disappear. But, I said he had one year and at least one of us was true to our word.

3 years later, I'm glad we chose R. Hang in there. It might take him awhile to show true remorse.


Me:BS married 29 yrs.
5 kids

Time really does heal.
EA D-Day May 2008
PA D-Day May 7,2010 (same A)


Posts: 882 | Registered: Jul 2010
RunningBlind
♀ New Member
Member # 39203
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone.. Lots of wisdom and food for thought here. Gonna need some time to digest it all.

I know R is such a personal thing and requires much soul searching. It's had enough without the input of others outside the relationship but damn is it hard to ignore.. Worse are your own internal doubts. Thank you all again.


me: BS, early 30's
him: WS, early 30's
2 young kiddos

Posts: 45 | Registered: May 2013
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 12:17 AM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought he had lost his mind, or had a mid-life crisis (same thing, I guess.) Also, I loved him. I thought he'd get back to normal after he realized and admitted how crazy what he did was.

2 years later, when I found out about the ongoing porn use I decided I'd stay until the children are out of the house. Again, I loved him and hoped for the best since he said he hated what he was doing and stopped looking at it, joined a 12 step group (very sketchy attendence, but I didn't mind as long as he stayes off the porn....but now I wonder if he shouldn't go regularly because of his bad attitude since being off porn.)


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
Topic Posts: 31
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