SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The thought of not being with him feels like I am stabbing a red hot poker through my soul but I can't find it in me to give a shit anymore. I don't have the PW to his phone, have no idea if he changed it on g-mail, he plays an online game and was talking to someone that had a woman's full name, I saw it over his shoulder when I was letting the dog out and he signs off about a minute later and I shrugged. He cleaned up certain areas recently, tells me he doesn't think about sex that much anymore, goes out 'til all hours, wakes up and is dressed to go out with his BFF within an hour and for me he takes twice as long to even get up and when he left yesterday I shrugged, found a good book, watched some TV and cleaned up. I think, what if he's hiding something, what if he is cheating and I shrug and move on.

Whatever this is, I think it's dangerous for R. If I don't care about him and his actions, I'll stop caring about us...if I stop caring about us then what's the point. The fact that as I said the thought of not being together sears my soul says that my love is still there, but is my want? What the hell is this? Last week I was being torn apart by all of it and yet for the past couple days it's been a shrug and moving on. Maybe my brain is on overload, and shutting down some of the emotion to give me back my sanity...maybe it's something else. Either way the work on me has not stopped but the obsession on him has...it's a bit scary to feel so nonchalant about something that has made me curl up in a fetal position on the kitchen floor. Anyone experience this?

I think maybe what it is is that you're accepting that you don't have any control over what he does. I think that's GOOD and healthy, because just what you've said here are huge red flags as far as his behavior.

I live this way. Even when he manages to upset me, or reject me in some way, the pain or anger really, doesnt last long at all. Its almost refreshing. I have a few abusive people in my life, who can no longer effect me. I think I have now put my H in that box. I have been wondering this very thing. Are these huge walls, for self protection? Or did it die? I dont really care enough to research it. I am feeling much happier, and living for my own needs. I try to be understanding of day to day stuff. But mostly, I dont care. I just visited my mom. We have been estranged for 16 years. Keeping in touch by letter only. It didnt upset me at all. She couldnt upset me. I even saw the molester from childhood. (attempted) He was nothing, pitiful actually. Didnt bother me. I am not sure what it is, but it feels much better.