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Any ideas on how to lose the victim mentality? A short and to the point post from me for once.

For me, loss of control made me feel like a victim. I naturally try to address problems head-on, instead of rugsweep, so I think that helped. Especially during my anger phase. My IC remarked that I seem to run toward the problem rather than away from it, though I'd hardly call myself confrontational.

Is there something you can take control of in this situation? You already know you can control yourself and your actions, so that's something.

What's the status with you and your WS?

Well, first off - stop fighting against it. You WERE a victim of your WH's betrayal. That's a fact. By definition, a victim is one who is tricked, swindled or injured. So the shoe fits, right?

The turning point comes when you stop allowing yourself to be victimized. Lay down boundaries, enforce consequences, etc.

This gets really muddy, though, if you are dealing with an unremorseful WS. A couple of months after Sultan finally admitted to a PA, but while I knew he was still lying his ass off to me, we were in an MC session where he went on a 5 minute diatribe about how *I* was playing victim, blahblah. The MC sucked overall, but, at that moment, he sat up straight in his chair, leaned forward, looked Sultan directly in the eyes, and said "she WAS a victim. YOU victimized her!"

Anyway. It gets muddy with a WS that has a 'get over it' attitude because you find yourself having to continually *remind* that person of the shitty f'n things that they did to you.

However, your attitude makes all the difference. You have to make a conscious decision to NOT get kicked around anymore and you have to stand up for yourself and be willing to say "yea, well fuck you."

But ^^all of that is just a general statement and may not be pertinent to what you are going through right now.

Why do you feel like you have a victim mentality and how does it manifest itself in your life to the point that you feel it's a problem?

^^This. Great words here. It certainly applied to me! Thanks, Gonna.

It gets muddy with a WS that has a 'get over it' attitude because you find yourself having to continually *remind* that person of the shitty f'n things that they did to you.

Yep, and believe me I tried everything, every logical or illogical approach. Everything from rational, calm, loving statements supported by research and quotes to total emotional breakdowns where I'm not sure he could even understand a word I said but my pain was clearly streaming down my face. After exhausting all possible options to have him "get it", finally I accepted defeat, realized that whether he gets it or not isn't going to come by me, that absolutely NOTHING I say or do will change his thinking or choices, and all it ever did was give him ammunition...a look inside my thinking to have an easier way to twist reality and blameshift.

The game stopped when I quit playing. I just let him think whatever he wanted of me, stopped correcting him, stopped reasoning, and in that process stopped absorbing his fucked up responses to me. Taking back control of my reactions is what helped me crawl out of victim mode. I'm not a victim today. I'm a survivor.

You stop being a victim when you accept that nothing you could have done would have changed his choice to cheat. When I accepted this I felt empowered. Yes I was a victim. Yes life was very unfair. I had to make a conscious choice that it was on him.

I was no longer going to be a victim. I was not going to tolerated being lied to disrespected or hurt again. I drew my demands for R, and made clear the consequences for those actions. I did not allow my heart to be open to him until I was convinced he got it.

This gave me strength and allowed me to start to take care of me.

Well, first off - stop fighting against it. You WERE a victim of your WH's betrayal.

and

You stop being a victim when you accept that nothing you could have done would have changed his choice to cheat

So true.

It took me some time to reach that kind of acceptance. Still working on it. You took a big step by acknowledging that you know longer want to be a victim, that's huge and a good start. When I started to regain my self-esteem, I started to realize that what he did, didn't define me and never will.

Lots of food for thought. Thanks everyone. I need some time to process the responses and can't do it today :-( Looming surgeon appointment tomorrow and my brain is just fried.

Google "Karpman Drama Triangle" which addresses the roles of Victim, Persecutor & Rescuer.

What Gonnabe said x10!

also....

Accept what you can not change and control only yourself.

Hold yourself accountable only for your own decisions and hold others accountable for theirs.

Be confident that your No means No and your yes means yes.

Take action and never make threats.

I like the word victim. I use it all the time. I have the right to use it: I am a victim. I was raped as a child. I have been victimized in two physically abusive relationships. I've been cheated on. I've been stolen from.

Being a victim in many different ways has been a huge part of my life. I can't take it back, I chant change it, I couldn't control it. But WHY does being a victim have to be such a bad thing? It is okay to define yourself as a victim- you ARE a victim. I am. We all are. Now and forever, you will carry what happened to you. I'm guessing that this experience has changed you, in one way or another- and in that way, is part of who you are.

From there, you get a choice. You can choose to let being victimized consume in a negative way (woe is me attitude, anger, hate, etc...), or you can choose to let being victimized consume you in a positive way (by being a stronger person, standing up for yourself, expecting more, treating yourself better, doing something wonderful, having even stronger morals and convictions). The choice is yours.

Regardless, don't ever feel badly that oh are a victim. Because you are also a daughter, a friend, a wife, a good worker, kind, loving, trustworthy, faithful. A victim is part of who you are, but not all of who oh are.

I had to switch from victim mode to survivor mode. I'm proud of myself. :)

BeyondBreaking wrote:

But WHY does being a victim have to be such a bad thing? It is okay to define yourself as a victim- you ARE a victim.

ladies_first wrote:

Google "Karpman Drama Triangle" which addresses the roles of Victim, Persecutor & Rescuer.

^^That's why. Notice there's no "survivor" in that drama triangle, only victim. Redemption and personal growth become possible when we realize we have choices of what we allow in our lives. When we choose to focus on ourselves, our healing, take back what was taken from us, grow, then we move from victim to survivor. I, for one, was NOT comfortable remaining a victim. I've moved on from that.

Those that find comfort in the victim-mentality are typically those that are still very broken and damaged and haven't done the internal work to rebuild their sense of self and strength. That is why you hear so many unremorseful WS's acting like THEY are the victim. It's not healthy.

[This message edited by windowsnotwalls at 9:15 AM, May 24th (Friday)]

I think reveling in the idea of being a victim does not help one overcome it. Most people have been victims at some point in our lives, but the point is to rise above it, and NOT let it define you or relish in it. I have had some shitty things happen to me... There is no pride in being a victim.

Here is a YouTube video I made several years ago as part of my rape trauma therapy. My counselor had me make a video on recovery, redemption, becoming a survivor. While the trauma then was different than the trauma of infidelity, I can say infidelity is no less a trauma. I had to incorporate the same principles from my PTSD therapy to heal from infidelity. I hope the video sheds some light on the importance of moving from victim to survivor. Victims act out in many ways, feeling justified from their pain. Survivors live rich lives.

http://youtu.be/mVSwepSyFOI

wnw,

What you wrote is so true. Staying in victim mode allows you to justify just about anything.

It is when you move out of that mode that you take your life back and stop allowing anything or anyone to control it. And all of the justifications have to stop. There is power in NOT being a victim.

I think realizing that you are responsible for yourself goes a long way towards losing that mentality. At some point we have to decide or chose to either be a victim or take control of ourselves by making choices that empower us or remove us from the victimization we are experiencing.

Victims act out in many ways, feeling justified from their pain. Survivors live rich lives.

Wow, well said!

It's so easy for me to cycle through the Drama Triangle. I can enter it at any point and have all 3 roles finely tuned. I make a damn fine persecutor and rescuer too. It takes a lot of work and practice to get out of it.

Victims act out in many ways, feeling justified from their pain. Survivors live rich lives.

THIS. I catch myself doing this sadly. I don't want to be a victim. I want to be a survivor.