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ZenMumWalking (original poster member #25341) posted at 4:48 PM on Thursday, May 23rd, 2013
... just the same old one. Over. And over. And over again. 
Me (BS), Him (WH): late-50's
3 DS: 26, 25, 22
M: 30+ (19 1/2 at Dday)
Dday: Dec 2008
Wanted R, not gonna happen (in permanent S)
Used to be DeadMumWalking, doing better now
gonnabe2016 ( member #34823) posted at 4:52 PM on Thursday, May 23rd, 2013
"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
jo2love ( member #31528) posted at 5:17 PM on Thursday, May 23rd, 2013
nowiknow23 ( member #33226) posted at 5:20 PM on Thursday, May 23rd, 2013
You can call me NIK
And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane
SisterMilkshake ( member #30024) posted at 5:23 PM on Thursday, May 23rd, 2013
(((DeadMumWalking))) I am so sorry. You are such a special person, one of my faves here at SI, you don't deserve this crap.
BW (me) & FWH both over half a century; married several decades; children
d-day 3/10; LTA (7 years?)
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson
stilltrying2025 ( member #39145) posted at 5:39 PM on Thursday, May 23rd, 2013
(((DMW)))
I'm so sorry you are hurting again! Sending you hugs....you need them!
Me: 38
WH: 43
DD: Thanksgiving Day, 2012
Status: Separated
ZenMumWalking (original poster member #25341) posted at 5:55 PM on Thursday, May 23rd, 2013
Thanks all, you are so dependable and kind!!
I am having so much trouble keeping my shit together, yesterday was massive triggery on a number of fronts and asshole WH sure didn't help....
It was DS2's birthday, his 18th (omg!!) so a milestone. So WH came over for the celebration (without arranging it with me ahead of time) after NC for days and wouldn't respond to my emails regarding DS3's medical issues (these are only short term and not very serious, but I have to make appointments etc and he was supposed to update me on this).
Also yesterday was the 1 year 'anniversary' of when DS1 went missing last year after leaving a suicide note at his school (we found him after 4 days). He is doing very well right now, so that's good, but of course my brain had to flash on all of the stuff that went on with him over the past year.
So after dinner and the cake, WH says 'I'm leaving now' just like that and I'm like wtf??? So I ask what's going on and he left to walk to the train station. He was in such a fucking hurry he left his pile of work here. Which I think might just somehow 'disappear'.
So I guess I'm nowhere near that blissful state of 'mental NC'.
Sorry this is so rambly, I'm just all over the place and having a lot of trouble keeping it together now. Fortunately I have IC tomorrow, maybe my doc will help me see some reason to keep going.
You guys are the greatest, thanks so much again.
Me (BS), Him (WH): late-50's
3 DS: 26, 25, 22
M: 30+ (19 1/2 at Dday)
Dday: Dec 2008
Wanted R, not gonna happen (in permanent S)
Used to be DeadMumWalking, doing better now
ZenMumWalking (original poster member #25341) posted at 6:06 PM on Friday, May 24th, 2013
@SMS: tried to pm you, you're at your limit
Just wanted to say how much I appreciate being a 'fave' 
Stuff is still crappy, I don't know how much longer I will last like this. I had to make a 'contract' with my psychiatrist this afternoon not to kill myself without telling him first
I am trying to make it past the weekend, for the last day of classes next week.
I just want to feel happy. Useful. Worth something. It's not happening.
Me (BS), Him (WH): late-50's
3 DS: 26, 25, 22
M: 30+ (19 1/2 at Dday)
Dday: Dec 2008
Wanted R, not gonna happen (in permanent S)
Used to be DeadMumWalking, doing better now
hopefulmother ( member #38790) posted at 6:46 PM on Friday, May 24th, 2013
((((Deadmumwalking)))
So sorry. Let him go. Start your life anew. It hurts me to see you in so much pain. It is like you are being strung along to a Never-ending story, a fish on the hook. You deserve better than this.
Me-BW 44
WH-44 zugzwang
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends since 1993
Married 2004 with 2 children
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.
Newlease ( member #7767) posted at 8:17 PM on Friday, May 24th, 2013
I have been where you are. But here is what kept me going when I thought about ending my life every. single. day.
My children. They saved me. Because I knew that even if my pain ended, theirs would just begin and it would follow them for their whole lives.
I would endure any amount of pain to spare my children. So I did.
The best part of all this is that a better day was coming. I have a more wonderful life than I ever imagined when I was in the middle of all this pain. If I had ended my life I would have missed out on so much beauty and love.
So hang on. Sending strength and peace.
NL
Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.
Housefulloflove ( member #38458) posted at 8:47 PM on Friday, May 24th, 2013
((hugs!!))
I know how you feel. Lord knows I've been cycling through it over and over...and over!
Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013
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