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So, I have thought about the things I need since the A. Like all of us has. What are we looking for? Why is it that what our WS is doing or giving is not enough?

My WS is doing everything right. Talking, showing remorse, NC, transparency, actions. Yet, sometimes there is still something missing.

One post struck a cord with me last month. I want my WS to share with me when he triggers. I want to know that he still gets bothered by what he did, just as much as I am bothered/hurt everyday.

I also want him to show the desire for me that I imagine he had for the AP. And, I don't mean just in the bedroom. I want to feel the desire he had for me when we got married 8 yrs ago. The type of desire risking a M for. The over-the-top infatuation that shows me he can't live without me. I want to believe that if anything happened to me, he would die of a broken heart.

I want him to fight for me. That if I left him, he would pine over me, like he did over the AP for a month. I want to know that he would grovel on his hands and knees for me. Never leave my doorstop, call constantly, send flowers. Cry himself to sleep. That he would never let me go.....

I know he is sorry. I know he wishes he could take it all back. I know he doesn't give a rats Ass about the other wench. That he never cared about her more than me. I know he says I am the love of his life. I just want to feel it again.

((((hopefulmother))))

I know what it's like to want someone to fight for me. Unfortunately, my WH is doing very little right - no remorse, and not working on our relationship at all at the moment (we are currently separated).

I want to feel good again too. To feel wanted. To feel loved. To feel worth something. To feel good at something.

I hope your WH will wake up and truly appreciate what he has nearly lost, and will help you to feel loved like you deserve.

((((hopefulmother))))

Yeah, right. I want someone to make me feel special, adored, desired, loved, and needed with a passion above the heavens. My greatest sorrow is not feeling special enough to fight for.

Every endearment, every look, every caress, and every sex act has been shared with someone else. Yes. Every. Single. One. There is nothing left for me and no fight for me.

Sorry. Not a good day, but I feel your pain.

Sorry Deadmumwalking: I should clarify. My fWH is doing most things right. He is showing how dumb he was and realizes what he could have lost. This is just me and my silly fantasy. I guess that is the love I felt when we were M. I feel loved, he is showing me love. I just still don't feel like the "one".

You have been registered since 2009? He still is in your life and not doing much?

(((hopeful)))

I almost cried because you have said all the words I was thinking but didn't know how to express. Thank you...I completely feel and understand your pain as your situation sounds very similiar to mine.

((((hopefull))))

So sorry you are in so much pain :-(

You are not alone. I know how hard he fought for me in the beginning when we met and feel like he should fight even harder now. Too bad his self esteem is now in the gutter thanks to his decisions :-( At least that's what I keep telling myself anyways...

t/j:

He still is in your life and not doing much?

For the longest time he would do 'just enough' - but looking back on it, it was probably more that I kept lowering the bar more and more..... anyway, we are separated now, supposedly it is temporary but based on his behavior I don't see what will change.

Sorry for the t/j

((((hopefulmother))))

That's what I wanted him to fight for me and be upset he hurt me not laugh it off like oh well get over it,

I wanted the love he used to show me but it was me making all the effort,his presence was enough for him and I should of been blessed.

ALL of you are so correct.

It is so painful when you realize that you are too predictable and "old news"; nothing worth fighting for anymore.

I told my WH one evening while out for a walk that all i ever wanted was for him to fight for me. He look so suprised that i stupidly thought for a moment that he might actually do so.

Fast forward; nothing, nothing, nothing.

He just wants me to forgive and forget. He yells and leaves and has quit MC.

Guess there is just no fight in the old boy. Unless you are a very young girl.

How very sad that we are all here drenched in this pain.

I am done asking him to fight for me. That must be an extraordinary task for a person who is so self absorbed and that is what my WH is...........

No remorse, wont returnbto MC after it was his idea. I see nowvthat it was just his way of getting back in the door after he left me for the OW.

Realised that the grass isnt always greener........my WH is displaying any of the things your H is. I wish......

Remember one thing with the whole sordid mess. It takes time to rebuild....a lot of time. He sounds like he is trying......AND it wasnt about her it was all just about him. And not even about you and i know how much it sucks BIGTIME.

I feel your pain. Are you having IC?

If not this will help you.

I wish you much strength.

(((Hugs))) and a happy day. Take care of you!

Hugs to all of you! I hate there are so many people in this world in this kind of pain!

This has been an extremely sucky week! I've been bothered about my WH's behavior too. He is really trying. Sending sweet little texts, taking me shopping & to dinner. Problem is this...it's NEVER been this way before. It feels odd & even a little coerced. Like he can behave his way out of this mess.

I'm so screwed up right now & honestly, it's really hard to think I'm ever going to feel the same way about him. I have no respect for him after he so carelessly fucked our lives away.

I wish there was an icon for head shaking....

Here's hoping for calm & peace to come soon!

I hear you guys.

He says he is fighting for his M everyday. I understand this. What I am talking about is something totally different. I am talking about making feel the way he made her feel, I guess. Does it make sense? I want him to make me feel like I am good enough to risk a M and family for. I don't know-I sound kinda crazy I guess.

He says he already begged me and cried for me once and will never do it again. He will just let me go if I want to leave. That just makes me feel like he doesn't love me enough.

He loves me, but is not willing to lower himself for me? He sure as hell had no problem lowering himself for the bitch.

But, of course he didn't think he was doing anything wrong at the time or having an A-just because he didn't sleep with her. It didn't matter that he wanted to. He just though he was getting to know a friend and it wouldn't hurt me like this, because he wouldn't be hurt by an EA. Why do men think that for? Sounds like a new thread.

Great....now I am getting angry again.

Why isn't what the WS is doing isn't enough if they are doing everything right?

Here is an analogy:

Lets say you get a hole blown in your leg by a shotgun. The doctors can sew you up, and put you on as much morphine as you can handle. But still, you are in pain. The meds are not enough for that kind of wound.

You will be in pain.......until you completely heal.

But, of course he didn't think he was doing anything wrong at the time or having an A-just because he didn't sleep with her. It didn't matter that he wanted to. He just though he was getting to know a friend and it wouldn't hurt me like this, because he wouldn't be hurt by an EA.

Same here. And why does HE get to tell you how much YOU hurt??

((((hopefulmother))))

I can relate to this (and to soooo much people her at SI say). I knew something was up years before D-Day. I had these feelings like he didn't even like me, let alone love me. I would try to talk about it sometimes, but it was always, "I love you, Honey." Or that he was stressed out from work or tired. After D-Day I too have these feelings that I just want him to really be "IN" to me. He does all the nice kind things, compliments me here and there, does things for me around the house, but it's like the passion and desire is gone and it has been gone for a long time. If we can get that back, I think we can R and go on and lead a happy life again. If we can't, I don't see us spending forever together.

I am talking about making feel the way he made her feel, I guess. Does it make sense? I want him to make me feel like I am good enough to risk a M and family for. I don't know-I sound kinda crazy I guess.

I SOOOOOO get this! Exactly! I've said it to him so many times, the effort he made for her, the lying and sneaking and driving and rearranging his work schedule--where's the effort for me? And he was willing to sacrifice our marriage, and me, for her! What has he sacrificed for me? He can't answer, he just goes back to the same old justifications and blame shifting.

I sure don't feel special anymore. I total feel your pain. I hope someday it gets better, for all of us, but I doubt it. Instead of waiting for them to help us feel special, we have to learn to make ourselves feel special as individuals. Difficult when the self esteem is long gone......

[This message edited by Brokenpetal at 1:06 PM, May 24th (Friday)]

I know he is sorry. I know he wishes he could take it all back. I know he doesn't give a rats Ass about the other wench. That he never cared about her more than me. I know he says I am the love of his life. I just want to feel it again.

My WH feels the same way. But in light of all the recent Ddays I've had, his words have absolutely no value to me at all. I need actions, and more actions. But I get 100% how you feel.

I do feel special to myself. I know I am. I know that I am a down-to-earth, classy, sexy, smart, confident, compassionate women. I know I would be a great catch for someone else. But, I don't care about what anyone else thinks. I care about what my H thinks.

After all, this man is my H. Not anyone else.

I want my H to feel the same way. He does, so he says. I don't have doubt in myself, just in him.

I guess it is the same old same old. How can you truly love someone if you trump them for someone like the AP?

I think that is what hurts the most. The specialness that I felt in my marriage. I know I am a special person with a very loving heart. He had always made me feel like that too until he started the A. Then he started to gradually change and I started to notice the distance, but he swore everything was OK with us. I did not have a clue he was cheating on me and had been for a long time. He was still making me feel special enough not to suspect him. Now I just wonder if it was always a lie on his part?? Was I ever really special, or just the special one until someone else came along?? Why am I special again now?? I wasn't broken then, now I am broken, so why are you here now?? Why does he want to save something he tried his damnest to destroy with a LTA. I know I will never feel special like that again in this marriage or probably any other relationship. Now it was just a fairytale story with an unhappy ending. My knight in shining armor was a fake afterall.

Exactly Trustgone

Oh well. I am an idiot. I love him. I am staying with him because I still love a man that can hurt me this bad just for a bit of fun. That makes me angry. She wasn't worth it. He destroyed so much for a tramp that wasn't worth it.

Now, I will always hate myself just a bit for loving a man that can be so stupid and selfish.