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Newest Member: KevinTheAsshole (45445)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: He needs an answer by June 1
♀ Member
Member # 38722
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree, there is a difference between mature love and romantic love, but I also believe I have experienced mature love. We were together for 7 years. The in love feeling didn't last for more than a couple of years. When we married I felt a mature love for him, I didn't still get the butterflies etc.

However, after being treated in a way that is not loving for a long time, I think you disconnect that feeling of even mature love. Unless all of you feel the same kind of love towards your spouses that you do towards your friends. I have mature love for my friends and family. There is a difference between marital love and friend love.

I feel friend love. I don't think that is a mature fulfilling love to develop a marriage on.

But, if you say you choose to have loving feelings, do loving acts, and the love will come, I go back to my question, why if it is just a matter of choosing that you are going to be in love, do you ever end one relationship for another. Why don't we all just choose to be in love all the time?

I don't feel bad feelings about my spouse much, I just believe he is incapable of giving me what I need, and I could choose every day to try and love him and probably be content, but I don't think I would ever love him like he should be loved by someone he is spending his life with.

I am not sure that made any sense

[This message edited by WWMEH13 at 4:28 PM, May 30th (Thursday)]

WW - 38
BH - 38
EA/PA - 8 months
Married 4 years together 7
2 Ddays, same AP last one in December 2012
NC - 2/1/2013
DS - 2 years old

Status - Divorcing

Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: USA
tired girl
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Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I agree with you here. I believe that you can be dis respected enough or abused enough in any relationship to the point that the love is killed.

I see that you have reached a place of acceptance with him and are ready to move on. I don't see this as a bad thing.

Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5093 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
♂ Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will echo what has been said here - it seems like a case of "Know thyself."

I will add something, though. In education, there are multiple schools of thought, but two in particular have struck me after a conversation I had with Heart:

1. Standardized. This is the cookie-cutter model wherein students are all identical and interchangeable. They should all be expected to score the same thing on every test on average.

2. Value-Added. This is where a student that shows sufficient progress from the knowledge they had at the beginning of the year when compared to the end of the year, and is therefore scaled according to their level of improvement, rather than their letter grade/test scores.

To try to force a marriage to work is like the "Standardized" model: because it is societally-expected for marriage partners to work out their differences and support each other for the sake of the children, I will endure the marriage; success is measured by the rearing of progeny and cohesion of the family unit. "Value-Added" would be a relationship in which you feel that your partner actually contributes something to your well-being and happiness; success is measured by the contributions made by each individual family member according to what they are prepared to give and whether or not that improves the lives of all the family members.

It's up to you as to whether or not improving your score from a "20" to a "40" out of 100 means 200% improvement (VA) or still means a failing grade (St).

Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 801 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
♀ Member
Member # 38722
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, May 31st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

K - thanks for that. Definitely something to consider.

WW - 38
BH - 38
EA/PA - 8 months
Married 4 years together 7
2 Ddays, same AP last one in December 2012
NC - 2/1/2013
DS - 2 years old

Status - Divorcing

Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 24
Pages: 1 · 2

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