SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So today is exactly 2 years out from Dday for me. The last 2 years have been interesting to say the least. Two years ago around this time I was posting my first post in the JFO forum. The last line in that post was, “I feel like such a loser.” My story has a happy ending. It wasn’t the ending I originally wanted when I arrived but it’s the ending that I needed. I am getting divorced and I am okay with that. My STBXWW will be moving out in 1 month. I am fully detached and loving life again. This site is called surviving infidelity and it is an awesome resource for helping people survive infidelity. There were never any promises of saving my M but I did get promises of it will be okay and things will get better. You know what everyone was right. Things do get better and everything does end up okay.

Each of us has our own unique path on this journey. I learned that your M does not define you, your WS’s A does not define you, whether you S, D or R doesn’t define you…YOU define you. I took back control of my life and start living it again. I came here trying to figure out how to save my M and ending up learning how to save myself. Codependancy, FEAR, Fixer, rediscovering myself, resolving FOO issues are all things I never heard of in some cases and definitely never considered as factors in how I led my life up to that point. I came out of this a complete individual.

Ours path may be different but we all start off on the same road and it branches off in many different ways. Some will R, some will D, some will remain in limbo indefinitely but the secret to moving forward is simple. Focus on you because it is the ONLY thing you can and have ever been able to control. Your WS’s detached form you long ago when they had the A. By detaching yourself you put yourself on somewhat even emotional footing. They broke the emotional bond they had with you and you need to break that old emotional bond you have with them. That old bond is you holding on to the old M. The old M is dead they killed it with the A but some of us do have the chance to build a new M if you choose to do so. Detaching gives you the ability to form a new bond with your WS from a place of semi-calmness. It’s easier to see the true person in front of you then and you can decide if building a new M is what you want or if this entire situation is in fact a deal breaker. It took me 1.5 years to realize that and I was told that on day 1 when I got here. But you know what that was okay because each of us will do what we can when we can.

Yes it’s scary in the beginning but it does get better. It gets better when you go forth and heal thyself. No person or thing on this planet is responsible for your happiness. YOU are responsible for your own happiness. Others can add or detract from it with their actions but no one controls it but you. So it will take some doing but reprogram your thinking. You are responsible for your own happiness so take control of yourself and go find it. Whether it’s 2 committed people trying to R or D you will be okay. The pain does stop eventually, this won’t hurt forever. You will always remember but whether it becomes a great tragedy in your life or another life lesson that you learn from and become a better person for it is completely up to you.

If we had avatars on here mine would be Charlie Brown. I tried my hardest to keep kicking that football before I finally decided I had enough. Two years ago today I was behind a closed door in my office at work a sniffling emotional wreck. Today things are great and I am a completely different person. I am healthy, have a better relationship with my children, meet new people, have confidence again, and enjoy life in general which is something I didn’t even realize I hadn’t been doing for years. If I can make it out to the other side so can you. I wish you all the best and the last line in this post will be a simple heartfelt thank you to everyone on this site that has helped me reach this point and to bring it full circle…I feel like such a winner!

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:50 AM, May 24th (Friday)]

Congrats! This is such an inspiring post to read.

Your WS’s detached form you long ago when they had the A. By detaching yourself you put yourself on somewhat even emotional footing. They broke the emotional bond they had with you and you need to break that old emotional bond you have with them. That old bond is you holding on to the old M. The old M is dead they killed it with the A but some of us do have the chance to build a new M if you choose to do so. Detaching gives you the ability to form a new bond with your WS from a place of semi-calmness.

This is such a hard concept to accept, but it's so true. This is why everything feels so unfair...the feeling of injustice.

What was the turning point for you? How far along after DDay did you start to detach and how long do you think it took for you to be successful at that? What are some good tips to remember when you are trying to do this?

I needed to read this today. Thank you for sharing.

I am glad to see you doing so well.

Sometimes these lessons are learned the very hard way and definitely not the way we planned. But, you are there and you feel great, that is what counts.

Go out and live your life and I wish you all the best.

Thanks Tired girl. You actually were big in helping me heal. You swung one of the first accurate 2X4's that got me going. I posted in the BS questions for WS thread asking about WS compartmentalization or something like that and your response was simple and to the point. It stuck. It hurt to read but it was truth and exactly what I needed to hear and I finally started to "get it".

NewMOM, I fought and fought against what was right in front of me to the point that I left SI for a year and came back once I realized I was in false R. I had some pretty bad codependancy issues to deal with. The turning point for me was when I burnt myself out trying to fix my WW instead of fixing myself. I just couldn't do it anymore. It took a year for me to get there. That was just me though and I tend to be stubborn and had a lot of FEAR in me.

Honestly I could have started detaching about 3 months after DDay when the initial shock and denial started to die down but I was to scared to do it. There was nothing different about my state of mind at that time then 9 months after then. I just decided to do it and I messed up plenty of times but I just kept starting up again until it stuck. The fear of the unknown was now less than the fear I had of being miserable in a broken M. SO I decided to work on the only thing I could control and it was me. I got back into IC, started posting and actually listening to the advice, and read Codependant No More and Love Must Be Tough. It's true the craziness ends when you end it. I just wanted it to end.

As for a tip, the thing that helped me the most was I made a list of things to do. Some big things and lots of small things that I wanted to do for myself and with my kids. I then forced myself to do at least one thing on the list everyday until it felt normal. It wasn't even a 180 to start it was just trying to keep busy but it turned into a 180 and detachment. It took about a month for it to sink in and probably 3 months or so before I felt really detached.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:49 AM, May 24th (Friday)]

Well that sounds like me I am glad that it helped. You sound like you are doing well and I am sure you are going to do great in your new life.

Maybe I should learn to pad some of those 2 x 4's

Awesome post! Good for you!

Great post. I'm so happy for you

Thanks for posting