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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Rules
huRtZ413
♀ Member
Member # 39214
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After deciding to R what were some guideline set for the both of you to prevent another A or a RA?



me_BW
him_WH


I'M ON THE FENCE



Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2013
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you feeling like you want to have a RA?


Me43 Him 43 Hardlessons DS 24,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3663 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
huRtZ413
♀ Member
Member # 39214
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can't say it wasn't a thought shortly after D day , but no I do not want to have a RA but WH is fearful of it



me_BW
him_WH


I'M ON THE FENCE



Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2013
Knowing
♀ Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We can takes steps to recover from the A, go to IC & MC, getting support on SI and IRL, but as far as "prevention" goes, the WS has to be willing to do the work of finding out why they had an A in order to prevent themselves from doing it again.


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 697 | Registered: Oct 2012
losingmyground
♀ Member
Member # 36070
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. NC ever with his MOW.
2. No friendships of the opposite sex that make the other spouse feel uncomfortable. No matter how long the friendship.
3. Open access from both parties on email, facebook, phones etc. Any changes without notification is the same as starting up all over again. Major deal breaker for me.
4. COMMUNICATION IS A MUST. Get it off your chest ASAP. Letting it linger only brings about bad feelings which can lead to bad actions.
5. Listen without getting defensive.
6. Any texts/calls must returned ASAP, within reason, by both spouses.


Married 13 yrs
3 kids 13, 10 & 1
I'm 34
FWH 37
Affair lasted 6 months
Ended 09/2011
Found out 06/2012
My father died during the affair
In the middle of Reconcilliation

Posts: 291 | Registered: Jul 2012
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To the above, I added 'IC with a goal of changing the thoughts and feelings that supported the A to ones that support being a great partner.'

I urge you to go for a great M. That'll be a lot more joyful and satisfying than a relationship in which your WS just doesn't cheat again.


FBH (me) - 65+, FWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together almost 49 (as of January, 2014)
DDay - 12/2010
Almost Recovered
I share my own experience not because I'm a good model but because it's the only experience I know.

Posts: 8917 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
ladya
♀ Member
Member # 29184
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely NC with the OW.
No female friends-NONE
No flirting
No more long days at work
Treat me with respect-always
Marriage counseling
Spend time with me
Make me feel special
Marriage retreat
Full disclosure (that one took over 2 years)
Full transparency

I'm sure there were more because I literally had a list. :)


Me:BS married 29 yrs.
5 kids

Time really does heal.
EA D-Day May 2008
PA D-Day May 7,2010 (same A)


Posts: 882 | Registered: Jul 2010
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Listen without getting defensive.

It's also advisable to get WS input during any/all BOUNDARIES discussions, so they don't bitch about being "controlled" or being treated like a child.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2113 | Registered: Jun 2009
Topic Posts: 8

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