SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

ok, here goes... and I apologize up front if this seems a little all over the place.

Back in 2007 I found out my husband was having an affair with our neighbor, next door.

She and hubby had been friends since before I met them both. She was going through a divorce and my husband was her shoulder.

Let me insert here that when my husband and I got married in 2003, this woman stood up with me at our wedding. I considered her a very close friend, if not a best friend, and shared a whole lot about my life.

I started getting suspicious when my husband was over at their house every single night. Sitting by their pool and drinking with both the neighbor and her husband. (Her (ex)husband thinks my husband is his best friend.)

I began to get uneasy and start to voice my concerns. In a nutshell, I got laughed at. And told by both of them that I was "paranoid" and that they were "just friends" - "like brother and sister".

As the months went on and our relationship began to deteriorate, I began to investigate further. Looking at emails, messages and phone calls on his phone.

One night I found solid proof in emails that there was more going on than what they were saying. I felt vindicated and devastated all at once.

I had the presence of mind to forward every email I found to my personal email account and still have them to this day.

They both played the deny deny deny game for a long time. But my husband never stopped his behavior. He was drinking heavily and on Chantix at the time. It made him crazy.

He would scream at me, the kids until, one night, after catching him again over at their house, he blew up and told me he wanted a divorce.

To shorten the story a bit, he OFFERED to let the neighbor serve me the divorce papers. She declined... but her HUSBAND said he would do it, "Since she hates me anyway." (They had been filling his head with lies about how I hated him, so he would stay away from me. Because I threatened to let him in on what they were doing. They were desperate to keep he and I apart.)

after months of a roller coaster ride of emotions, he wanted me, he wanted her, he wanted me etc, we decided to give counseling a try. (I had wanted that from the beginning and he refused.)

I was still gathering more emails and phone calls and saving them.

The counselor pretty much said what you guys have wrote here. That if he truly wanted to make it work he had to give up the other woman and cut all ties. Husband was having NONE of that. He said he would NEVER give up that friendship.

We live RIGHT next door to each other. I have to see her every single day of my life.

We stopped going when my husband deemed us "cured" and that we didn't need to go anymore. (We couldn't afford it.)

Over the years since, we have had our ups and downs. I have caught the other woman literally running out of her house when my husband got home, or waiting by her back door so she could "stop him just to ask him a question."

I have blown up about this many many times. I have even told this woman via email to stay the hell away from my family.

Fast forward to Wednesday May 22nd. I went home to grab my lunch that I had forgotten to take to work. I live minutes away from where I work.

All the way home I kept thinking about what I would do if I found him over at her house.I just had a feeling he was.

I backed in the driveway and went in the house and called for him and sure enough, he was not there.

I walked to the back of the house and what do I see? Him RUNNING from the neighbor's house to our back gate to let himself in. He was trying to make it to our garden on the side of the house so he could "pretend" to be looking at the garden. (We have two.)

Now let me interject here- my husband does NOT have a job, he is home all day every day. Until recently it has been "alone". But since my oldest is home from college now he isn't alone anymore and there are eyes there to watch what is going on. She happened to be gone on this day, overnight at someone else's house.

I caught him red handed. And asked him what the hell!?

He immediately started lying and telling me he was looking at the garden (on the other side of the house, the driveway side, we have two.)

I called him a liar and asked him if I needed to go next door and ask the home wrecking slut over there if he was there. He told me that he was "just standing at her back door since she called out to him when he was looking at the garden." so he went and talked to her.

I was furious. I was shaking. I was seeing red. I had rather loud words for him (that I hoped she overhead) and told him I had had ENOUGH.

He said she was just asking him how he was doing (he had been in the hospital and had two stents put in his heart because of overeating and poor diet and no exercise.)

She had even had the BALLS to call me and ask me to "keep her informed" on how MY husband was!

I don't know what to do. I am really lost.

I had went back to work feeling like he was going to go running right back next door.

I had the next day off and, while he was napping, his phone went off and it was her. I have a suspicion that she thought I still worked on Thursdays and that it would be safe to call.

I confronted him while it was still ringing and told him I should answer it. He said go ahead. It stopped before I had the chance.

I ALMOST called her back on his phone and asked her what the hell she wanted, and to STOP calling his phone. But I didn't.

I was waiting to see if she was stupid enough to to leave a message. She did not.

I am having a horrible time. He apologized and told me that he should have just walked right out in the open when I backed in the driveway so I could see him.

I told him this was all his doing. That every time he talks to her it is ripping the scab off a wound for me that has NEVER healed. It's cutting deeper every single time.

I really don't know what to do. I don't want to get divorced. But I want him to STOP talking to her. (If, as he says, nothing is going on. Which is hard for me to believe now.)

I am more confused than ever.

Between us, we have five children. His, mine and ours, blended family.

We have made it through so much to just piss everything away.

This year will be our 10th anniversary.

I am just so lost.

If there is any way possible....MOVE. Then figure out the next step.

Sucks that she is next door I don't know how would handle it but from what you wrote you seem pretty strong . I would consider moving ! Sale it all because its all materialistic at least that would be me . Seems like he is hiding something and your having to convince yourself to believe him. I don't know what to tell you other than I wish you didn't have to feel this way . You can control his actions but you can set boundaries and stick to them . As bad as it hurts you have to be willing to follow through ones the boundaries are set and crossed . Mean everything you say or you will become a door mat knowing you will stay and put up with it . Kids aside does he make you happy ? Do you feel he really loves you and what has he done to improve your relationship . To be honest it should be much easier to let go of the " friendship" then he is making it to be if he cared about your emotional state there would be no questions asked . My WS never had no more than the initial contact during the ONS so there wasn't much he had to give up but even then he gave up other distractions like addicting games that kept his attention and has opened himself to be interviewed is straightforward . I wish I didn't have to hurt but I can say I feel lucky in a sense that my WH is honest even when he knows it will hurt even when he knows I could leave he realizes I deserve nothing less than the truth and shows respect in that way which I why I stayed because everyone makes mistakes but not many are willing to own them and place blame or hide things I only wish in that sense the all WS were more like my WH because at least he would give them the truth and full disclosure . Best wishes keep your head up focus on yourself .

Go see an attorney. Find outyour rights. See if you can have your name removed off all joint debts. Then Move. Make a home for your children only. Let him worry about his children. Expose them To everyone who knows them both even the x husband & all the children. Think on you& what u need to survive do things for you. 180 his ass! The saying here at SI is that you have to be willing to lose the M to save it. If there is any chance to R later make it on your terms including the sale of that home where he won't be around her. You are worth more than this. You matter.

So you've been married almost 10 years, and he's been sleeping with the neighbor for at least 6 years now. It's worked for him so far, and he convinced you to bury it all those years ago when you first found out about it, so why change now?

He's been having this affair with her for more than half your marriage. You've let him do it for the past 6 years. Why would he want to stop? You've basically thrust your head in the sand and allowed him to continue contact (and let's be honest, he's still having sex with her) for 6 years. What's his motivation to stop? He has you both, he told the counselor he wanted you both, and he's livin the dream right now.

Why haven't you two moved? Why have you allowed this to continue while thrusting your head in the sand and pretending it's all ok? What makes it not ok any longer? Why do you want a guy who would see the pain you went through years ago, and continue to screw the neighbor for years afterward?

I'm SO sorry you are here sisu, I really am. What's different this time though?

I'm sorry. I am not up on all the lingo yet. I read the list (have it up in another tab, actually, just to make heads or tails of what people are saying.) But what is "180"? *feeling kinda dumb right now*

sisu...so very sorry for the pain you are in. I agree with the others that he is still having sex with her. If he really loved you and wanted to be in a committed relationship with you, he would avoid the OW like the plague. He would have put the house on the market and move his family away. Instead he just keeps on fucking your neighbor year after year and you tolerate it. When I read your story, I had an image come into my mind of the two of them laughing at you and him telling her not to worry about anything because he can control you. AND HE DOES!!!! He isn't going to change because he doesn't have to. All he has to do is tolerate your temporary tantrum and keep fucking the home wrecker next door. He knows that you aren't going anywhere and you won't do anything about it. To him listening to a little yelling from you is worth the sex he gets from her. He gets to keep both of you. It is a win-win for him and the whore.

[This message edited by BaldwinBeauty59 at 12:41 PM, May 24th (Friday)]

Put a VAR in various rooms of your house when you go to work. See if you can catch them having sex,or maybe talking. Then make copies and walk over there and hand them to her husband.

He is fucking her and you.

Time to out this whore to her husband,find your bitch boots,and kick some fucking ass.

^^ This!

And add kick his ass to the curb. Now! Reality goes a long way...

(Sisu). The 180 is not hard enough for this situation. Bitch boots dear, pull em up high. We'll be your support. Do it now please, for you!

Okay- not defending the other woman here.

But she IS divorced. She has no husband. Just mine, it seems. She has been divorced for years now.

And some of you are telling me to "180" him (whatever that means, I still didn't get an answer to my question.) and others are telling me to leave him.

Do I think they are sleeping with each other? I am not so sure they are.

Do I want to out the dirty little C&^% to the world? Yes. Yes I do.

Do I want to end my marriage? No, not really.

I am still trying to sort shit out.

Although I agree the 180 will not suffice, it might help you detach and get clear-headed about what is happening.

the 180: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

((sisu))

First, I am sorry you are here, it sucks.

I agree with doesitgetbetter

So you've been married almost 10 years, and he's been sleeping with the neighbor for at least 6 years now. It's worked for him so far, and he convinced you to bury it all those years ago when you first found out about it, so why change now?

You are angry with the home wrecker next door...you need to redirect that rage to the man who promised to love honor and cherish you....he is an asshole and essentially getting away with whatever he wants.

your husband made his choice, and according to your actions you have accepted it.

The counselor pretty much said what you guys have wrote here. That if he truly wanted to make it work he had to give up the other woman and cut all ties. Husband was having NONE of that. He said he would NEVER give up that friendship.

I would read up on the 180, let him know this is no loner acceptable. If you need bitch boots many of us own them....you deserve better than this and it makes me sad that somewhere along your path in life you decided you weren't worth it...

You are, you need to see that.

sisu, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this nightmare.

But, as an outsider looking in here's my two cents worth.

Your husband has no intention of giving up the OW, you are living in a version of "Big Love".

He's been hiding, lying, cheating and deceiving for most of your marriage, and given his reactions, this isn't likely to stop any time soon, ever.

He has everything he wants right now, you working and running the home, and the neighbour over the fence for the excitement. I bet he thinks he's so smart hopping from one house to the other, what a man,

I'd definitely implement the 180, but that's for you honey, to make you stronger and better able to make decisions for your future.

For him, I'd wait until he's out of the house next, stuff his clothes and toiletries into rubbish bags and throw them over the fence to the neighbour's.

If they can't stay apart, let them have at it, you deserve better. Moving won't solve it unless you put some serious distance between them. If he agrees to NC properly, then moving is essential.

On a side note honey, is this really the fight you want to have for the rest of your life? What are you actually getting out of the relationship with him, other than stress and anguish?

As much as I wish for your sake that he would have an epiphany and treat you like his Queen, chances are this is who he is.

Definitely see a Lawyer, find out what position you're in. Take full control of your finances if you don't already do so, I see from your post that your the only earner between you, and get strong.

You don't have to live this kind of life, you want and deserve better, your kids deserve better, only you can make it happen. Hugs honey.

UGH this sucks.

I have no money to get out. I have no place to go with my kids and my animals if I went.

We live in HIS childhood home. He bought it from his parents when they retired.

My name isn't even on the mortgage.

Oh one hand you all make me feel like there is nothing- absolutely nothing salvageable in all of this. And to kick his ass to the curb. It isn't that easy!

Trust me, I am one strong bitch. I went through a physically and emotionally abusive marriage before.

I know you all are calling me every kind of fool. I see it. I really do!

I would like to move, GOD! I have dreamed of it for who knows how long now. Years!

I want a twenty foot tall fence built between our houses.

I want to never have to see that slutty bitches' face ever again.

But most of all I want my husband back! I want what we had when we met.

But I am just being foolish, I know.

But sitting here with no way out and no end in sight.

Hurray for us piss poor folks who can't afford to do diddly squat. A part time job gets me no where.

You are not a fool!! Just hurting. It is always easier for others to give advice than to take it. Maybe that is the real blessing of a place like SI. Outsiders can sometimes see what we can't. Maybe you just need time to be able to see a way out.

I think you hold more of the cards than you think you do. If he doesn't work how would he support himself if you left? Maybe it's time he got some shock and awe!!

sisu,

I am so sorry you are here. But it's the BEST place to be if you want something different in your life from today forward.

NONE of this is easy. Hell, if it was SI wouldn't be here.

I am also sorry that you have had many new phrases thrown at you all at once. You will learn them all. And it's just that we so, so want to help YOU! To avoid a lot of the pit falls that many of us have gone thru.

But most of all I want my husband back! I want what we had when we met

. Unfortunately this, in all probability will never happen. It's something we all have wanted. That being said, it does NOT mean that you can't get thru this, and have the life you want.

Your H does NOT want anything to change, AT ALL. And why would he? He has hood-winked you for years, she's still the oh-so-available bitchface, and he feels like such a king to have 2 gals fighting over him.

Although you may not be rollin' in the dough and can't move right now YOU can 180 his ass!!!! Kids and finances only. No meals, no laundry, no fun times with sisu!

We have another saying here "It stops when YOU say it stops".

So....how bad do you want it to stop??

YOU can do this. And we are here to help guide you, if you wish.

Sending strength.

We have made it through so much to just piss everything away.

What is it that you have together? Trust, happiness, security, respect?

When I had to finally make the decision after he was back with her, I instead looked at my present and future, and stopped looking at my past.

Sisu, do you know what sisu means? The Finnish concept of sisu? If you do, then I hope you're not simply sucking up the pain, the abuse, the disrespect, the betrayal, the bald-faced lying and all the other crap out of some misplaced notion of perseverance and a reluctance to complain about things.

You have plenty to complain about, sweetie. The problem is, complaining isn't going to get you anywhere in this situation. You can storm and rage and bleed your heart out in front of your WH, and he simply doesn't care at this point. He's got what he wants, which is his accommodating wife working, taking care of the house, and a cozy family unit for your blended family. And he's also got his friendly piece of ass on the side, which he doesn't even have to go far for. He's literally got it made. The flimsiest excuses are offered, and while there might be a bit blowback for him now and then, basically everything stays the same. He has no motivation to change. In fact, he probably justifies the entire fucked up situation to himself with basically this line of reasoning: "Sisu knows full well what's going on here. She can't really believe the ridiculous lies I come up with each and every time she catches me in my next indiscretion. She knows it's been going on for years. So at some level she's willing to accept it. Therefore, I'm not really doing anything wrong."

This ends when you end it. You don't really want to D, but at this point your alternative is to be in a three-way relationship with a lying, cake-eating, blame-shifting scumbag. It's not fair, and I'm sorry about that. But it is what it is.

I strongly second the advice to talk to a lawyer - like yesterday - and find out what your rights are. Take things one step at a time, but put your ducks in a row starting today. You may never actually sign those divorce papers, but believe me, you'd be much better off informing yourself of how that would play out should you decide to go there.

You are most definitely not a fool. You are a loving married mother with a husband who is a selfish ass hat.

Cut him off financially. Go see an attorney and find out what rights you have. It is possible this doesn't go all the way to divorce, but seriously, do you want to be in a three way with neighborwhore?

This guy needs the shit scared out of him to release his head from his ass.

You are worth so much more that what he's handing you. I'd give him to her, she won't want him without your income.

Pull up your bitch boots! We know it's hard! Believe us!! But do it to save yourself, he will get it or won't, and if not, do you really want him like this?

You are more than capable. ((sisu))