Now, my H works for a non-profit and I am a SAHM, but my H has $$$ socked away from an inheritance and he has been kind enough to agree to "lend" B $$. We are currently picking up all their IC and MC bills - so 3 appointments a week total that their insurance doesn't cover - and we are paying their mortgage because B said he will end up in forclosure if we can't help because he can't control her spending. There is a cap on how much we are willing to "lend", which B is aware of, but once we reach that number he is on his own.
So - our agreement with B is currently verbal. Their house is on the market and he said he'd pay us back when it sells. SIL has said she isn't "comfortable" agreeing to pay us back so B says it will all come out of his share of the equity. I told him I really strenuously objected to him allowing himself to be screwed like this, but we have always been close and he begged, so I gave in.
Now, it looks like B will be loosing his job next week due to a "workforce reduction". He already has another job lined up, but it is in a different state. He told me yesterday that if he does loose his job, he is going to move to new state and let his stbx stay in the house until it sells.
The problem? I am currently paying the mortage on that house and SIL has said she won't be responsible to pay me back. I don't know if I can force myself to pay for the roof over her head when he won't even be living there. B is afraid of getting his credit trashed and that have a DS2 who will loose his home. She has said she will just let the bank take it if I don't continue to pay.
This is all second hand from my B - I have paid thousands of dollars worth of their bills and she hasn't called, written, txt, nothing. Oh, and she opened her own account and is squirrling away $$$.
So - am I being an ass if I tell him I won't lend him any more $$ if she won't agree to pay back her half? I don't want to see my nephew hurt, seeing what my brother is going through is killing me, but damn I really hate that biotch right now. He refuses to get a lawyer because she said if he does will make up false domestic abuse charges against him and he's terrified she means it. I told him if he gets an L first it takes away her power but he is too scared to do anything, and he thinks if he keeps towing the line she will decide to take him back.
I don't feel right contributing to this mess. But I am also not sure it is is right of me to take away my financial support because I don't approve of his decisions (mostly no L).
"They cling to their bad choices out of shame, because it is far easier to continue to destroy yourself than to do the heavy work required to fix yourself." - a wiser SIer
He needs to see a lawyer to find out his rights. If you keep paying, you're just throwing good money after bad. If you're wealthy and don't care about not seeing the money again, you could keep it up, but otherwise my advice would be to stop the "loan."
Married: 11 years, no kids
The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo
1) get a bank account in his name only and transfer his direct deposit and 1/2 of any cash they have
2) remove her as an authorized user from all of his credit cards
3) Remove himself as a authorized user from all of her credit cards
4) hire a realtor and sell the house as if, for a loss if he has to.
Then YOU need to stop paying his bills! They make $150K!! If his credit gets trashed then so be it -- he contributed to the problem if they make that much money and he cannot even pay his OWN mortgage! And guess what? Credit can be repaired over time. It actually goes faster than you realize (my credit was horrible after X left, now I have great credit)
I honestly cannot tell if his WW is scamming him, or he is scamming you, or both. But both of them need to be cut off. And I hate to tell you this, but you may never see that money again.
We are not wealthy - but I am also not dumb and knew there was a good chance I would never see the $$$ again. If it is for my little bro it sucks, but I am OK with it. My STBXSIL? That is starting to piss me off. He just refuses to open his eyes and see her for what she is. I don't think she's necessarily evil, although it's a definately possibility. I think she is seriously mentally ill, for a number or reasons (including her family history of mental illness). Regardless of what the issue is, though, he continues to give her all the power in their relationship. Bottom line is, he won't take any of my advice and I have no control over any of that.
What I do have control over is whether or not H and I have to cut him off financially. Intellectually I know it's the right thing to do. But my heart tells me he is hurting and I have to do what I can to help him. I was just wondering if anyone here would say "I had to borrow from relatives but I didn't want to hear their advice". I feel like if I say no at this point almost like I'm trying to control him? Like he can't have my help if I don't agree with his choices?
Infidelity and it's ripple effect really suck.
At some point you have to ask yourself if you are enabling or helping.