The A with COW was because I "didn't give him the attention he needs." Because I am working so much, because he likes a lifestyle we can't afford.
He also had an A with a MOW while we were just newly dating. That A was "because of DS" who was 7 at the time. Now, he didn't break up with me. Just chose to have an A with a married woman on his tennis team. And broke up their marriage...
But he says he won't cheat now as long as I keep doing what I'm doing. Yay for me and the "pick me" dance.
When I confronted him in 2010 he told me that he cheated because in 1992 when we were building our new house I told him he couldn't have the roof line he wanted because it was too expensive (+$10k).
My other major crime was that I once criticised his driving when his mother was in the car. I think this may have also been in the early 1990s.
Wow. I was SUCH a bitch.
ETA: Silly me. I almost forgot the nail in the coffin. He told OW1 a few weeks after dday that he cheated because he didn't like the shows I liked to watch on TV. (He used to watch what HE wanted on the other TV but I guess that doesn't count). He also neglected to mention to her that because I worked fulltime and took care of the kids and the house and the bills and the shopping I only had time to watch a few hours of TV a week.
[This message edited by Laura28 at 7:32 AM, May 25th (Saturday)]
My personal favorite in the long, long, long list of why it's not XH's fault:
My friend G. was at our house too much (dinner, 1 night a month. And ... XH is friends w/her as well)
Got all the classics, too: not enough attention, controlling, sex, blah, blah, blah.
I just don't pay any attention to him and ignore him.
He works 12 hour days. Has a 1 hour commute both ways, makes 14 hours. Has a 15 min to 30 minute shift change conference, makes 15 hours. Comes home, showers, eats, sits on couch to watch t.v. and sleeps until time for bed (2 hours). Wants sex after not paying any attention to me at all. Then sleeps for 6 hours before he gets up to get ready for work (1 hour) again. He works 5-6 days a week and on his days off, he sits on the computer or is outside in the garage all day until evening where it is a replay of the work evenings. Some days we don't even exchange 10 sentences. Of course all conversation is him telling me things as I have been told through the years an extensive list of things that are none of my business so I can not bring them up in conversation, work, his friends, his work friends, etc. I am also not supposed to follow him out to the garage because then I am "following him around".
eta: And if I am not sitting next to him on the couch (watching whatever junk he wants to watch) when he wakes up every so many times, then I am ignoring him again. I used to go get on the computer and mess around, but he hated that as he was all alone.
[This message edited by purplebreeze at 10:29 AM, May 25th (Saturday)]
So, raise your hand if it's all your fault!
Oh, it's definitely her fault, too - but I must accept my role in ruining their marriage. My head is spinning just typing that...
"You were too suspicious"
Then he stopped and said, "I guess you had a right to be"
What a load of bullshit!!! I do know now that it WAS NOT my fault in any way, shape, or form. It was al on him. Fucker.
"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."
The doozy though:
"When I was working such long hours you didn't seem to mind so I kept doing it. That is why we drifted apart".
Yes - its my fault for being a tolerant and supportive wife. For allowing him to put his career ahead of me, our marriage and our family.
Not because he wasn't actually 'working' anything but his smaller than average weenis around a bunch of losers.
Douchebag. The only part of this that is my fault is the length of time I tolerated it and pretended it wasn't happening. The rest is all you.
Honestly though, he pointed out some good things that we needed to work on together.
He wasn't immediately able to take responsibility for the fact that I was in the same shitty marriage and did not choose to cheat. In fact, there was a guy at work who made it clear he was interested and I asked him to no longer come to my office to chat (I was his boss...we could talk in the open main office area only with others around).
His criticisms that were ridiculous: the weight thing (I was pregnant and nursing)
that I was mean
(I was mean because I asked him about his online porn expenditures and he felt that it was none of my business)
I was a terrible cook (always have been, still am, don't care)
I was never home (I worked 12 hour days, would get food to cook on the way home because I knew he would eat it everything while I was at work, cook eat, eat with him, clean up (all while holding the baby) then he would take a shower and leave to go drinking and come back around 5 am when I left to go to work)
Things that were true and that I did work to fix:
I had grown to hate him and I needed to focus on the good, which I did and feelings of love returned
I stopped being so angry
I started communicating
I stopped avoiding arguments just because I was scared of him
and you know what? The healthier I got, the worse he got and he self destructed completely.
So, the marriage problems were half my fault....mostly that I chose to marry the wrong person to begin with, but the cheating that was him
[This message edited by luvedmypbear at 9:02 AM, May 27th (Monday)]
Since infidelity is also a crime against your children in my view, I'd say just agree with with them about your being a shitty spouse, and then just follow it up with, "So then, what did the kids do to push you to your A? They deserve to know how they should change as well if they want to keep both parents around, no?"
Love this quote FP. Our first MC was dropped after 3 visits because I couldn't tell that he thought my wife had done anything wrong. Our second (and current) MC started our meeting by telling my wife, in a kind voice, that not only did she betray me, but our children as well. And my wife immediately agreed with her! That's when I knew we'd found a keeper.
The person who steps outside of their marriage is to blame, period. Anyone who says otherwise is full of shit.
One of the things I did that forced him to have an affair after being married for 10 years was the fact that I bought diningroom furniture a year after we got married.
Clearly this is justification for any man to cheat on his wife with an infant at home. Duh.
[This message edited by thisisterrible at 10:00 PM, May 27th (Monday)]