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User Topic: Raise Your Hand If It's All Your Fault
courageouscat
♀ Member
Member # 34298
Default  Posted: 12:28 AM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Raisin' my hand over here! I just heard tonight that it's all my fault...that he wouldn't have done what he did if it weren't for me. I even got the old "if I were with her I wouldn't do these things"....so much for recovery.


ME - 50 something
WH - 50 something
Kids - 3 boys, Adult, Teen, Teen
Married - 26 years
Together - 29 years
EA 10/11 -12/11; 100% NC 1/18/11

Posts: 113 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Out in the big wide open
Kalliopeia
♀ Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 12:36 AM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's my fault because I got mad about being cheated on and I was so upset I drove him away and that was why he cheated.

owait.

He wants to get back together now, but I have to calm down cause I drove him from me before with my anger over being cheated on and that is why he cheated.

chicken
egg
ftg


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
Nogoingback
♀ Member
Member # 38712
Default  Posted: 12:42 AM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was more or less told this soon after DDay - or at least that it was a problem with our relationship, rather than her...

Why are you acting like we had such a good relationship? It wasn't perfect! (no shit)

When was the last time you were happy? (ummmm.. about a month before you cheated on me and were still acting normal?)

We're miserable together! (that's because I just found out you cheated on me, dipshit)

I didn't feel like you loved me during your pregnancy.
(multiply that by a million and you may get some idea of how I felt)

You were obsessed with the pregnancy! (no I was excited about it and wanted to talk about it occasionally, and I wasn't in denial)

Your diet was so boring
(trying not to get listeria and not drinking alcohol... yeah stupid pregnancy diet ruined everything)

and many other stupid comments

[This message edited by Nogoingback at 1:05 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)]


BS 33
WS 31
together 10 years
DD 4/8/2011
EA/PA with co-worker while I was pregnant
Trying to reconcile

"Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim." Nora Ephron


Posts: 66 | Registered: Mar 2013
lostmommy
♀ Member
Member # 33440
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yup, it's all my fault too. 1. Together for 14 years, some of those years were a long distance relationship and he said he couldn't talk to me because I was unaproachable.

2. I didn't understand him.

3. We had nothing in common.

4. He said our wedding day was the last day he was happy with me.

5. Recently said he was living in an abusive household. I guess asking him to help my parents (since we lived in their house rent free) was abusive!

6. He said that he got me pregnant with J as a way to fix our marriage. It amazes me that those words ever came out of his mouth.


Me (BS): 32, Mommy to J: 2 1/2 Divorced: 4/10/13
Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere, and sometimes, in the middle of nowhere, you find yourself

Posts: 485 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: NY
HeartInADustpan
♀ Member
Member # 38341
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My fault because I didn't give our DS a bath every night "forcing" him to do it.

Yeah...


Just call me Heart. :)
Reconciling
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" ~Mark Twain

Posts: 379 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Y'all will most likely come after me with pitchforks and fire when I confess the reason I caused Daffy to cheat with the COW...

After an 18-month search for a house, I said, upon unpacking box number 328, "I am never ever moving again. EVER!" This caused Daffy to feel trapped and to seek greener pastures in the next cubicle.

<insert guilty, ashamed icon here>


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Fleury
♀ Member
Member # 24185
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sure it is all my fault. The fact that he has been abso-freaking-lutely miserable for 25 years.

Yep, he had a A...my fault, he lost his job....my fault, he is an alcoholic...my fault.

Every last minute of every last day is all my fault.


What have I done to deserve this life?

Posts: 378 | Registered: May 2009
Kalliopeia
♀ Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

that box 328 is a well known cheat instigator.

what. were. you. thinking.


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
Vulcanized
♀ Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another one, I forgot. Before I even met XH, I'd been a go-go dancer. He just sat on it, waiting for over 7 years to justify his A.


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 733 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
brokenandconfuse
♀ Member
Member # 39381
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get the subliminal messages.

He says it is his fault, but then says if I would have given him more attention, been more loving, and wanted more sex he wouldn't have been forced to have an affair with someone he didn't love. I am still at that, " I think it is my fault, I didn't want to have sex with him. He was a drunken abusive jerk who forced sex on me and I told him once that he should have married a whore because I obviously couldn't satisfy him" I can't seem to let the guilt go that it is my fault.


2DS, 2DD
BS-Me 32
WH-Him 43
DDay-All 14 years of our relationship. 3PA's, 3 one night stands, and 6 EA's and still counting as we go. Gained enough strength to face it 11/2012

Getting Divorced


Posts: 101 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
brokenandconfuse
♀ Member
Member # 39381
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, May 30th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to add:

He says he cheated because of:

*his own insecurities-which are?

*not enough, attention, sex, and love

*I lost weight, therefore I must be having an affair

*He thought that I was going to leave him

*He thought that I outgrew him and he wasn't good enough anymore

*sex is a need and he needed it

*he deserved it

*he already messed up his life, so why not


2DS, 2DD
BS-Me 32
WH-Him 43
DDay-All 14 years of our relationship. 3PA's, 3 one night stands, and 6 EA's and still counting as we go. Gained enough strength to face it 11/2012

Getting Divorced


Posts: 101 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
NewMom0220
♀ Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump- so newbies can see the myriad of reasons Waywards use to justify their bad coping mechanisms. It's not your fault that your partner cheated. Stay strong peeps.


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 329 | Registered: Apr 2013
myperfectlife
♀ Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He told me I was a bad mom and that's why he wanted a divorce (he denied OW at that time).
In his defense, he actually totally regretted saying that and that it was NOT true at all.
"You're a bad mom" means "I met someone else".
I need to remember that translation for future relationships.
I don't think he ever tried to blame the actual affair on me, but did say that he wasn't happy at the time-and admitted he did very little to change it himself.
So, a mixed bag for me.


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
ArableSands
♂ Member
Member # 39830
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Count me in. Two weeks after discovery the remorse ends and she's angry all the time from what *I* did. Sure, I own what I did to my marriage, but I think it's obvious now she's doing this so she doesn't have to focus on the damage she's done. That she stepped out and CHEATED.

Posts: 224 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Vancouver, Canada
DecadeCentrifuge
♂ New Member
Member # 39406
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was all because I...

...spent too much time playing games with my friends.

...thought that other people were attractive (celebs, comic book characters (I am a nerd)) so she felt unwanted.

...didn't show love like a normal person.


Me: BH - Happily Remarried, but dealing with old stuff

I'm losing my mind in a bedroom with a ghost
and I'm losing my mind in a bottle while I choke
I stayed years with you, no one knows (but I want them to).
Thought Industry


Posts: 44 | Registered: May 2013
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yuuuuuup!

Reason #1: "we did a great job isolating me all of these years"

We were grad students. Our job was to be isolated and do our work. I never stopped him from going out. In fact, I thought it was weird he DIDN'T go out for a guys night ever.

Also, we did this year long-distance when he got his new job so he could settle into the position and finish his dissertation in the evenings without the distraction of me and our dog. When he became friends with OW, I never complained. In fact, I used to suggest he call her to carpool to the grocery store on the weekends. I'm such a chump.

#2: "you're the reason my dissertation isn't done"

See long-distance explanation above-- he was *supposed* to do it this year in the evenings after work.

My reply to this was that he had evidently been using his evenings for something else in my absence. That shut him up.

#3: "we're just fiscally incompatible"

We still had separate accounts. We even maintained separate food shopping bills because he was so fussy about his diet. If I "borrowed" money from him (used his card for something), I kept a tab and would "pay him back." We only shared costs on things like the car, which went 50/50.

I paid off my student loans while in grad school. I have two credit card bills that are high but manageable and could be paid off within a few months, if needed.

He has credit card debt in excess of 40k. He has student loans in excess of 100k.

I took a second job to help pay off my credit cards this summer (had to quit because OW worked there). He complained that I was only thinking of myself by trying to pay down my debt and not his.

... oh, and he also said I should have bought fewer dresses for work and used that money to buy a plane ticket to go visit *his* family more often.

I can't even.


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, July 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not, because he wasn't actually 'working' anything but his smaller than average weenis around a bunch of losers.

Did we marry the same man??


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2007 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
LittleRussian
♀ New Member
Member # 36658
Default  Posted: 2:58 AM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, all my fault too. I don't understand his emotional needs apparently. I doubt he understands mine either but I haven't felt the need to pimp myself all over the internet.


Me - mid 40s
Him WH - slightly younger
1 teenager
2 preteens (and don't I know it!)

Posts: 16 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
Grace and Flowers
♀ Member
Member # 34431
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm here too!

I wouldn't get on his motorcycle, because he drives like a rage-filled idiot.

And the big one? He was in a band 30+ years ago. When we were young, and I went to all his shows.

He formed a new band about a year before D Day...and he was hurt and angry that I wouldn't come to his shows and watch him play "Freebird" for the zillionth time. Smoky bars just aren't my thing...and the music is the same from 30 years ago. Yawn.

I supported him playing an having fun. But because I wasn't going to worship the rock god anymore, he went and found a younger woman who would.


I'm Happy, not Sad!

Posts: 1152 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: US
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, July 30th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course its our fault. You don't expect them to act like an adult and take responsibility do you?

If they acted like adults and took responsibility then their cheating never would have happened.

And they may always feel that way deep down. No one wants to be wrong and so they want to lay the blame somewhere else. We made them do it. OP coerced them into doing it. The devil made them do it.

Its easy to site a bad marriage. EVERY marriage has issues. None are perfect. And so its easy to find fault there.

You can argue that if the marriage was bad and that made them cheat. Then why didn't you cheat too? In my case the answer was that I was a worse partner than she was (she was perfect you know) and so she was far more unhappy than I was. And thats why she is the one that cheated.

I don't believe my WW ever really owned up and took responsibility for her own actions. She still believes her LTA was my fault. Shes learnt to keep quiet with this opinion and if pressed will SAY it was her fault. But IMO she really doesn't believe that and is just saying what she needs to say to keep the peace.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3381 | Registered: Sep 2007
Topic Posts: 94
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