She is still young and immature, with that taken into consideration, I'm sure that if it were her in the situation like you are of monies being owed, she would want hers, she wouldn't just let it go, poor crazy X he deserves to have my money while I maybe struggling at the time, if he owes he needs to pay, just like the hydro bill
As much as we hate it sometimes our kids have similar personalities as the X, maybe not all, but some, how can they not when they were raised by the npd, it's the classic whoa is me, someone else's fault,if he had of paid he wouldn't owe, I bet he tells her stuff like if I didn't have to pay your mom so much I would do this and this and this for you, my oldest looks like dumbass pa/npd, and at times acts like him, he has some of the same personality quirks that dumbass has, it scares me, yet he has other qualities that are great,
I would have one more discussion about it with her,and I would make it very clear that this is the last discussion because, it's none of her business,she should check her facts before attacking, if she so chooses to cut ties for something that is none of her business, then that is her choice, but I will always love her, but I will not discuss the terms of the divorce between her father and I,
My heart hurts for you,I know how hard it is dealing with young adults, we do all we can to try and protect our kids, and they can shoot us down with their words in minutes, make us second guess ourselves
It's a long road having to deal with these crazy npd X's, he has probably distorted the facts to your daughter, she has probably heard his whoa is me story, where as you have probably always had a parental boundary in place where as you didn't discuss the terms of the divorce and what monies are owed, and she has got to hear the npd X constantly complain
I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars.
Sorry Cat. I'd let her go live with him and get a big fat reality check.
Stop being so nice and show her your hurt and anger. It. Is. None. Of. Her. Business.
I'm going swing a very very gentle 2X4. I can't imagine you telling any of us to do anything else but take back the house keys. Remember she's not 9. She's an adult, a young adult but still old enough to think she can make her own decisions.
I can imagine how hurt you must feel over this. I would have one more conversation. Explain what you are comfortable sharing. Remind her that she is only getting her dad's perspective. If she really thinks you are that awful she should go live with Dad but after all this time and all you've done as her mom you'd think she'd know better. Then ask for the keys and ask when she'll be picking up her things.
“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler
He was actually served on Thursday while my youngest was with him. She opened the summons and is angry with me.
ok. Not unexpected. But with more facts when in a non REACTIVE state, she can decide where she wants to be emotionally on this fight.
She called me selfish and greedy, said I wasn't a good mom in the aftermath of the affair, said I always bad mouthed her dad and that she was going to move out if I didn't drop the suit.
^^ This is an attack and should be addressed separately from the facts of the current litigation with her father. If she really feels this way, then I would make it clear that such an attack was hurtful, and that you regret she feels this way and send her on her way to be with "her NPD people." If this was more reactionary from the hurt and fear of the service and the probably violent emotional reaction she viewed from her father... then maybe you two can sort through it together. Remember that the children of NPD have two basic choices when living/visiting the NPD parent. Either mirror the behavior and be accepted or reject the NPD and be attacked or ignored. Damn difficult to the latter for a child.
If you have an opportunity to discuss this with the girls I would do it very very frankly in the terms of contracts. The breech of contract (re: marriage) the way the courts settle the D and the financial support based on the needs of the children and the investment in the marriage by both parties. Explain the judicial decision making and that these types of decisions happen thousands of times a day to lots and lots of people. Take the "special" out of NPD's sob story and the emotional attack out of the equation. Just the facts ma'am.
Of course you are distraught. I am so sorry. (((Cat)))
I'm sorry you are going through this.
Nobody forgets what happens, the secret is learning to live with it.
I also think you should calmly tell her how hurt you are and that she has no idea of the hell your X has put you through over the years. If she asks for proof, give it to her. She is an adult and it's time to treat her that way. Don't put up with her blackmail and disrespect, and most of all, please stop shielding her from who her father really is. Part of the reason she is like this is because you have shielded her from the truth. Sorry, that's just what I think.
I'm not going to tell you to take back the keys - but you'd certainly be justified in changing the locks if you want to.
What did you say to her when she said all that to you? How did you respond?
"Let go or get dragged" - beaner
Life is Good
I'm so sorry about this, it is an incredibly painful situation for you.
I am with those that think your DD should know the story, and that as an adult she is free to move out, you will NOT be disrespected like that.
This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet
You have the proof however they may not be at a point where they are ready to listen.
I would offer to have a discussion to give them the whole truth. If they take you up on it, be armed with what you have and have an agenda.
If they don't want to listen, let them know you are ready to talk whenever they are and let them go. They will be back.
You've been the stable, safe place to land. One thing I've found is that kids seem to get angriest and most vocal with the parent they feel the safest with. You are the one they can always count on. Your love is unconditional and they know that....so you are safe to lash out at.
It's time they either listen or go out on their own.
It may be time to stop shielding them from the truth.
I don't have any other suggestions than what have been mentioned. I'm sorry you are in this situation.
Please check in and let us know how things are going.
As the others say, I'm sorry for your sadness and frustration with your daughter. I have this going on at times with DD and do you know, for my whole life long, have watched my narcissitic sister manipulate and climb all over my mother, who does it to me? She is aging now and frail and working two jobs, while working her tail off to be a doormat and still support my sister, who critizes, manipulates and yells at her, 30 years later.
So with that experience, I do commend you for acknowledging that your daughter is mistreating you, for it seems from your post like a form of bullying.
DD I have is much younger than yours, but already showing huge favoritism signs and pining after the parent who so blatantly replaced and abandoned her. It pains me to see and hear this and at times I want to tell her the entire truth, but will not.
In the divorce decree we have, it says that "chidren shall not be handed envelopes or papers belonging to parents or open mail belonging to them." I know that your daughter is older, but as one of the other posts said, how come she opened his mail anyway? I could see if it was an obvious catalog, but something like a summons or other lawyer mail would be a clear "no" around here. And, in fact, any of my papers or mail or computer stuff from L, I go to great length to make sure she doesn't see it.
And FWIW, it's my thought that your daughter has her own anger and other issues and I wonder if you are where she is aiming those feelings? I don't mean to play counselor, but I can hear mine saying that... and I'm sorry for it.
You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
Past time, by a couple of years!
I ♥ my Husband!!!
It is difficult if not impossible to co-parent with an NPD.
They will do everything in their power to destroy you in the eyes of your children. No matter if THEY were the fault of the divorce, they will paint you out to be the monster.
I feel for you. And totally support your decision to change the locks. This is just another example of how far an NPD can and will go in their mission of destruction.
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)