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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How do I tell my parents?
imdimd74
♂ Member
Member # 37667
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been 10 days since I told WW I want D. I have a deposit down for an apartment. I have a L retained. I feel at peace with my choice but there are so many feelings of guilt as well.
For the sake of my daughter, we agreed to not tell anyone else about A. In turn, I asked her not to vilify me to her family.
I need to tell say parents about D, but I am so scared about hurting them (they love WW), I have no idea what to say.

Any advice/suggestions?


Me: BH 40
Her: WW 38
M: 5 yrs T: 8.5 yrs
DDay1: late August 2012
Dday2?: Feb 2013
A: EA? >2yrs?
DD: 3 years

Posts: 56 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: East Coast
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just do it. The anticipation is worse than the reality. My parents loved XWH as their son. He'd been in the family since I was 20; we'd been together 13 years. My dad was XWH's best friend, other than me.

Their support was unequivocal, immediate, all-encompassing, and very much needed.

Tell your parents she cheated on you. You don't want to live a lie, and it's not your burden to carry alone. You can tell your parents that you don't want DD to know (though read on here -- you don't want to lie to DD and risk your relationship with her when she realizes that you were untruthful) but you need their support.

Also, don't believe that STBXWW isn't going to vilify you. It's a page out of the wayward handbook. They say all sorts of things in the beginning, but in the end, they all follow a script. Make sure you take care of yourself and don't put STBXWW's needs above yours and your daughter's.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3299 | Registered: Dec 2011
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine loved the ex like a daughter. They thought she walked on water. It turns out they love me more. I just poured my heart out to my Mom. I was a little more matter of fact with my Dad but I told him almost a month later.

I would be honest without badmouthing. I asked that they not say anything bad about her to me either because I wasn't ready to hear it at that point.


Posts: 1649 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
wannabenormal
♀ Member
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Telling family was hard, but when you file or make some other 'hard-lined' decision, it's time to tell.

I don't have a great relationship with my parents and so we weren't super close anyway, but it was still hard. So I just bit the bullet. I called them one day and said - this is what happened, this is the plan. I wanted you to know and whatever-whatever.

They apparently never loved XH so they were not crushed; they were half sad for me and kids, but we're not super close anyway, so it was really more a formality as in "in a few months, our Christmas cards will be diff - here's why".

Much as your parents may love STBXWW, they probably won't now, so don't fret about that. They might be surprised at first, but blood is thicker than water, so you'll be fine. You don't need hyper-details just the gist.

ETA: even though I'm not close to my parents, it was very hard to admit such an epic fail. I realize now, it wasn't MY fail, I couldn't have saved it, but it was still hard and I only told family at the very end of the 'can we salvage this?' stage when I realized it was not going to be fixed.

[This message edited by wannabenormal at 9:19 PM, May 24th (Friday)]



Posts: 14336 | Registered: Jun 2008
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You just have to do it. You can set some bounaries (mine wanted to talk about details but I declined).


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15306 | Registered: Jun 2006
KeepOnMovin
♂ Member
Member # 38245
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like the others wrote, just tell them. I dreaded telling my parents (married 50 years this summer). I lived in misery for 4 years not wanting to tell my family anything because i didn't want them to hate STBX, and burn any chance for R.

When i finally did tell them (because STBX wouldn't attend Christmas at their house), they were so very supportive. My only regret is not discussing the marital problems with them when STBX first started fooling around. Blood is thicker than water. I'm closer to them now then I've been since i got married 20 years ago.

it was a relief. i hope you find the same.


Me: BH
Her: STBXWW
Married: 21 years
2 sons at home
1 son in college
Separated and proceeding with divorce.
Often it's the deepest pain which empowers you to grow into your highest self.

Posts: 288 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
tabitha95
♀ Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cheaters don't ever want to be outed. Having you agree to keep her secret, for not talking smack about you to her family is not an honest agreement.

Outing A's is cathartic. Keeping secrets, creates lies that will burdeon you greatly.


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3247 | Registered: Dec 2008
stilltrying2025
♀ Member
Member # 39145
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, May 24th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told my parents right away when I decided to leave my WH. I did that because I needed mental, emotional and financial support. My parents divorced when I was 15 (now 38) do they understood what was going on. They were behind me 100%! They both knew, along with my step-mom, that something about the "friendship" wasn't right. They all believe it was more than an EA!

I also talked to my MIL; she called me and asked, I didn't call her. She is 100% behind me too; she said if we do divorce to take him for everything I can get! How often do you hear a mother say something like that about her son? No one in his family which includes his mother and 6 siblings, understands what he is up to with this EA.

Good luck to you! I really think you just need to tell them, straight out, and tell them everything you are comfortable telling them. Who cares if they get upset with the WS; why should you be any different then anyone else? Maybe that will bring WS out of the fog; but then again maybe not. Do what YOU need to do; not what is best for WS!

I'm rooting for you!


Me: 38
WH: 43
DD: Thanksgiving Day, 2012
Status: Separated

Posts: 184 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Minnesota
Topic Posts: 8

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