I immediately remembered something that made me know that I was definitely detaching from WXH and that I was seriously going to be okay. For 12 years, if WXH shed a tear over anything (and it didn't happen often, but was usually related to something significant), I was moved. My heart always went out to him when he got emotional, and it usually meant he was also trying to reach out to me.
7 months after d-day, and him moving out and treating me like crap while I took care of my two boys and my newborn all by myself, I told him something he didn't want to hear. And he teared up. And I watched him tear up and look at me, as if to say, "Look, I'm getting emotional, and you're supposed to now show me sympathy". But I couldn't do it. I found his tears almost comical and had to stifle a smile. I just didn't care. I felt absolutely nothing about his tears.
It was very freeing. He could never emotionally manipulate me ever again. (Not that all his tears had been manipulative all those years - maybe some).
"Detached" - Right now, I feel I am detached. I love the person that I am evolving in to! I love my life! I love doing the hard work and coming out even stronger and more insightful! I love the people that are in my life.
The thing is, I have stbx to thank. Had he not cheated and walked out, I would have continued on. My life would have been fine since I did not know any different. But my rose colored glasses were knocked off and I clearly "see" him. Now that I do, I am so relieved he is not my problem and I can truly live a full and authentic life.
Don't get me wrong ... I am not in my own unicorn fart rainbow land ~ he still does crazy shit and I still trigger but I trigger less frequently and the intensity is somewhat manageable.
This was 2 years ago and I can happily say I'm indifferent.
So things have been fairly cordial since then as I have had very little contact. Then yesterday, he showed up to help take down window treatments as we were installing new windows. I actually didn't even ask him for help, just asked if he could drop off his drill for me to use. Well, he was a giant dick about it and ended up calling me a bitch over text. Let me just say, that in the 10 years I've known him, he has NEVER called me a bitch. It's just not like him at all. I was definitely taken aback, but just let it roll off my back. I calmly texted back that that was unnecessary and that I would manage to remove the window treatments without his drill.
So he shows up anyway about a half hour later and removes them for me. He then starts laying into me about finances. Saying that I need to give him itemized lists of everything I'm spending each month (because he pays spousal and child support). I told him that I was going to do no such thing and that it was none of his business how I spend money as long as I was caring for the house and kids. Well, he went irate and told me he was going to sue me, LOL. Not sure for what, but that he would sue me. I told him that he was ridiculous and walked out of the room. He later texted me and apologized for his behavior and told me that he was just having a really bad day. Which he got no response to.
For the first time, he tried to bait me repeatedly and I didn't give in. I didn't even feel my blood pressure rising at all. I just didn't care. The first thing I though of when I got the apology text about his "bad day" was how grateful I was that I was no longer his wife and didn't have to be his punching bag on his "bad days". That was now OW's job.
I'm sure that I'm not 100% in the clear and that I will never react to anything again, but I know I've turned a major corner in detaching from him.
Knowing that he is 'happy' w/OW, seeing proof of it, is the thing pushing me forward.
WTFE, FTG. That slunt is 4% of the woman he threw away. It just hurts knowing that he was ok w/doing just that.
This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man, ~ Shakespeare