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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Good bye R Forum
Bellecatprincess
♀ Member
Member # 38902
Default  Posted: 1:54 AM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today I posted wanting positive R feedback. I felt that I had finally got that ahhh haaaa moment from my WH.

Well tonight he had to work late. I kept checking the tracker and he was at work so I thought I would go and surprise him with dinner. Well I drove up and he was walking out. He tried to get me to pull around the back and then I saw her the OW. I got out to confront her and she said she didn't know she was the OW. I then tried to get him to choose between us and he wouldn't. I kept asking him about all of the work we have been doing. The trip this weekend and he just stood there. He asked me why I was there that I wasn't supposed to be there.

Now tonight he is begging me to work on us. He didn't choose me in front of her, he told me to leave.

So tonight I am no longer in the happy almost R bubble I thought I was in. I have to figure out how to be done. How to turn my mind and heart off. To realize he was never really mine.


D-Day #1 3/21/2013
D-Day #2 5/24/2013
Me BS 38
Him 37
OW 30 (8 months w/the SL*T) found out 5/24/13 more like 15 months
M 17 yrs (5/27/2000)
Together 20 years
2 sons(18,17)
D will be final 6/21/2013 nothing left to save

Posts: 58 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Colorado
mesoSTUPID
♀ Member
Member # 35679
Default  Posted: 2:09 AM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Belle, I am so sorry...


ME (BS): 41 and so stupid!
Him (WH): 43. He's my dragon slayer but my heart wasn't supposed to be slayed!

Posts: 195 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Miami
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 2:15 AM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Bellecatprincess)))


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5696 | Registered: Aug 2007
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 2:18 AM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Bellecat)))

How horrible of him. You go to surprise him with something nice, and not only is he there with the OW, but then he puts you down in front of her by not choosing you.

Take care of yourself and your heart. We're here for you.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3911 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
kansas1968
♀ Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 2:20 AM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG, my heart is breaking for you. I think that is every BS worst nightmare. Confrontin them and him not choosing you. What a sap.

How can they put you through that false reconcilliation. Thinking you are working on your marriage when they are still seeing them. After they have seen you pain. It is just beyond me. So, so, sorry. It is hard to turn your heart off, maybe impossible, but he has got to know you are serious about leaving him.

Time for 180 and attorney. Hugs.


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1320 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:54 AM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bellecat,

I'm so sorry.

Time for the hard 180 while you figure out what steps to take for YOU.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38190 | Registered: Sep 2007
gonogo1
♀ Member
Member # 25518
Default  Posted: 6:27 AM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Bellecat))) Hard 180 for you to get your bearings . Breath Breath . I have been right where you are ,false R . Need to find strength in just finding you and what you want , to choose what is right for you . To be able to know in your soul that the decision is right . Make no decision based on pride make it based from a place that you know that the inner voice says is right just for you ,Base it on strength .On what you want .Only you know what's right for you , in meantime lawyer up and be prepared for battle . Look after you .

Posts: 1627 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: East Coast
LivinginLimbo
♀ Member
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 6:41 AM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I cannot begin to imagine how awful this was for you.

I am so sorry that it ended this way.


BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 1055 | Registered: Mar 2012
OptimisticWife
♀ Member
Member # 36587
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Bellecatprincess)))

I'm so sorry to read about what you are going through. Look after yourself. You deserve so much more


Posts: 190 | Registered: Aug 2012
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Bellecat)))
I'm so sorry. False R is horrible...do something for yourself today.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4023 | Registered: Dec 2011
sailorgirl
♀ Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He expects you to work on the marriage while he continues the affair??

After all this time, OW still didn't know that her boyfriend is married?

I'm so sorry, Bellecat. Let the fact that he dismissed you and stayed with OW fuel your anger! Anger will help you be strong and 180 his pitiful ass.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
Knowing
♀ Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. When I was reading your post I thought of a book.

"When Good People Have Affairs" my Mira Kirshenbaum was written for the WS in your very situation, where he wants his M but can't let go if the A or vice-versa. That's what the book tries to do, help the WS make the best decision they can under the circumstances.

In early A recovery it was one if the few free books we could get at the library. It helped us both see that we wanted to be together (much to my surprise my fWH/M scored very high on my satisfaction questionnaire.) It's a neutral approach to figuring out if you want to be with your spouse, your AP or alone. I thought it was a great way to uncover the truth about whether or not we should stay together which is all I really wanted to know in the beginning. Because, honestly, after all the years of dissatisfaction with my M And pain of betrayal heaped on top, I wasn't sure I wanted to stay with him and I felt I had no way to assess that.


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 698 | Registered: Oct 2012
twodoves
♀ Member
Member # 39181
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry Belle :(


Me - BS
Him - WS (N3v3rG1v1ngUp)
Together 7 years, married for 2
He was cheating for 5 years
5 OW
D-days: 4/23/13, 4/27/13, 5/10/13
1 toddler, baby girl on the way in December

Posts: 160 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Illinois
soveryweary
♀ Member
Member # 32265
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry this has happened. Sending hugs.


Divorced 1/3/14

Posts: 627 | Registered: May 2011
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Bellecatprincess)))

I am so sorry.


Posts: 36028 | Registered: Mar 2011
DeadMumWalking
♀ Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Bellecatprincess))))

I am so very sorry for your pain.

You know you are worth so much more than this don't you?

Be easy on yourself now, just take some time to breathe. Drink plenty of water. Have a good cry. Lean on us, we are here for you. We truly GET how you feel.

((((Bellecatprincess))))


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 25 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 30
Dday: Dec 2008
Limbo-ish, again (after multiple S) -- weighing my options

Posts: 2624 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
avicarswife
♀ Member
Member # 35799
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry Belle.

It appears he wants to cake eat. He effectively choose her when in front of her and then later with you tries to back pedal and make out like he was choosing you.

He asked me why I was there that I wasn't supposed to be there.

What kind of question is that to ask your wife?
You were there because you care about him, want your marriage to grow and as his wife are entitled to be there.

I am so sorry honey - you deserve so much better.


BS: 47 (me)
WH: 51
Married 26 yrs, 3 kids (16-24)
D-Days 2012: 23 - 24 May + TT
D-Day 2013: 12 Apr OW#3
mOW #1 EA yrs PA Feb 2009-end 2011
mOW #2 EA months PA 4 months 2010
OW #3 PA single time 2010
Status: Maybe 'R'

Posts: 728 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: "down-under"
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, May 25th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, his behavior is horrible. {{{Belle}}}

He didn't choose me in front of her, he told me to leave.

And this is why I would tell him to leave. Seriously, I would send him packing.

Remember it is NOT what they say, it is what they DO.

Do no put up with this.


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2124 | Registered: Nov 2011
Dare2Trust
♀ Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 12:31 AM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can I ask what this means?
I got out to confront her and she said she didn't know she was the OW

This woman didn't know your WH is married?


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6150 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Wonderingwhy11
♀ Member
Member # 34782
Default  Posted: 2:15 AM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bellecatprincess - I am so sorry. I wish you strength during this. To find out about an A,led to believe working on R and find out the A is still going on is worse than the first DDay. Anyone who has gone through this knows the pain. He needs to be alone to figure it out. You need the time to decide what you want. Take the time you need. He needs to realize what he is losing before he can truly commit to R.


Me BW - 46
Him WH - 53
Together 23 yrs, Married 18
DDay August 2011
2 kids - 13 and 15

Gotta love the life that we livin'


Posts: 376 | Registered: Feb 2012
Topic Posts: 24
Pages: 1 · 2

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