I'm new here but have been reading your posts for the past couple days. My heart breaks for all of you going through the pain of being cheated on and I want to send big virtual hugs to all of you.
Unfortunately I am going through my own cheating situation. I am a newlywed - married for 10 months, together for almost 8 years in total. My husband cheated on me after only 8 months of marriage and I only found out about it last week. Everyone says the first year of marriage is the hardest and ours hasn't been an exception - the cheating just makes it that much more difficult. I am heartbroken..absolutely shattered inside. Please read on if you'd like to know my story..I can't bring myself to talk about this with any of my family and friends, so I'm hoping to find some support, advice, or something...anything.
It all started last Tuesday night. My husband normally goes out for guys night on Tuesdays with his brother, best friend and other friend. This is something I never ever thought twice about. So this particular Tuesday didn't seem out of the ordinary until I woke up at almost 1 am and he still wasn't home. He normally comes home by about midnight when he goes out for guys night. So I sent him a text asking him when he would be home and there was no response. I started to get worried because he always responds so I called him & his phone was off. At this point I was worried something happened like a car accident or something (wasn't even considering that he was hiding something). I called a second time and his phone was on - it rang and rang but all of a sudden cut off to voice mail (he sent me to voice mail). I thought he must have done it by accident so I called again, and straight to voice mail. Finally he gets home but goes straight into the shower instead of into our bedroom to talk. When he was finished showering I asked him what happened and he played dumb saying his phone was dead so he turned it off. I asked him if I could see his phone - I turned it on and it was fully charged. I asked him why he lied about his phone and he didn't answer. He then told me a story of how he went to guys night with only his one friend and they did some drugs and he didn't want to tell me about it (he doesn't do drugs and barely drinks). I didn't believe him so I texted his friend pretending to be him saying he had a great time looking for either a "yeah it was a fun night" or "you must have texted the wrong person we didn't hang out tonight". He later responded with "you texted the wrong person". Then I looked through his phone and saw in his sent messages to someone from his work that he never hangs out with saying "yes we're still on for tonight" and "be there soon". I questioned him why he would lie if he was out with someone else. Finally after me pushing and raging, he finally admitted that he was out with a girl and that he hid her number as his work friends name so I wouldn't get suspicious if I saw it...
He told me he met her online 2 months before on the weekend that I was visiting my parents. He picked her up and took her to his parents house (they were away on vacation so the house was empty) and they fooled around. They texted back and forth and then went out together the Tuesday that I found out to a movie and then fooled around in his car afterwards. He had been trying to get me to go visit my parents this week before I knew he was cheating and I find out afterwards it was because he wanted to hook up with her again, either bringing her to OUR HOME or to a hotel.
I am completely and utterly heartbroken. We had been going through some rough times in 2013 - I had lost my job in February, took it very hard and was pretty depressed. He started making rude comments when he would come home from work, criticizing everything I did and just being plain rude. I had always been the one who made the money while he searched and searched for a job, and now he had just started a new job and I lost my own. His comments to me made me even more upset about my situation. It was around this time my sex drive went to non-existent. The one person that I looked to for support was treating me poorly so I was not at all in the mood to be sexual with him. His reason for cheating on me was that he's a very sexual person and he wasn't getting it from me so he had to get it from someone else. I wasn't in the mood for sex because I was going through my own emotional issues and he was barely supportive and never talked to me about his own concerns. How would I have known it was that serious of an issue if he never spoke to me about it? At first I felt like it was my fault, but now I know regardless of what our problems were he should have been working them out with me, but he made the choice to do what he did.
Now I'm left wondering what to do. I know it's a personal choice and no one can answer that for me. I have only been married for 10 months and have already been cheated on - how can I ever trust him again? He tells me he regrets what he did and wants to prove to me that he can be trusted and that he would never hurt me like that again. Maybe it's too soon but if he cheats this early, who's to say he won't do it again. He's broken my trust and maybe forever. I took our vows very seriously and a huge part of me wants to try to work things out but I feel so betrayed. He has agreed to never go on the computer when I'm not around and shows me his phone when he's using it. He has also been apologizing and telling me he loves me every day. While I appreciate that he's trying to show me he's sorry it doesn't take the heartbreak away or give the trust back. I never thought he'd so something like this..I feel as though our whole marriage is ruined. Maybe I need more time to process things and figure things out. How on earth do you move on from something like this? How do you heal? I'm sorry this is so long..like I said I have no one to talk to about this and feel so completely alone. Would love some support from anyone who understands <3
Welcome to the place noone wants to belong. Others will be along shortly to welcome you. I have no advice on how to move the marriage past betrayal. But others will.
Take care of yourself. Nutrition, hydration, first and emotional and financial soon after.
Keep reading here and posting when you feel up to it. The healing library (yellow box -upper left is the link) has lots of information to read.
We understand, I wish you hadn't the need to find us, but I am glad you did. There is a lot of healing that happens here, so stick around.
I'm so so sorry this has happened. We're all here for you - for advice, hugs, whatever you need.
Right now don't try to make any big decisions. Just take care of yourself as best you can physically and mentally. It's going to be baby steps there as well.
Above all, do not be hard on yourself for the rollercoaster of emotions you are feeling. I promise they will slow in time - but they will be out of control for a bit and that's normal for right now.
You're going to be ok.
Sending hugs and strength.
For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot
The road of all "excuses" lead to selfishness. He was being selfish and only thinking of himself and his needs, not yours. And only after 8 months...wow. Just wow.
Please don't believe that if you had done more it would have changed what he did. It wouldn't have.
We all know the pain you're going through at some level and I'd be lying if I told you it were easy. Does it get better? Many here on SI believe it does. For me, the pain has subsided but the memory remains. I will say that by reading other people's stories and listening to the words of those who have been down this road has helped--A LOT!
We do understand what you're going through at some level. All of us have experienced varying levels of deception and time periods, but the cut is nonetheless painful and the blood flows the same.
Please share as much as you feel you can and read as much as you can out of the library. Good stuff.
I found SI 12 months after my DDAY and SI has been a true godsend to me. I wish I had found it as soon as you.
I hope it will be a godsend to you as well.
As others have said step one is to not let your physical health decline while your emotional health goes on a rollercoaster ride that none of us ever expected or hoped for. Eat, drink, sleep. If any of those three are failing more than a few days seek medical help.
Counseling is almost universally recomended both individually and group.
Don't make any big decisions today. He handed you a get out of jail free card if you want to run but the choice is yours. By its hard to make such big choices when you feel like your world just got shattered to dust and its hard to take the next breath.
Know, it gets better. Some people even say better at the end than it was before, some people are not ready for that and break, no one can tell you how you feel.
Start to think up deal breaker rules if you can, if you are even thinking its possible to get through this the status quo will not do, so what are the important things to you that if he walks over those lines it's over for good.
Things like total honesty and transparency, offering accountability of time spent, no contact with the OW, doing something to figure out what was wrong with him so that you may even start to be tempted to believe him when he says it won't happen again.
Hugs so sorry you are here with us all, but this place is like crowdsourcing group therapy. It's a insight into the best and worst of humanity in a way forgiveness and redemption on one side, vs broken hearts and horrible behavior on the other side of the spectrum.
Read, post, read some more.
Hugs in these tough times.
I'm glad you have come here for support there are many wise people on this board who will help you. It helps me just to read some of the advice.
Lay out your boundaries and stick to them. He will push them to the max. Be prepared that you don't know everything yet. There is almost always more than what they tell you in the beginning and most are very good at lying, gas lighting, and rug sweeping. Do not allow any of this. Pre-A marriage issues are 50% each The A itself is 100% his issue and has nothing to do with you. Do not let him try to say otherwise.
The road to R is hard and long. Only you can decide if you think the marriage is worth the risk of trying to R. Take your time in figuring this out. Keep posting. We are there for you. (((HUGS)))
If your husband starts acting any thing other than remorseful, upset because you won't heal quickly, etc. please know this isn't your fault and he needs to be patient with you.
"They cling to their bad choices out of shame, because it is far easier to continue to destroy yourself than to do the heavy work required to fix yourself." - a wiser SIer
Movingforward13 thats not a helpful comment. Only 10-30% of remorsefuk WH cheat again.
[This message edited by hobbeskat at 4:43 PM, May 25th (Saturday)]
First and formost, this was not your fault, your depression and lack of sex drive did not contribute to his behaviour.
You don't need to make any big decisions now, read up on the 180 to help protect yourself it really helps to stay sane and nurse yourself though this shock until you are strong enough to make the decision that's rights for you. We're here for you ((FTH)))
First of all, he took this person to his parents house. Eww! Seems he respects his parents as much as everyone else.
Do not blame your depression and emotional state for this. He made the decision to go outside your marriage and it shows that he is basically putting himself first.
I am sorry to say my husband was very similar, he always put himself first. We were only married for a few months when I first discovered him webcamming with people. He had done it before, but promised not to do it again.
As gently as possible I will say to you, as heartbreaking as it is, consider all of your options. I wish someone had said that to me at those early stages as then I would have not stayed with my ex for another 10 years because I felt it was "the right thing to do".
Huge hugs to you, and we are all here for you no matter what you decide.
This is not and has not been easy, but knowing there are others out there does offer some comfort.
One thing that I've found that has helped me a lot is exercise. I work out almost every morning and do a lot of walking - it's great to work off some frustration and forget even if just for a little while.
I am dying to tell a friend..I feel like I need to talk to someone who knows him if that makes sense. I just can't bring myself to say the words "he cheated". I've been so distant from my friends and family since I found out and I know that probably is not healthy. Every day feels different than the last - some days seem so hopeless and other days it seems like maybe, just maybe things will work out and I can be happy again..maybe "we" can be happy again. It baffles me there are so many of us out there in different places in the world going through similar pains..we don't deserve this. But what can come from the bad is a connection, and knowing that a complete stranger has your back and supports you. This is a wonderful thing in a world where a lot of people show no regard for others..
Much appreciation to everyone who posted with kind words and advise.
Although your world has been shattered it is possible to recover. I have been married 36 years & just found out in February that my husband has been cheating for the last 15 years. I find myself now exploring my options as well.
My daughter's husband cheated about 6 months into their marriage & quite honestly, looking at how their marriage has evolved is the only reason I have chosen to stay right now. My SIL has done a complete about face & now 10 years later they have the marriage I have always craved. He realized how selfish his behavior was & treats my daughter like a queen. I can only hope that my husband can learn a few things from him.
I still don't know what I would do if I didn't concerns about my children & grandchildren but for now that is what I think about. Please know that it will never make any sense why your husband did what he did & you are the only one who can figure out if he is truly the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. It will never go away but I do know people who have learned to live past this dreadful transgression & are happy.
I, like the others, am so sorry for your hurt & hope you stay tuned in. I agree with one of the earlier post that you should prepare yourself for the strong possibility that there is more to what you already know. Don't be quick to forgive or to run. Sort out the facts & by all means do some digging.
Take care of yourself. We are here for you!
Please go to a counselor ASAP.
My clues that hs is not capable of changing on his own are:
1.Met her online, which means he was somewhere H are not supposed to be online and hid this from you.
2.Blames your lack of sex drive for the A, which means he will do this forever without help.
3.When your confidence was down, he did this.
Early in our marriage I was pregnant. I found out WH was at topless bars after work. I was devestated and wanted to leave. He promised not to go there again, but you see a sex addict sees nothing wrong really with trolling online for sex, topless bars, etc.
So, of coarse he did all these things in the last 15 years that we have now been together == every time he gets bored or real life is stressful or just when ever he wants because he doesn't really see anything wrong with it.
I have stayed because of the children, but guess what == he met someone else anyway. So, now we are all so broken up.
Please tell him he goes with you to MC by next Friday or you are done. You set up the appointment. AND YOU GO, because if you stay w him and you don't go to MC, eventually he will tell you he doesn't remember you asking him to see someone to help your marriage. You are the 39,000 person to sign up here, and all the WS say this over the years....
While in MC (and if he doesn't go, that was the dealbreaker for me, btw), while in mc really watch to see if he "wakes up" from the dream he is in that it's ok to be online looking for people when married.
Also, on this website is a section titled I can relate. You will find a section on there titled Dealing with a SA (Sex Addict). Please go on there and get informed and read about where your marriage will be 10 years from now if you don't get IC and/or leave him.
Also, don't keep the secret. Be bold. Does the 'hookup' have a husband? Tell him. Tell a friend, tell your WS WHOLE FAMILY, if they are normal people. It is better to have a huge blowout NOW rather than a small leak that goes no where. You want your WS to be hit with reality --- just the same if he physically "hit" you.
Also the book "Love Must Be Tough" really helped me. The author says the ONLY way to stop this sort of thing is to stop the line of respect from being crossed so blatanly. Everything in your post says he crosses the line of respect over and over bc he doesn't have any boundaries. Please get the book from your library or download it. It got thru to me so quickly ---like the 1st 2 chapters. And it's an easy read, because if you are like me, I could not stay focused to read. The first 2 chapters take about 20 min and it'll change your perspective quickly. He's been a MC for 30 years and has the best luck changing a WS when the BS stands up for them selves and says, NO NO NO!!! I am worth more than you doing this to me! Also, the author must realize that it's hard for us to focus and the writing on the pages is spaced far apart! It's on CD, too, I think.
[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 5:31 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)]
There is the key word above. Therefore the other word you need to consider is Annulment
The 7 year itch hasn't set in and he already cheated.
Like you said, only you can decide what you want and what to do, but this is my advice. Get out while the getting is good and find a decent man that won't do this to you.
I told you that bit of my story to show you that no matter what your unremorseful wayward husband(WH) says it's actions that matter. You may not end up in divorce (D) but the only way you won't end up there if you choose to try to reconcile (R) is if your wayward husband (WH) does the work to make himself safe for you again. That involves going to individual counseling(IC) to find out why he did what he did, giving you complete transparency like access to cell phones and email accounts, and respects the boundaries and requirements you put in place to feel safe. If he can't do that then you are better off leaving now.
My soon to be X (STBX) thought after her first affair (A) she would never do it again. We call them dry adulterers. They think they can will themsleves to not to cheat again without doing the work to figure out why they are broken and fixing it. My Wayard wife (WW) didn't so the work and had another 3 yr long Affair (A). So think long and hard about what YOU want out of life. There are people around here whose spouses did the work but there are many of us that have multiple DDay's because our spouses didn't or couldn't do the work. Mine couldnt' do the work even though she stopped her A. I still filed because if I didn't it was only a mater of time before she dropped another A on me.
Just remember this is not your fault no matter what he says and you do deserve to be with someone that makes you happy and treats you with the respect and kindness you deserve. There is something wrong with HIM. So take some time to process what has happened. Read up in the healing library, post often, and get very good at the 180. You cannot nice, beg, or plead a Wayward Spouse (WS) back into a marriage (M). They have to do that work themselves. You have a long journey ahead of you no matter what path you take so be kind to yourself and take care of yourslef.
Also I tried to put the abbreviations we use commonly around here after the words.