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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: he just doesn't get it
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just more crap. Today I am at work and he is texting me that he is losing all hope and happiness.

I just don't know if I can go on like this anymore. He hurt me, he chose this path not me.

I accept my contribution to the problems in our marriage, I am so willing to work on those, honesty, openness, being stronger not accepting abuse.

His a is all his. If this marriage is to be healed he must express remorse to me, not decide when it is enough. He must be patient with me and my pain, he caused it! It is up to him to give what I need and not to just give what he thinks is enough. I know that I don't ask for alot.

I just texted him that again it is his choice to either decide to give what is needed or I just can't go on.

I think I am near the end.

I would rather be alone than disregarded. He is making me feel like I am not worth the effort.

I am being honest with him it hurts and is scary. I love him but I will never get past this, heal myself while we are together unless he is willing to do the work, face the consequences.

I am hurting.


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divor


Posts: 1418 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Knowing
♀ Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is he reaching out to you for support for his feelings of hopelessness and unhappiness? I would give anything for my fWH to express his emotions, even admit he has any, even negative or inconvenient ones...

Is he looking for reassurance from you or excuses to act out? Is this part of a pattern? Throw something your way then blame you for not giving him the reaction he wanted?

Are you still S? In MC? IC?


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 698 | Registered: Oct 2012
Heavy Sigh
♀ Member
Member # 34243
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is it you want him to "get" - other than that you're hurt. I'm sure he realizes you are hurt. I'm sure he realizes the trust is deficient.

If he loves you, is not in contact with her, is telling you where he is and is not balking on passwords/transparency and that kind of thing - it really IS about all he can do.

I keep seeing people write about not seeing remorse when they seem to be seeing it by a WS'es actions, but they expect Shakespearean words of remorse and we never really get the remorse in words, you know? Remorse doesn't sink in to a WS until they are HAPPY again and the marriage is good, and suddenly they realize what they were about to throw away and they aren't worthy of being that happy.

the remorse never comes when a WS is in defense mode to an angry BS, since that enables them to say to themselves "see... see what I had to put up with... no wonder I had an affair."

I would say you might see fear and regret early on, but remorse ... that's usually the two to four-year mark.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 1:40 PM, May 26th (Sunday)]


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Dec 2011
TheAgonyOfIt
♀ Member
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hi cantaccept. i am so so sorry you are hurting. I am hurting so much too and am trying to find ways to lighten the physical pain it creates. I feel very much as you do; that my WS is just not getting it and really not offering me much more than morsels of possible light guilt but no where near the remorse that i would need. Are you in MC or IC? Highly recommend. Really helps to move toward clarity. I just started and I'm pretty sure the light ahead of me is without WS. Now I need to accept that; when I do, even if it is a struggle, I think a lot of my pain will lift.

I looked at an apartment last week and i felt like i could breathe again when i was there. This helped me clarify.

I wish I could help your pain go away and vanish!! Doing deep breathing, meditative exercises and cleaning the house has helped just a little.

best wishes to you!!


Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Now homeless but getting it together. Necessary but difficult(!) transition! Sad sad sad but hopeful.

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
Heavy Sigh
♀ Member
Member # 34243
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've read your profile again and it seems as if your WS is a flawed individual even apart from marriage issues.

He was on computer, you had a phone call with a friend - daily life - and THAT causes drama and a screaming argument?

It seems you're both bored to tears unless you're both fighting and creating drama, or unless one starts it and the other escalates or reacts. It's a bad habit. Or one or both of you wants out and other other won't say it.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 1:50 PM, May 26th (Sunday)]


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Dec 2011
Getting to Happy
♀ Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would rather be alone than disregarded. He is making me feel like I am not worth the effort.

That is it^^^

Does he have enough maturity and strength to endure the pain and tears in your eyes??

If he loves you, is not in contact with her, is telling you where he is and is not balking on passwords/transparency and that kind of thing - it really IS about all he can do...I would say you might see fear and regret early on, but remorse ... that's usually the two to four-year mark.

I disagree with this^^^

There is more that he can do other than what is listed above. He may love you but is he willing to love you through your pain? A searing ache that he caused??

This is not the regular cantaccept. She was put out with the trash...You need loving hugs and I'm sorry's.

And as crazy as it sounds you need to ask questions about every aspect of his A, over and over if necessary, until you tire of the questions...not him. Because you have to get used to your new normal.

If he was really remorseful this would be easy for him. Because he would care how you feel.

I know. There is a feeling in your gut that you know he is not really remorseful. Just regretful that you found out he found someone else to love...So painful to be discarded and replaced.

Don't settle for that!

If there is no acknowledgement of your painful despair then no amount of "see how transparent I am! And after I had my fun with a stranger and blew up our marriage, I CHOOSE YOU... Now stop being so sad!" is going to change the dynamic.

It is a very tough place to realize that you can only depend on yourself to make yourself happy. Even if you have dedicated your life to your husband. Your a married couple but YOU must take care of yourself first. Be healthy and happy with you.

This will require stoicism and detachment. If he will not help you to grieve your marriage and him rejecting and replacing you then you must lick your wounds on your own.

Is that how you want to live with your husband?

This is the heavy lifting that we speak of on SI.

Either you circle the wagons and deal with the fallout of the A as a pair of people in love...or...let him go so that you can heal yourself.

7 months out from DD is plenty of time for him to man up and SHOW you that he loves you by asking how he can help you to heal.

Have him read "How to help your Spouse heal from your Affair"

Mr. Happy was so anxious to do whatever he needed to help me he read that book in 1 day right after DD. Its a small tome but this guy only reads manuels and trade magazines!

It really helped. He had to learn to be authentic and really listen to our conversations. Not just assume he knew what I was saying/feeling.

Your title says "he just doesn't get it" No, you don't get it. Your husband had a girlfriend. This is your new normal. You must now process that info and make peace with it if you are going to stay married to the one who destroyed you.

It is up to you to decide if he is loving you enough, after all of that, for you to stay.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
Undec1ded
♀ New Member
Member # 39366
Default  Posted: 4:59 AM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could've written ur post word for word cantaccept. I feel your pain. Hopefully our WS's will have an aha moment and start to help the healing process.


Original DD: 12/25/11
COM: 1 under 1

Posts: 19 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Undec1ded
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 5:33 AM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The problem is that I do get it. I know my husband had a girlfriend. Not only had a girlfriend but left me for her, thought he had found his soulmate. He left me, his home was willing to give up everything for her.

The issue for me right now is what I need from him to rebuild our marriage.

I can rebuild myself alone but not our marriage. To me it feels like two completely different mindsets.

To heal alone, just for me I don't have to consider his feelings, just my own. What do I need? I don't have to be constantly thinking about showing him positives, reinforcing his good behavior, trying to love him in spite of all the conflicting emotions. Having been apart from him for two months, this was the path I was on. Reinforcing to myself that life without him was better for me. Focusing on the possibilities of a new and different life.

Now living together again it is a whole other mindset. He needs things from me emotionally, positive things. I do try to give that to him. I am open to him. To be physically affectionate I have to work through the movies, get past them to be with him. Get past the triggers of him, his hands, his eyes, the thoughts that come unbidden into my mind. Did he say that to her? Did he call her by that pet name? New ones all the time.

To be able to heal from this with him, to rebuild a life with him I need things from him. Not just the basics, the damage feels too deep.

I need him to show me what I mean to him. To show me why he is back. To tell me why he is back. To tell me what he sees in me now that he is back that makes him think he loves me. I need him to talk to me about his emotions, not just listen to me. I need a heartfelt apology, not just "I'm sorry". I need these things. I have told him openly what helps me. I have bought him the book, How to Help YOur Spouse Heal, he only read 50 pages in 3 months. We are both in IC and MC. He seems to understand while we are there and then in the car on the way home it all reverses, he becomes defensive and sometimes even angry.

I think I just have to decide how long I will wait to see if it ever changes. I love him, but I will not just accept crumbs, never again. The one thing that has become so clear to me through this is how much more I deserve.

It is up to him now to decide if he is able or willing to do the necessary repair work. I am willing to give back to him the reinforcement and love that he needs, but he must start to earn it.

I started out very positive towards him, very gentle and patient. That was probably a mistake, now he just wants to rugsweep.

He needs to take responsibility for the damage he has inflicted. He needs to deal with his "discomfort" and help me with my pain.


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divor


Posts: 1418 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your attitude is exactly correct. I am amazed that you are able to keep your head on so straight.

(((cantaccept))))


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1083 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
Getting to Happy
♀ Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I started out very positive towards him, very gentle and patient. That was probably a mistake, now he just wants to rugsweep.

In the days after DD I was so shocked that I did not get really angry, just very, very sad. I also needed his touch, to remind myself that I was not alone, that he wanted me.

That was confusing for Mr. Happy. He wanted to rugsweep so bad. So me not trying to punch him in the throat made him think everything was going to be okay. NOT!

My body, after 34 years, knew how to love him. There was that cognative dissidence that people here have discussed. My brain hurt trying to reconcile with my destroyer.

I finally told him that it would be awhile for my heart to catch up with the new memo: Mr. Happy and his whore fucked for 5 years behind my back.

It is going on 3 years from DD and my brain still hurts! I still have questions and crushing sadness.

He needs to take responsibility for the damage he has inflicted. He needs to deal with his "discomfort" and help me with my pain.

Exactly Right!^^^

He will have to find some depth in himself to realize that there are consequences for his actions. And a big part of it is supporting you in your grief and sadness.

Now that you can state plainly what your needs are to feel safe in your marriage, do you think he can really hear you and take some action to help you to heal?

Talk about heavy lifting! Infidelity SUCKS!


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
Topic Posts: 10

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