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User Topic: He saw her, was v attracted, Had Had to have her
♀ Member
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The question of why why why he betrayed me, how he decided to take that action when he was in a relationship with me. After weeks of I don't knows, i get this: "i met her, i was very attracted to her. I had to have her." In other words, he had to have her and he was not going to allow anything to stand in his way. He figured it was going to be a short fling; little did he know it would wind up into a 4.5 year love affair. The way he described it, it seemed like a compulsion. He said he couldn't tell me because telling me would have erupted into drama and nothing could get in his way of having this woman.

He says it all rather matter of factly. When i say OUCH he says when you don't want me to minimize things. True, and ouch.

The compulsion. Sounds like a sort of addiction to me, or addictive behavior.

Thoughts? THANKS.

Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Now homeless but getting it together. Necessary but difficult(!) transition! Sad sad sad but hopeful.

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, May 26th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is definitely an addictive or compulsion type of thing going on with a lot of affairs. I wouldn't say all, but in general, I feel it does become addictive behaviour. My FWH wanted to end it before he finally was able to end it. Partly because he was trying to "wean" OW off his awesome, magical penis, and secondly, because he was addicted to the behaviour, not the OW.


eta: Your WH has to go a little bit deeper for his reason(s), that is not the "reason" he had an affair. He needs to articulate that much better.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 3:08 PM, May 26th (Sunday)]

BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson

Posts: 9853 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
♀ Member
Member # 36401
Default  Posted: 12:36 AM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So what happens next time he feels this attraction? He didn't want you to stand in the way? It would be drama?

Drama because his wife would be upset with him going after this woman. I don't believe this is good thinking at all. Most people can control their impulses, he needs to find out why this was okay and he HAD to do it. He didn't have to do jack shit. His dick wasn't going to fall off, if he didn't sleep with her. HE wanted to, he didn't want you to find out. There was no had too.

Posts: 282 | Registered: Aug 2012
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 5:53 AM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After weeks of I don't knows

Sure and now he just wants you to leave it alone.
His answer is a lot of things.. none of them the "truth" he would like you to believe.

He's saying.." she was irresistible and so "it's not my fault".

He said it knowing it would hurt you and again.. you would blame yourself. leaving him "not responsible"

When i say OUCH he says when you don't want me to minimize things

And i'm sorry, but he is using this as an excuse to hurt you.
Whichever way you look at it he is being manipulative and gaslighting you.

too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 682 | Registered: Jan 2008
Topic Posts: 4

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