[This message edited by TheAgonyOfIt at 6:50 PM, May 26th (Sunday)]
I'm the same - I feel practically healthy (mentally) when in his presence - but sink into depression when we're in separate rooms. When with him - there are no mind movies - no mental craziness - no revenge fantasies...just safety - FROM THE PERPETRATOR OF MY AGONY!!!
There's got to be a psychological basis for this...but its common so we're not alone! This is from the SI article "What Every WS Needs To Know - Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse"
SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.
I felt weak and cowardly for crying in her arms, but it sure helped!
The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous
and try explaining it to someone who hasn't been through it
and this^^^^^^, only people that have been through this, would get that.
So glad, I am not the only one.
When a person shows you who they are, believe them - Maya Angelou
This whole thing sucks!!!!
I am having more trouble now letting him love me like he wants to than I was in the beginning. He always tells me how it means the world to him for me to come to him to comfort me, but it's hard for to do it because of all of the anger, pain and resentment I still have.
and yes, it is very confusing.
The sea is so wide, and my boat is so small.
Very disorienting and disturbing.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
When I look at the past 13 years my marriage was my safe haven from the outside world. Things might have not been perfect, but I could always find refuge there. Just because our WS's decided that it was not longer that way for them doesn't change our feelings. When hurt we will always run to what has been safe and comfortable for us. Its the need to hold onto any form of structure we can. Add in the fact that initially there is that thing we call denial, and we WANT our marriage and partner to still be our safe place.
My feelings changed as reality sets in. Only 3 months in and already starting to feel that insatiable need to be around her fading. Most times I still enjoy being around her, but that uncontrollable need for her to be physically presenting is waning.
Plus its comforting because I know when she's with me there is zero chance she's out with him.
TiredofthePain, wow, think I just unintentionally reiterated your entire post. You are right on!
[This message edited by DefiledRage at 7:50 PM, May 30th (Thursday)]
Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."
It makes sense because for the entire time of our marriages, they were our safe place, our strong arms to hold us during tough time
When hurt we will always run to what has been safe and comfortable for us. Its the need to hold onto any form of structure we can. Add in the fact that initially there is that thing we call denial, and we WANT our marriage and partner to still be our safe place.
Thank you for putting into words my feelings!!
It has also made me realize because of my FOO issues with abandonment and lack of security with parents, having what I thought of security with WH taken away or actually thrown away is what really has devastated me.
I guess we all want unconditional love and not hearing ridiculous excuses "you were suspicious"
If your WS is able to give you empathy, then that's a good sign, I would think. But it might not be a good idea to accept it so readily. I'm still new to this, but showing vulnerability never did me any good. In order to be genuinely vulnerable, you need to trust him, and to do that, he needs to earn your trust.