SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So here it goes. I have checked back into my marriage. In a crazy way things are better than they have ever been. It is beyond horrible that this is what it took for us to come together but over the last month I have realized that I have been fighting for a VERY long time. Fighting to fix my marriage, fighting to get his real opinions and thoughts, and by the end I was pushing him away just to see if he cared enough to come back. Then came D day and it was terrible I have never felt so betrayed and angry. I had found lawyers I was prepared to leave. Through his actions and words I can see the man I have only been able to glimpse for years. The man I fell in love with and the man I gave my heart to. Nothing will ever be the same I have let go of that expectation but I do see the possibility for things to actually be better. I have seen the true shock and revulsion on his face as he turned on the light and saw who he had become. I'm not saying we still don't have work to do but I find I am able to picture my life with him and to look forward to taking the journey together. I have gone from open to staying married to openly wanting to stay married. There is a lot of work to do but I feel stronger just knowing that I am in control of my future and I don't want to stay because it is easier I want to stay because if I can make it through the obstacles ahead I can get my true happiness.

Welcome to SI. Many of us felt like this a little bit after our DDays. It also helped that most of us were in HB stage too.

Please remember these feelings, write them down so you can go to them when things get really hard because it will. You just started this long emotional roller coaster ride. Good news though with every up and down you have it is one hill closer to getting off this horrible ride.

The healing library is very helpful. Read, read, and read up on this. It will help you to understand what you are feeling and what to expect. While not everyone has the same recovery process there are many similarities.

And yes you are right if you survive this you can pretty much survive anything in life.

I am definitely cautiously optimistic at this point but feeling the optimism again was something that I needed. I feel like I am no longer just along for the ride. I have mourned the parts of my marriage I have lost and I have accepted that things will never be the same and that if we do the work and really commit to it some things just might end up better. It would have been nice if we could have found a constructive and adult way to address our issues because shutting down (me) and looking for outside gratification and acceptance (him) were definitely not the appropriate ways to go about things.

No, they weren't. But learning from those mistakes is what makes life work.

My H was to deep in his depression to deal with his issues after DDay 1. After he ended the second A but before my second DDay he hit rock bottom and started working on himself by his own doing. Only reason I stayed. It was horrible and he did slip back into those old ways of avoidance and blame others, but with IC and medication he finally saw the light.

Work together, communicate everything and you will be on the right path. Good Luck!

I have seen the true shock and revulsion on his face as he turned on the light and saw who he had become.

From your posts I am not sure it is who he has become, it almost seems to part of who he has always been. It sounds like he has cheated right from early in your relationship. I would think he has to understand why he has always given himself permission to behave like this.

Is he in IC to look at this sort of issue?

Do you think you know the true extent of his cheating?

There is a lot of work to do but I feel stronger just knowing that I am in control of my future and I don't want to stay because it is easier I want to stay because if I can make it through the obstacles ahead I can get my true happiness.

That is a wonderful stance to take. Are you in IC? It is such a roller-coaster and IC can give you great tools.

[This message edited by avicarswife at 5:41 AM, May 30th (Thursday)]

I do feel that I know the full extent. Neither of us is currently in IC, it is not currently an option for either of us with him deployed, but we are looking into it. Right now we are starting with reading and opening the dialog between ourselves and we will progress as we are able.

By who he had become I meant that he had a distorted view of what he was doing and how it would affect not only him but everyone else. I believe that as it slowly progressed he just saw the little jumps but when he saw just how far each little step had taken him he looked like he got hit by a bus. I guess really the progress to me is that regardless of where we end up we are both proceeding with open eyes and open hearts (and at least one of us is trusting her gut from here on out).