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User Topic: perspective please
♀ Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If we were enough, if we were THAT special, THAT important... you wouldn't have strayed.

But that's the absolute key statement right there. There is NOTHING a spouse can do to be "that" anything that could prevent a WS from cheating. You really don't have that power. I really don't have that power, anymore than I had the power to prevent my mom from killing herself if she had decided to. When you let go of the idea that if you had been more this or more that, the A would never have happened, then you are free to heal.

One person can't "affair proof" a relationship. I believe it takes conscious work on both parts and strong boundaries for both.

Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2782 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
♀ Member
Member # 36234
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband referred to me as the "current damn situation" so yeah I do feel like number 2

BS Me 57
WS Him 55
Married 30 yrs
DDay 1/28/2012
I have no idea what is going on

Posts: 178 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Virginia
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was in the same relationship dealing with my own set of problems and I didn't choose another person.

No one is in the same relationship as anyone else. For example, take the husband who gets home and plops in front of the TV. He may be thinking how nice it is to relax after work or he is avoiding talking to his wife. She may be happy that he's relaxing or she resents his not paying attention to her.

It kinda seems like by choosing to have an affair you are blaming your partner for the problems within the relationship.

To me, it seems more like the WS avoids the BS by choosing an affair. It has nothing to do with blame.

well your BS had nothing to do with you remaining loyal, that's for sure.

Hm. I think I will stay off these threads from now on. Apologies for the intrusion.

"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6101 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
♂ Member
Member # 22939
Default  Posted: 11:41 PM, May 27th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't take it as an intrusion and I'm sorry for being brash. This is seriously affecting me. Its weighing on me and I need to know how others feel about this stuff. I was a passive chump and set myself up for another round
of this... I take it seriously and this time around my perspective may be eskew. I'm trying to find a light but things seem bleak to me. There are no safe bets anymore and I'm, more and more, believing that having expectations is a fools path. Everywhere I turn anymore people are stabbing others in the back. Maybe its just time to take off my rose colored glasses and see the world for what it is, idk. I always thought you should have faith in people. Now I'm not so sure.

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.....right?
"And there's a change, that even with regret, cannot be undone."
"No one plans to take the path that leads us lower..."
Me-BS 35
Her-WS 32 (surviving1979)

Posts: 189 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: nowhere
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand what you're saying. We hear all the time on SI that it's not about the BS. It's about the wayward and their brokenness/poor coping skills/issues/etc.

Ok. But what about your spouse? How does your spouse NOT factor into the equation when one decides to cheat? How could we not be considered? How could we be so...unimportant? How could my WH not think of ME? How does one have sex with someone that is not their spouse,and not consider their husband/wife? I adore my husband. From day one,nearly everything I did revolved around him and our relationship. That's not to say I didn't go out with friends,or have time away from him. I did. I just always considered him first..I would ask if he had plans,or wanted to do something,before I even went out on a dang Friday night. Because he is my husband,and I take him into consideration..always.

Maybe that's what it boils down too? Not being considered? In my situation,WH knew how much his cheating on me would hurt me..he may not have known the depth of that pain,but he darn well knew it would shatter me. yet he did it anyway. I wasn't a factor. I wasn't considered. I didn't matter.

So..jason..maybe it *is* that the affair(s) aren't about the BS. Because,once down that slippery slope,we cease to exist. So,it's not about us..because we didn't matter anymore. We were forgettable.

[This message edited by confused615 at 6:52 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)]

FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 7689 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, May 28th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tell me how we're NOT second best, second choice... whatever. It seems to me that we BSs are literally second choice. If we were truly that special to you this wouldn't have happened. I bet you wouldn't take any chances that would possibly lead to you losing your diamond rings or your cool sports cars or whatever it is that's special to you. Why is it so easy to throw us to the side and do something like this. In my mind it is because we just aren't that special to you. At least not special enough.

For a long time I was second choice. It never really occurred to me to grapple with that idea, it was just an established fact. The reasons behind those choices to put me behind other people as a priority are important, but they don't change the end result - I was not a priority.

I also think sometimes that maybe she would be happier with the OM, or just not with me. It's not entirely logical because I can deconstruct everything and understand that her happiness during that A was masking a metric fuckton of pain and rage, and what is out there now is authentic, but that doesn't change the issue that it's also hard for me to see those issues, because I'm really seeing them for the first time. It requires a reassessment of everything. In the middle of working all that out it's easy to look back and think damn, she was a lot happier back then. Why the fuck is she bothering to stay now?

My status as second choice in that time wasn't about my flaws, though. That's something you need to detach from that idea IMO. She made those choices and they were about me and involved me at an intimate level, but they were made in the way people make any choices through justifications, she made everything fit in order to get what she wanted. Instead of making it work.

I guess the TL:DR is that yeah I was and always will have been second choice, but that's about her issues. It still hurts and it still sucks but the best anyone can do is to do right, and if it isn't reciprocated then it's not the fault of the one who kept the faith as it were.

"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7484 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
♀ Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, so here at SI we talk about how all cheaters use the same script. It seems valid to BSes discussing how similar WS excuses/reasons and actions are. If believing that the cheating script is valid to you, then how is it that sharing our similar stories of recovery and reconciliation is invalid?

Jason, you said,

There are no safe bets anymore and I'm, more and more, believing that having expectations is a fools path. Everywhere I turn anymore people are stabbing others in the back. Maybe its just time to take off my rose colored glasses and see the world for what it is, idk. I always thought you should have faith in people. Now I'm not so sure.

For me, this lesson was learned at a young age. I had expectations and those were crushed. So my expectations changed. Those lessons taught me not to trust people because they will ultimately hurt me, and sometimes that pain is horrendous. So I hid. I hid who I was and what I felt and even when I had someone in my life that I could trust, I didn't trust. That's not a good way to live either.

I understand why you have a hard time believing all of the former Waywards posting on this thread. Believe me though, we're not doing it because we want to be criticized or bashed. We do it because part of our own healing is helping others to learn from what we did. Helping YOU to learn from that. Even if you don't believe us.

[This message edited by Fallen at 7:23 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)]

You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."

Posts: 23488 | Registered: May 2004
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