So I've been 100% NC with WGF for about 3 weeks now. It's been liberating for me and it makes me realize how important it would have been for me had I done it sooner even though WGF was feeding me emotional comfort.
I don't think about her much, I've been doing much of the things that I used to do for myself that make me happy. Finally got back to working out and have been crushing Crossfit sessions 3-4 times a week. All this has been good stuff and it's been mostly because I've completely let go of WGF and the possibility of us ever being anything ever again.
In all this I certainly have thoughts about her from time to time but I immediately fend off the thoughts because they don't do any good. It's all about me right now. But to get to the title of this thread, I can't think about anything that involves WGF, and this includes any memories that involve her. It's all tied to how it ended. It's been 3 months since I JFO so I guess it's still relatively fresh but what happens to those memories? I'm mental, physical and verbal NC with her because I have to for me, but this includes any and all memories that I have of our 6+ year relationship. Do I get those back? There are some amazing memories that I wish I could recall fondly, but it all takes me back to how it ended. Will they mean anything to me in the future or will it all be too disappointing to think about?
"I can fill the flask up, but can't get past us
I'm in the storm, staying strong, but can't get back up"
I think remembering incidents throw me for the biggest loop. Like all of the sudden I think of a time I should have realized something was up, a red flag I missed. This throws my puzzle out of whack for a while.. Sometimes his re-writing of the marriage makes me look at the puzzle differently, but I'm trusting my gut with what it's supposed to look like and certainly don't always take into consideration his point of view..
I try to let some pieces stay as they are. The memories with the kids, some of the good times.. Not all of the pieces have to look different now..
But just like any long puzzle, I have to take a break sometimes. I just try to accept what I have is probably not all the pieces, and maybe all the pieces aren't right, but I can leave it for now and come back if I need to.
I think it's all about accepting what the puzzle looks like right now and moving on.. Accepting that I may never finish it, but I'm fine with where it's at..
Glad to hear that NC is going so well for you and that you are focusing on yourself.
For example, we used to travel to Europe a lot. I just read a book that took place in Istanbul (would have been way too difficult right after D-Day) and when the characters in the book would visit certain tourist sites, I'd briefly think fondly about when XWH and I had been there together.
I think that everyone is different on their healing timeline and whether they are even ever able to look fondly back at their time with the cheater. For me, I'm so much happier now, but I was also happy in my marriage, so there are a lot of good memories. I also have fond memories or previous boyfriends, and he's basically in that category now. He's changed, so I have no desire to ever talk to or see him again, but I also don't want to erase 13 years of my life from my memory!
The book "Getting Past Your Breakup" has some really great writing exercises that has you work through bad and good parts of your relationship. In the beginning, I wasn't able to come up with many good things, but with time, acceptance, and detachment, I've been able to regain my balanced view!
Married: 11 years, no kids
The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo
Surviving Infidelity every day.
[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 2:18 PM, May 27th (Monday)]
But that is me.
I'd like to think that some day I will be able to look at the good bits of my 17.5 years of marriage, but right now they just hurt, and all have a shadow cast over them.
At least I have two fantastic kids from the whole mess.
I expect these things take more time than I've had so far.
The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous
Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect